How did you introduce children to a new partner?

[Mummsnett]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year. We each have our own children and busy schedules with ft work, clubs etc. We see each other one evening a week, plus a few hours here and then when it's possible. We've not yet met each others kids, or even told our exes that either is in a relationship. We're both really reticent to change anything, because really it still feels like the honeymoon period, but we're also getting frustrated with the lack of time we can spend together. It's getting to the point where children will have to be introduced, but while he's happy to meet my kids, he doesn't see me meeting his for the foreseeable, due to how mentally unstable his ex is. I'm okay with this, but in the five years since I split with my kids dad, I've never introduced them to any romantic partner, and neither has their dad. So this will be completely new to them, and to our dynamic. I'm very happy in my current setup, and very content with my life, so making changes would purely be to see the boyfriend more. I'm keen that it is done well, and positively impacts us all. But I have ZERO idea how to even start this process.

If you've gone through this, how did you approach it? What worked? What would you recommend?

I'm concerned that I'll make this change and it'll all fall apart and I'll end up scarring my kids for life, since they'll essentially be the test case for us both.
Potentially some of you will recommend keeping things just as they are!

I’ve never just introduced a partner to my kids, it’s been the kids meeting each other and us. It’s pretty strange that he wants you to do this with yours and keep you a secret from his. That would concern me.

I’ve been divorced for 12 years so in that time my kids (one now an adult) have met two long term partners, both after we’d been together for a year. We met at a neutral place (park then shopping centre) and it was only for an hour or two. Kids were the same age as his both times. We chose age appropriate activities each time then went on holidays together when we knew they got on well.

I don’t think I’ve scarred mine by doing this either. With my first LTR they don’t ask about him (he died but they were too young to really know a lot about it). With my second LTR we’re not together but our DD’s are still good friends. They’re in the same classes at school so they speak daily even though we don’t. The only downside is that they appear to discuss us getting back together fairly often but that’ll stop in time, they’re teenage girls so much of their chat is about relationships.

Just to add some nuance...
I'm not a secret, I've met his wider family inc siblings, their partners, and his parents, and he has met mine.
It's our children and exes who have not yet been included in our relationship.

The comment about his ex feels accurate based on interactions I've been witness to during the past year. He doesn't speak badly of her, but she does appear to be controlling of their children and has a lot of anxiety, which he's mindful of. I appreciate the concern you've all raised on this point though, thank you

This is a good point, and reaffirms some thoughts I've had on it. Thanks

I met DP’s kids for the first time at a soft play. It meant they could just come over and chat whenever they wanted but given the ages your oldest is probably too old for that now. You could go to the park together as a group. Bit odd that he’s still pandering to his ex’s feelings though, I’d be wary about that.

So you’ve met the ex to witness this evidence of her mental instability?

and the fact his family know about you doesn’t mean ex does

I was going to wait a year but my son got upset one night and he said go and get him. He has a good bond with all 3. Hes a dad himself.

The crazy ex comment is a red flag.

Mhhh I wouldn’t

I think a year is a bit early. Mine will soon meet my partner and it'll be 2y and still feels early.

when we do it'll be outside with things to see,

I would wait until you are both ready to meet each other’s children.

Thanks for weighing in! Good to know what others in similar boat are doing

I would tell the children you have a bf sooner rather than later so they can be very used to the idea before they meet him. Show them photos etc.

‘how mentally unstable his ex is’ is a huge red flag sorry. What did he do to her?

My ex also had a crazy ex, look at my username and guess how he described me to the gf he moved in with when our son was a baby and who’s child spent a year living with him including six months post break up.

My son was 12, I told him I’d met someone a year in and he came round for a pizza.
His daughter was 6, he told her he had a new friend, I met her at his house, I met her mum aswell when she dropped her off she stayed for a cup of tea, then he cooked dinner, I did some colouring in and then went home.
We continued like this for a couple of years before moving in together.
We’ve been together 11 years now, married 4.
I don’t think I would have introduced him to my son if he wasn’t ready the other way around.

eeek that’s quite young, my OH’s DD (12 at the time) found out about us earlier than we’d intended but she’d quizzed him about something in the fridge and he told her he’d had a date round for dinner. It perhaps made it easier that I’d met her before we were dating and she remembered who I was. Whilst she’s had a step dad for years, I’m her Dad’s first partner. We first went for drinks at an outdoor food festival thing one evening (mutual ground, not too long, no pressure sort of environment), we went out for dinner one evening, had dinner at his house one evening when I then went home, and then she asked why I went home and didn’t stay!! When he asked if she’d mind if I stayed her reply was “well it’s not like I have to bunk up with her!” so I think she’s ok with that too :) not going to deny that it’s been fairly easy but she’s the only child involved in this and she’s pretty mature in the head. I’m always conscious of giving them some of their contact time alone (we don’t live together) and we’ve done events together but not all been away yet. I feel like we have a bit of a “gang up on dad” relationship in a lighthearted sort of way.

I wouldn’t introduce him to yours until he is prepared to introduce you to his or you have a lot more riding on this than he does. You’re risking your children’s stability and he isn’t.

This is actually the same advice I’d give to him. Let exes know you’re in a relationship but not planning to introduce yet. Then a few weeks later tell the kids but don’t intro. Just mention each other to the point where the kids are curious to meet but their lives don’t change at all. Then in a few months say you will introduce them this is a heads up,

If it’s mumsnet the answer is never, everyone knows single mums aren’t allowed to date again

This thread is on mumsnet
maybe read the thread?

With SSs who were then 5 and 9 we went for a walk after about a year together (and a good 3 1/2 years since their Mum left DH for another man). We've progressed everything very slowly over the 6 years since then and it's worked well. I would be cautious about the nightmare ex though, it's either not true (and a red flag) or absolutely true (and will cause untold misery and chaos). My SSs Mum has been such a problem, taking us to court to prevent access, encouraging the children to lie, attempts to alienate. I wouldn't advise anyone put themselves into the middle of that unless they are absolutely certain about the relationship. My DH is the love of my life, anything less and id have been out of here.

We introduced our kids after 6 months, they are 7 and 8. We spend time the 4 of us together now around twice a month. We have had some lovely days out, some days at home and dinner.

Initially we introduced eachother as friends, as some months passed by we told them we were together when it felt right

Please be very, very wary of a man who describes the mother of his children as ‘mentally unstable’ - IF it’s true, there’s a strong chance it’s down to how he treated her. It can take a very long time to see a partner’s true colours especially when you don’t see them that often.

Ah the unstable ex as an
excuse….red flag

I waited 6m, i had intended to wait a year but i was in love with dh and wanted to know if my kids and him would work. He wasn’t a total stranger he was the best friend of the husband of one of my oldest friends. They knew his family, his history. Had it been someone I met online I’d probably have waited longer.

We went to a pub with a soft play area the first time.

Just to say I’d be careful re your partners and ex/kids. It sounds like a lot of drama (and you only have his version)

Yes. Total red flag. Please do not accommodate this narrative and introduce this man to your children. All abusive men use this trope.