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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How did you introduce children to a new partner?

53 replies

Mummsnett · 10/05/2026 17:51

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. We each have our own children and busy schedules with ft work, clubs etc. We see each other one evening a week, plus a few hours here and then when it's possible. We've not yet met each others kids, or even told our exes that either is in a relationship. We're both really reticent to change anything, because really it still feels like the honeymoon period, but we're also getting frustrated with the lack of time we can spend together. It's getting to the point where children will have to be introduced, but while he's happy to meet my kids, he doesn't see me meeting his for the foreseeable, due to how mentally unstable his ex is. I'm okay with this, but in the five years since I split with my kids dad, I've never introduced them to any romantic partner, and neither has their dad. So this will be completely new to them, and to our dynamic. I'm very happy in my current setup, and very content with my life, so making changes would purely be to see the boyfriend more. I'm keen that it is done well, and positively impacts us all. But I have ZERO idea how to even start this process.

If you've gone through this, how did you approach it? What worked? What would you recommend?

I'm concerned that I'll make this change and it'll all fall apart and I'll end up scarring my kids for life, since they'll essentially be the test case for us both.
Potentially some of you will recommend keeping things just as they are!

OP posts:
Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 17:52

How old are the children involved?

Mummsnett · 10/05/2026 17:55

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 17:52

How old are the children involved?

8 and turning 6

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 10/05/2026 17:57

Where do you usually meet up?

SquareSweetsThatLookRound · 10/05/2026 17:58

expect lots of people on her to tell you they would never, ever introduce their children to a boyfriend.
We went to the Sealife Centre. She adored him.

55notout · 10/05/2026 18:00

SquareSweetsThatLookRound · 10/05/2026 17:58

expect lots of people on her to tell you they would never, ever introduce their children to a boyfriend.
We went to the Sealife Centre. She adored him.

Yes lots of people will urge against it.

It was a dog walk for us although mine were much younger.

Mummsnett · 10/05/2026 18:01

Itiswhysofew · 10/05/2026 17:57

Where do you usually meet up?

Either his house or mine, depending on where respective kids are.

OP posts:
Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 18:01

Mummsnett · 10/05/2026 17:55

8 and turning 6

On both sides?

Mummsnett · 10/05/2026 18:03

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 18:01

On both sides?

Yes, we have kids the same ages

OP posts:
Mummsnett · 10/05/2026 18:04

SquareSweetsThatLookRound · 10/05/2026 17:58

expect lots of people on her to tell you they would never, ever introduce their children to a boyfriend.
We went to the Sealife Centre. She adored him.

And how did you progress beyond this first meeting? Did you explain to your child/ren that this was your boy/girlfriend?

OP posts:
tarheelbaby · 10/05/2026 18:07

I know introducting children to new partners is a big thing on MN but I don't think it has to be.

My parents split up when I was 10 and DSis was 7. After a year or so they were both looking to date. They tended to introduce us as and when. My mother only tried it once. He took us all out for a ride in his vintage Porshe. We were very silly, giggling and acting up, and she was displeased. She probably dated other men but just never let us know. We spent every other weekend with my dad so she could have worked around that?

My dad introduced us to loads of girlfriends. They were all nice without being v. interesting. Most of them did not have children. There were no big plans, just X is joining us for dinner - my dad went through a phase of cooking lots at home so we'd all cook dinner together and eat it.

The GFs who did have children had older teenagers and we rarely even met them. The GF he eventually married had younger sons. They did not live together before they married but she frequently brought her boys to his house on the weekends when we were there.

MiaKulper · 10/05/2026 18:09

due to how mentally unstable his ex is Don't introduce him to your DC.

Lightuptheroom · 10/05/2026 18:10

It's going to be difficult if your partner is against you meeting his children as it's impossible to know what the dynamic would be. If you're looking to eventually 'blend' then you also need to know how the children will interact (or not) What are the age differences between the two sets of children?
Mentally unstable exes are not an excuse for not introducing a new partner, so think carefully about what you envisage the relationship to be going, beyond giving you extra time. Do you envisage living together ?
If you do decide to introduce your children whilst your partner still insists on you not meeting his, keep it to neutral spaces and take it slowly, you're not actually going to gain time together if yours are 8 and 6 because you'll need to be concentrating on the children. Some kind of activity always seems to work better as less pressure on the children, you also need to think about how you feel about your partner's approach to parenting and outlook on how children behave as this also causes a lot of stress.

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 18:11

he doesn't see me meeting his for the foreseeable, due to how mentally unstable his ex is

what a surprise. His ex is “mentally unstable” ie didn’t want to be with him

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 18:11

MiaKulper · 10/05/2026 18:09

due to how mentally unstable his ex is Don't introduce him to your DC.

Exactly

this has shit show stamped all over it

and I would bet the ex definitely is not “mentally unstable”

naanbreadforaxel · 10/05/2026 18:12

I first made the kids aware he existed, was actually by accident as his name popped up on my car screen when he messaged and my oldest read it. I told them who he was to me and they asked a few questions, naturally child like one - do yous hold hands etc. then we would discuss what we had done with our day and I would drop his name into it, so he wasn’t a complete unknown to them. We then had a day at the zoo and I asked if they would mind if he came with and quite honestly they couldn’t care less. A month later similar with a theme park. We live about 80 miles apart so the frequency they are with me when he now comes to my house is one over night a month.

