Husband's endless naps giving me the ick

[Njay3]

My husband naps constantly and it's starting to give me a severe ick. We've been together 10 years and married for 7. We have a five year old daughter and after lots of fertility struggles, looks like we're one and done. In the last year or two my husband has taken to sleeping almost constantly. He works away three days a week and for the four days he's back, he'll have at least two naps a day. I've tried to discuss it with him but he always says he's unwell, he had a bad night sleep etc. I honestly don't know what to do about it but when he spends the day in bed and then asks if I'm in the mood, I basically shrivel up inside. Is anyone else's husband like this?

Sleep apnoea was my first thought.
Look it up.

He should get checked out but if he’s well then it’s not mean for OP to have the ick over his behaviour: taking to his bed when others are ill; napping and relaxing all day; then asking for sex.

Perhaps he prefers working away and his physical hobby, resting and snoozing, to doing his share of parenting.

He should be concerned about the fact you’re doing everything and going straight to doctor to sort himself out

Yes exactly, doesn't exactly sound like a symptom of cancer or sleep apnea!

@Njay3 does he nap on the days he works away?

My ex was like this but his problem was that he was depressed and resented life with young children. He would spend long periods on the weekends napping or go to bed with our children at 7, then miraculously revive after I had done all the cooking and washing up then go out to meet his mates at the pub because he “felt better “. It definitely gave me the ick! However he had his bloods etc checked multiple times and there was nothing physically wrong with him. He was also not willing to admit he was depressed and unhappy but always insisted it was an illness or something me or the kids or his Ho had done to make him feel tired such as “waking me up too early” because he had to commute.

Worth checking iron! My hubby went through this phase years ago and turned out his iron was very low.
started on spatone sachets and never had a problem since

My DP does this fairly frequently at the weekend. He’s Spanish (we live in Spain) so having a siesta isn’t outside the realms of normality here, but it’s the length of it sometimes. Yesterday he went for a nap on the sofa after lunch, around 3pm, and woke up around 7:30pm. He doesn’t nap that long every time, but more often than what I feel is normal. He is exhausted, does fairly heavy gym sessions and triathlon training after very early starts at work - usually in for 7:15, and being Spanish seems allergic to getting an early night. He’s rarely asleep before midnight, so also have the nodding off problem on the sofa if we’re watching a series in the evening during the week. He also snores a bit, so suspect sleep apnea but he won’t go to the doctor about it as he doesn’t snore if he sleeps on his side. Could be snoring from exhaustion too I guess. I do feel a bit like weekend afternoons are wasted when he does this, especially as I work a shift pattern, so don’t have every weekend off. Not really that much I can say as he doesn’t do it if we have plans and most of his family do it too, although don’t sleep as long. I think if he went to bed at a sensible time during the week and got his snoring looked into he probably wouldn’t do this as often as he does, but he doesn’t see it as a problem. It doesn’t give me the ick, but it does irritate me at times. More so now weekends off aren’t a given for me.

Honestly? Yes, it’s possible that this man is unwell in some way … but then he wouldn’t be up at 5am to go to bootcamp and up for sex once the child is in bed.

My first thought was to wonder if he is a porn addict who takes his phone to bed whenever he goes for a lie down. Two naps a day is fairly extreme.

My other is that a lot of parenting is fairly dull and he is happy for the OP to handle that stuff while he is out the way. If he goes for a lie down whenever anyone else is ill then that tells me he REALLY doesn’t want to be left to manage while his wife has a break.

Definitely suggest a visit to the GP for a check up, they can do some blood tests to see if there is anything underlying. Could be that he is just being lazy or an issue like iron deficiency, hypothyroidism etc. My step dad was similar, just constantly tired and napping throughout the day. Also constantly needing a wee, especially at night so that made him tired with constantly waking up. Turns out he has a brain tumour pressing on his hypothalmus causing extreme fatigue and frequent urinating.

How embarrassing that so many on here are defending him ‘awww poor love is tired’. I bet OP doesn’t have tha option of going off for a nap even if she was ill or exhausted. Lots of men, mine included, suddenly develop a love of napping when they have young kids, to get out of family life

I felt like this when I was severely anemic. I second getting him to see the doctor. It crept up on me and I was actually very unwell by the time I got checked out… don’t be like me!

I get it is frustrating and hard work but maybe try checking his health and measure his sleep quality with a device. He could have sleep apnea or any illness, you need to try and one by one rule out the reasons. Sounds like he must have one.

I think it might be worth him having a full health check. See if you can go with him for support. Low B12, Diabetes type 2 and other illnesses can all cause extreme tiredness. May be blood tests will shed some light on what's going on.

Does he have any other issues? Night sweats or wheezing when he's breathing? Does he have any swollen glands? First stop is the GP the tell him these naps are too much!!

Yes wtf

He can't be tired if he's up for sex ffs. Sex is physically tiring.

Or is OP also expected to ride the poor dear, since he must be so tired after his 2 naps?

This man is playing OP for a fool

My mother was always asleep n the sofa when i came in from school… undiagnosed heart condition,dead at 42… you need to make docs appointment instead of griping at him….

It's definitely not normal, assuming you don't have a geriatric husband. I'd start by being sympathetic and encouraging a medical review. Make sure you pick a responsive GP and/or be prepared to be proactive and chase them for a proper explanation/diagnosis. If your husband doesn't stop being defensive with your support you have every right to get tough with him, though. It's one thing being ill but he has to engage with getting to the bottom of it; otherwise it's not fair on you and your child. Bear in mind fatigue disorders and mood disorders do often co-occur so you will likely need some degree of patience at first. I'm assuming your marriage is basically healthy, of course. If it's not then you have to decide whether you want to save it because these sorts of conditions are very testing for relationships.

He needs to see a doctor

did all the posters saying this was like them when they had chronic fatigue also get up early for boot camp and feel in the mood for sex after their nap? Frankly, if my dh had no time or energy for his family but found it for his exercise, I’d explain I’d expect the family to be prioritised more with his very limited energy, instead of never, and since he has energy for sex he can put on a load of washing and consider the ways my energy has all been used up.

Hopefully you don’t have insight into how keen your mother was on sex but you might know if she was a boot camp regular?

High iron can do this too! My Dad was turning into one of those old men who couldn't sit on the sofa for 10 minutes without dozing off, he thought it was normal but eventually got persuaded to have a blood test - his iron levels were through the roof. He's now on treatment for it and is so much brighter

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm encouraging him to go for blood tests, he's vegetarian so it could be low iron. Although, he's doing the The Three Peaks Challenge with his friends in August and doesn't nap while he's away so can't help but feel like he might just be doing it to get out of childcare/responsibilities.

Is he actually sleeping or getting in bed for doom scrolling and avoiding being a parent.

if your health condition that that you needed to nap twice a day, it seems unlikely he would be able to even consider doing a three peaks challenge…

if he’s not just trying to get out parenting, maybe it’s a mental health issue rather than physical.

Does your husband snore badly? If so, it could be sleep apnoea, which can someone to feel very tired.