In laws want to take their grandchildren to Disney Land in the states next year for FIL's 70 th birthday, I feel a little sick............

[DrNortherner]

They want to take our ds and our niece and nephew (dh's brothers kids)

FIL is 70 next year but a very fit 70, Mil is 63. Next summer is when they want to go, nephew will be 10 and ds and niece will both be 7. So they are at a fab age to appreciate it and it is very genorous of them to want to do it.

BUT, we have only ever been away from ds for a wekend at most and they are talking about at least 10 days. America is such a long waya away - what if something were to happen? Will they manage with 3 kids?

It's not an option for us to tag long as we could never afford it.

I don't see how I can say no, but equaly I have a niggling feeling in the pit of my tummy.

Am I being too precious?

DrNorthener, I think you know what your decision is

You are certainly NOT being selfish, ridiculous to suggest you are. if your son was a teenager then perhaps so but at 5/6, no way! nothing on gods earth would persuade me to allow my son to go away to a different country!! for 10 days with anyone except me and his dad. its just TOO much responsibility for the ILs.

The offer is a generous one yes, very generous and comendable, but imo ill thought about and misguided. Such an offer should never have been made without including the parents in the offer.

You do need to find a tactful way to discuss this with the ILs, they have offered something wonderful but without, I think, reliasing the implications and possible consequences. The loan idea is a good one, that way it won't look like you're 'scrounging' and it is at the end of the day a fabulous opportunity.

just to add, its not a case of who will miss who the most, its about safety and security. 2 older people out of practice caring for kids, with 3 active, boisterous children to keep track of in a different country, in a busy to say the least theme park, day after day for 10 days. no way.

i would find that daunting

Hi Dr N

Which Disneyland are they planning on going to (the FL parks or the CA parks)?. It will be hot regardless of where they are taken to.

How do your two children get on with their nephew?. What sort of accommodation is there going to be?. Interconnecting rooms?. How will they react if the children play up, how would they defuse the situation in the event of the children arguing?.

Another thing to bear in mind is that the visa waiver scheme is going to be replaced in January by a new online scheme for which they will all have to register prior to travel. No registering of details beforehand = no travel to the US.

Also you may well need to think about writing a letter for the authorities permissioning the grandparents to take your children on holiday as neither parent will be there.

Whatever you decide more open and frank discussion with these people needs to take place. How organised are these people and are they good in a crisis?.

Sorry that should read how does DS get on with his nephew and niece?. Being on holiday with relatives can be at times fraught with difficulties.

I think it's a bit unfair to talk about how generous the grandparents are being and how the doctor is only being selfish depriving her son of it. The grandparents are, in fairness, doing this primarily to have a lovely time with their grandchildren on their own, not just, I think, to give them the gift of the trip of a lifetime, as some people think Disneyland is. (I think the American Disneylands are very American, with lots of strange bluegrass bears and presidents rides.) So to talk about one side as being selfish and another as unselfish seems to me not relevant at all. DrN is, I assume, just REALLY WORRIED about being more than 12 hours away from her children if by some infinitessimal chance there's some kind of small accident - and even small accidents you want to be able to get to your kids very very quickly and make sure they're fine. And she's also, I assume, worried that some time in the 10 days her ds will miss her a bit as he's very little and hasn't been without her that long before. It IS only Disneyland, and in terms of making them change their destination, well, they've made the plan to go to Disneyland FOR the children, so I think it's only fair that the parents have some say in which place is best for the children too.

"Don't forget how crowded it will be and how easy it could be to lose a child in the mass. Have they talked about that?"

this was my worry at disney paris. i talked to a friend who managed to lose her dd at disney florida and she said that the staff were more on the ball than you could ever imagine, one member of staff stayed with her to calm her down and said that out of all the children who go missing there every year it has never taken them more than 20 mins to track them down.

of course no parent every wants to go through that 20 mins of hell but its worth while knowing that the staff are good in a crisis.

And what happens if the children and adults fall out with each other? Sorry to add a downer, but what if your inlaw come back from the trip feeling exhausted and resentful, or blame you and your dh if your ds is not well behaved, or your ds falls out with his cousins very seriously? It could be the start of all sorts of family rifts and resentments.

I am not saying 'don't send your son', but you need to manage the expectations of the grandparents very well. Also see if their villa or hotel has any extra babysitting support so they have on the spot back up.

OK, ds and his couisns get on very well, they spend a lot of time together, but 3 can sometimes be a crowd and the 2 boys gang up on the girl, she whines, the boys enjoy it and continue..........I sometimes struggle if I have teh 3 of them for a weekend.

MIL is VERY capable in a crisis. She is the kind of woman if you were bleeding to death you would want her with you IYKWIM cause she would know what to do and is very calm. FIL on the other hand is very differnt and has never had the kids alone, not even 1 of them let alone 3. However, he is very paranoid and I have no doubt he would guard them with his life.

