Husband's endless naps giving me the ick

[Njay3]

My husband naps constantly and it's starting to give me a severe ick. We've been together 10 years and married for 7. We have a five year old daughter and after lots of fertility struggles, looks like we're one and done. In the last year or two my husband has taken to sleeping almost constantly. He works away three days a week and for the four days he's back, he'll have at least two naps a day. I've tried to discuss it with him but he always says he's unwell, he had a bad night sleep etc. I honestly don't know what to do about it but when he spends the day in bed and then asks if I'm in the mood, I basically shrivel up inside. Is anyone else's husband like this?

I have a few relatives with sleep apnea who were so tired before diagnosis.
In my case it was gluten that was causing sheer exhaustion. I lived to sleep but no sleep refreshed me or relieved the exhaustion. Luckily a good friend suggested that gluten might be the problem and, though initially reluctant as I loved bread, pastries and cake, I cut it out of my diet and things improved.
I found that my digestion improved too, I had IBS and that restored my energy levels.

In hindsight, I should have asked to be tested for gluten intolerance before making the changes. I could reintroduce gluten and then be tested but I cannot face the symptoms returning!

A long-winded way of saying that your husband could think about his reaction to food as well as sleep apnea. My reaction to gluten is quite extreme, I have to sleep, it is like passing out! Oh how I miss a piece of hot buttered white toast with a cup of tea!

For me it was pretty severe iron deficiency anemia. For a long while I was getting frustrated with myself and thinking I was just lazy! I'm so glad I went to the Dr's, 6 months of iron tablets later and I feel vaguely normal

He is a father who is away half the week. They may be healthy but he has responsibilities.

He’s either napping to get out of parenting/chores or he’s genuinely unwell.

If it’s affecting your DC or housework etc then I wouldn’t be giving him my concern, I would be telling him that he needs to step up and sort it out.

FWIW I got up at 5am every day for 5 years in my previous role and I’m a single parent - I didn’t nap during the day, I just went to bed earlier.

He really needs to get his bloods tested before anything else. Many year’s ago I kept napping and sleeping and my then partner was getting irritated with me. It turned out I had a serious illness. I’m not saying he has, but it needs to be ruled out. I’m fine now and the constant napping stopped once I was treated.

Poor guy is probably unwell. Support him to seek medical advice before getting annoyed with him.

Just to put a different spin on things, does he nap when he's working away? My ex husband started "feeling unwell" when our DC were young. He started napping in bed once a day, then it got longer, he was signed off work and spent most of the day in bed. Strangely once the DC were settled at night he'd get up, and like you would ask for sex. He was "unwell" because life with young DC didn't appeal to him, and was happy enough to let me take on all of the load. I used to feel guilty incase he had a genuine illness but he had every test under the sun for years and was declared fine. He even got it into his head he had sleep apnea, went for the trial thing and the consultant referred him to a psychiatrist, saying he had mild SA but he felt his problems were more psychological.

Narcolepsy here. It might be worth him seeing a sleep specialist to find out if there’s a medical cause. Sleep apnea is the most common.
I have to nap or I can’t function. I am NOT lazy (quite the opposite!)

Does he have to nap due to a possible medical condition beyond his control when hes at work?

If he is ill that is unfair. I didn’t sleep at work because you can’t just put your head on your desk can you? But I slept at home and it turned out I was actually seriously ill. Until he has a blood test you don’t know why.

Last time my partner was falling asleep like that it was because he had developed type 2 diabetes.
I'm not saying that is the case here but he needs to get checked out.

His diabetes is under control and pretty much gone now but it wouldn't have been had he not gone to see the GP.

@Njay3 in the absence of any other symptoms I wouldn’t waste a GPs time to be honest. He is up very early for boot camp, commuting etc, and basically doing it because he can. I can understand you having the ick as he is ensuring he is well rested at your expense. Then expecting sex whilst you’ve been picking up his slack! I’m guessing this is just the tip of the iceberg in your relationship..

Yes someone who is seriously ill or has sleep apnea is not selective about activities, there's no way he could be very ill but is committed to getting up for bootcamp at 5am regularly. It sounds like it's a convenient way for him to check out of family life on his days off.
A friend of mine's husband got a promotion which meant he was away four days of the week and back home for a long weekend. He had been a hands on on dad/husband, always pulling his weight. She said she was horrified at how quickly he became disengaged from the DC within a short time. He had 4 days of quiet and time for himself and then when he came home to them he would get very impatient with the DC, complain they were too demanding, made too much noise etc. He was only supposed to do this for six months but he extended it by choice, he got used to the quiet single life and was enjoying it.

He’s not that ill if he spends the day in bed then expects sex when you go to bed!

Exactly! Honestly, the shit us women put up with!

There are lots of helpful suggestions concerned about his health and that being the reason he naps.
Reading your post, it's seemed to me that you are fed up of him being asleep all the time especially when he can muster the energy for travelling to work, his boot camp and wanting sex.

Do you feel he is choosing to nap because he can leaving you to carry the load and he may not have any medical reasons? You saying you have the ick rather than concern makes me think this.

I think its a fair comment. Is he sleeping the second he clocks off work? Hes so tired he naps but not too tired for a shag? Or to get up at 5am to do bootcamp? His "illness" also mysteriously makes him tired when someone else is ill.

Im not buying it at all

Doubtful he is ill if he is "sleeping" through daily family life and then asking for sex, he sounds like a shirker, a pathetic piece of shit dad and husband who thinks he can put it all on you op, I'd recoil from him if he was my husband as well. I wonder what would happen if you kept refusing sex and told him it was because he was ill.

Exactly this @lavenderscenteddrawerliners Almost without fail, he seems to recover when our little girl is in bed and then wants to have sex. I always try to be sympathetic when he’s ill but it’s getting to the point where he’s always tired or ill with us but fine for work/bootcamp/social occasions. He’s doing the three peaks in August and did an all-day hike two weeks ago. I don’t know, it seems his illnesses always fall during family time but maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe there’s a medical condition that hasn’t been diagnosed yet

This is an excellent suggestion

Lots of people with chronic illness use naps to manage fatigue and energy. However there's absolutely no way they would be waking up at 5 to do a bootcamp 😂
Even if he's ill, it's not OP's responsibility to "get him to a doctor". He's a grown man not a toddler. 🙄
Your actual responsibility OP is to sit him down and communicate. You can say DH, you are napping twice a day and it takes the piss because I am left with all the work at home. You then expect sex and Im not interested because you're treating me like a skivvy and failing to contribute. Either you go to the doctor and get this investigated or you step up.

Unless he goes to a dr you don’t know anymore than anyone else. Maybe he just a lazy sod or maybe he’s ill but you don’t actually know.

If he literally cannot stay awake it could be chronic fatigue syndrome. My sisters partner was like this, always falling asleep on the sofa at family dinners etc, we just thought they were lazy and/or stayed up too late. Now they've been diagnosed with CFS and we all feel awful...

If he’s near anyone who is ill he goes to bed for the day??
Is he 95?

I was still going to the gym and doing a physical job when I wasn't well, I just spent a lot of the time inbetween asleep. It does sound a bit suss op, but it might be worth ruling it out before you ltb. If he won't go then there's your answer.