Mummsnett · 10/05/2026 18:15

naanbreadforaxel · 10/05/2026 18:12

I first made the kids aware he existed, was actually by accident as his name popped up on my car screen when he messaged and my oldest read it. I told them who he was to me and they asked a few questions, naturally child like one - do yous hold hands etc. then we would discuss what we had done with our day and I would drop his name into it, so he wasn’t a complete unknown to them. We then had a day at the zoo and I asked if they would mind if he came with and quite honestly they couldn’t care less. A month later similar with a theme park. We live about 80 miles apart so the frequency they are with me when he now comes to my house is one over night a month.

This is really helpful, thank you. What ages were your kids when they first met him?

OP posts:
dontmalbeconme · 10/05/2026 18:18

Honestly, just one year in with just one date a week plus a few snatched hours, you barely know each other yet, as you say, you're still in the 'honeymoon phase'. I'd leave it another year or two, and I'd make you meeting his children a condition of him meeting yours.

Mummsnett · 10/05/2026 18:22

dontmalbeconme · 10/05/2026 18:18

Honestly, just one year in with just one date a week plus a few snatched hours, you barely know each other yet, as you say, you're still in the 'honeymoon phase'. I'd leave it another year or two, and I'd make you meeting his children a condition of him meeting yours.

Edited

This is on my mind also.
I suppose I'm thinking, we can't get to know each other more without spending more time together, and we can't spend more time together without involving the children (to open up time slots when I have my kids (basically 6 nights a week)).

OP posts:
SquareSweetsThatLookRound · 10/05/2026 18:22

Mummsnett · 10/05/2026 18:04

And how did you progress beyond this first meeting? Did you explain to your child/ren that this was your boy/girlfriend?

I think she asked me. She had no father figure in her life so our situation was quite different and he had no children. We just started seeing more and more of him- at first it was all days out but he never tried to buy her affection. He was (and still is) amazing at engaging with her and showing genuine interest in her thoughts and feelings. Then he started doing more mundane things with us.

Starseeking · 10/05/2026 18:22

I wouldn’t introduce him to your DC until the point at which you BOTH feel the relationship is at the stage for you to meet each others DC.

It’s a red flag that he is disparaging towards the mother of his DC; I’d also be cautious of introducing your DC without him doing the same, for that reason.

If you do go ahead regardless, I’d keep the first meeting light and casual, perhaps he could join you at the park or at a similar outing. I would introduce him as your boyfriend rather than just a friend as your 8 year old is of an age to understand what that means.

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 18:24

Given he has explicitly said he doesn’t want to introduce you to his child yet (because of his “mental ex” 🙄)…. Surely that’s that. Unless you were actually thinking of introducing your DC to him before he is prepared to do the same??

Dragracer · 10/05/2026 18:26

Crazy ex wives usually have arsehole ex husbands.

But yeah we just went to the deep. Spent lots of time doing things. Then time at home. And let their relationship grow

Wishiwasincornwall · 10/05/2026 18:27

Please don't drag your kids into a situation involving a "mentally unstable ex" or what is the more likely a situation involving a man who is wanting to keep you a secret and framing it as because of his "mentally unstable ex"

Fullofcorn · 10/05/2026 18:28

Nailed it

and my guess is that a “mentally unstable ex” is someone who dumped him

OneShyQuail · 10/05/2026 18:34

Mummsnett · 10/05/2026 17:51

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. We each have our own children and busy schedules with ft work, clubs etc. We see each other one evening a week, plus a few hours here and then when it's possible. We've not yet met each others kids, or even told our exes that either is in a relationship. We're both really reticent to change anything, because really it still feels like the honeymoon period, but we're also getting frustrated with the lack of time we can spend together. It's getting to the point where children will have to be introduced, but while he's happy to meet my kids, he doesn't see me meeting his for the foreseeable, due to how mentally unstable his ex is. I'm okay with this, but in the five years since I split with my kids dad, I've never introduced them to any romantic partner, and neither has their dad. So this will be completely new to them, and to our dynamic. I'm very happy in my current setup, and very content with my life, so making changes would purely be to see the boyfriend more. I'm keen that it is done well, and positively impacts us all. But I have ZERO idea how to even start this process.

If you've gone through this, how did you approach it? What worked? What would you recommend?

I'm concerned that I'll make this change and it'll all fall apart and I'll end up scarring my kids for life, since they'll essentially be the test case for us both.
Potentially some of you will recommend keeping things just as they are!

My DP met my youngest first (she was 5) as we could easily pass off as a friend (she wouldnt question it 😂) he came round to play on the Nintendo switch, she battered him at Mario kart and bowling 😂

She adored him and he was great with her. I used it as kind of a test to see how he was with her (as he doesnt have kids, never wants any!)

A few weeks later we went bowling, this time with my eldest too (she was 11 at the time) it was really non intrusive, they played a game of bowling, they asked for his help etc it was so natural, then he bought some pennies and played arcade games with them. It went so well, they loved him and he had great fun.

Do something easy thats fun, no pressure, something everyone can enjoy and help each other with etc

*edited to add ive just read all the other comments....
If you have ANY doubts, dont do it unless you are VERY VERY sure.

Him talking about a crazy ex is a big red flag 🚩 I had absolutely no doubts other than knowing if theyd get along or not. I knew him very well, id already met his family, we'd been away together, we'd been through some things too and he'd been very supportive....so I knew I was ready