I guess, if I say no, I have to be prepared for them still taking their other 2 grand kids as their parents have no issues at all.

DrNortherner, I know exactly how you feel. I replied earlier (think I was first poster to mention being selfish but that was in relation to my situation and not yours). When I agreed to my children travelling half way round the world I felt sick with fear and worry. But I knew they would have an experience that I could not give them. Once I agreed my sons were so excited I became excited for them too. Teddy was bought new holiday clothes, my mum knitted him a suitcase. He was made a passport. A cd of bedtime stories was recorded and packed. I didn't relax the entire time they were away. Hated every single minute of it. But when they returned it was fantastic. They loved showing me the video of everything they had done. They had taken their own cameras which we had developed. Albums were bought and their memories were recorded. They still talk about it nearly 5 years later. I am glad I allowed them to go. Since then they have only spent two nights away from home so I am not the sort of parent who goes away for the weekend for a break. I am glad I allowed them to go. But, you have to make your own decision based on your child and the people who will be responsible for your child.

I haven't read the whole thread, so I apologise if I am repeating. But, I think it would be a lovely thing to do, lots of lovely memories. With out sounding crass, would you feel easier if it was your parents.

Agree with lovemygirls, and I repeat what i said earlier.
tbh thought, drn, this post is going round and round in circles. Everyone seems to have different opinions and all of them are valid to that particular poster. Really hope you can make a decision and it be the right one for you and your family as a whole.
Wishing you luck and love

xxxx

It sounds like it will be a great opportunity for him and they do sound like they'll look after him really well and cope fine.

But tbh I don't think I'd let my ds go. It just wouldn't sit right for me, not for that long, and I would make myself ill over it.

You have to go with your instinct. If you can put a brave face on and wave him off with a smile I'm sure he'll have the time of his life.

But if you're going to make yourself ill with worry over it then you have to be honest and speak to them about it.

As people have suggested, Paris could be a good compromise?
Or perhaps let him go and then you fly out there for the last 5 days or something. Cuts down the time you're apart, you get a holiday too, but not the full cost.

I hope you find a solution you're happy with.

Northerner - I would feele xactly the same. I couldn't say no to such an opportunity for DD (if it that position) but would be dreading it from my own perspective the whole time.

I don't think it is precious at all. Just a natural feeling.

Not everyone is used to having their children spend periods of time apart from them. And yes, of course it is natural for you to feel uneasy about that happening, esp at a distance from you.

Fortunately this isn't a situation we will have to deal with.

Whether I could actually say yes to DD going, even at 7yo, I am not 100% sure. I'd fee like I should say yes, but could I actually agree to it.....not sure. Tough decision.

No way would i agree to this. gp's have had their parenting years, now it is time for them to stand back and let you have yours.

let them go, they will have a great time, 10 days seems like a long time to you but they will be having so much fun they wont miss you (sorry). my dd(nearly 3) has just been to spain with my parents and loved it, didnt miss us once!

When DD was 4.7, dd, dp and I were supposed to go on holiday to Spain with my parents, this was on the friday, the previous sunday I had ds 13 weeks early. Obviously dp and I were not too keen on going on holiday with my parents after that!!!
They offered to still take our daughter. She went with them on holiday and had a lovely time, my parents said it was one of those holidays when your smile is fake and you just keep on going, but your heart is not in it. DD had a lovely time, and didn't miss us once. I have to say though, it was the hardest time of my life.

This is the sort of things my parents would do, and actually wouldn't invite us not because the money would necessarily be an issue but because they like to be in control and do things their way, often which i don't agree with (maybe because it reminds me of my childhood ). They also want to be remembered as the great providers so in my opinion I think it is quite a selfish act on their part.

If you say no or question the details of the trip then you are portrayed as the villans of the piece - when really shouldn't they have spoken to you about what you would feel comfortable with ?? It's your kid, he's 7 and they are taking him away for 10 days to the other side of the world - of course you are concerned and they should be more sensitive.

Maybe I have read this wrong but that is how it would live in me.

We're having dinner with them next Thurs to discuss.

Dh is coming round to the idea now, that just leaves me.

DrNorthener. Any nearer?

I think it is a lovely offer but there is no way anyone would take my children to America without me. Sorry. I know that won't help.

I'd say no unless I could go too. There's no way my DCs are going abroad without me until they are at least 12. And I don't give a hoot if I sound precious.

But Dr. Northerner, if you only have a niggle in the pit of your stomach, maybe if they went for five days or a week only - would that be better?

It really wouldn't bother me if my parents took DD away abroad. She'd have a fab time, see some new things and yes I would miss her.

Before long they'll be wanting to go on school trips abroad, & that will be with non-family members.

Although Disneyland wouldn't happen as that is my parents idea of hell & that's somewhere I want to take her!