How would you handle a friend hired at work behaving oddly?

[Lyontamer]

A few months ago we hired someone that we knew quite well personally in a well paid, senior role and her behaviour has been really, really weird.

As background: she seems to have had a really great career, solid experience working for small companies doing quite niche work, very creative. But the move to our business is very different- different role, different type of business so she got the job mostly because of personal connections.

However! Since coming to work for us things got very weird, very quickly.

For reasons I can't understand, she started off throwing her weight around in a really aggressive way, sort of like demanding authority that doesn't belong to her. Then also treating other senior people with quite a lot of disrespect really needlessly which has resulted in complaints.

Now I've just found out that she told a junior staff member that she previously held an extremely senior role at a very well known brand, and I know this to be completely false. I find making up something like this to be quite worrying.

I've known this person for years and they were always well paid, seemingly successful and a normal CV. They've obviously got plenty of work experience so should know how to behave at work.

Beyond that she always seemed like a really nice, honest, moral type of person. Admittedly she was a bit of a shameless self promoter, but she was otherwise lovely so I overlooked it.

I'd stress she's been given a very well paid job in a nice company where nobody is competitive and she was welcomed very warmly so the behaviour is completely bizarre and we're struggling to work out what's going on.

I've tried speaking to her as have others and reactions have ranged between getting upset and claiming she's being picked on, patronising people, going on the attack or complete denial.

This has created a horrible environment at wirk, and her behaviour is just so odd that I'm hoping for help understanding it. She seems, behind the arrogance to be a bit fragile and so I'm not convinced formal discipline is the right route.

I am not justifying it at all, but since you're asking about it, the examples of thinking everyone else is an idiot ('why don't they think like me, it's obvious!') having poor boundaries with group work, and not realising/caring about hierarchy can be autistic traits. I am ASD myself and I have learned to stay quiet and mask, but some of the above come out when I'm stressed (because when that's the case I don't recognise it in the moment, only afterwards)
It isn't your problem to solve and you're not responsible for her 'fragility' as others have said, but IF she is autistic she would likely respond well to being asked questions about it, rather than just being 'told'. Most autistic people can explain why they did something in a lot of detail, and talking it through and gentle pointing out can help. Also asking about situations where you think they may have performed their best and are there patterns (the fact she usually works freelance makes me think she could well be someone who only works well autonomously, and moving round lots of companies can also be typical with ASD due to friction with bosses)
I'm not suggesting you go this route as an alternative to HR btw, because the team is important. More about the support you may give as a friend.

It show great leadership, especially cultural, and empathy to ask this question.

It's possible she's going through challenging life changes and impacts.... Only she could throw light on that.

We had similar in a great company culture. When I complained to the GM, he gently coached me....as he did my fellow managers to have that conversation with the person. We had a great culture and all of us were supportive, collaborative and team players until this new manager came in.
They (the newbie) were trying to prove their worth, in a position of (self assessed) vulnerability, when they didn't need to. Each of us dealt with it in our own way.....first:checking in to see how their first month has gone and getting them to provide feedback on opportunities for improvements, etc, but also giving them feedback with specific examples and reinforcing cultural expectations.
Then having a 5min coffee catch-up every morning.

They also (like every other person) had their weekly 121 with their line manager.

Basically, we reiterated how important they were to the business, that we worked collaboratively with collective ultimate aims and reinforced it. It has to come from everyone.

Did your recruitment process consider the personality/competency fit with company culture?

It's very possible she finds herself in a workplace where most seniors are at least as competent.as her, and it has come as a shock to not be top dog. She possibly underestimated your business as a small company where she would come in and dominate everybody. It will have come as quite a shock that this is not the case and she's trying to exerting herself, 'marking' herself as contender for pack leader and letting everyone know she won't be messed with. Pure pack behaviour with a new challenger for top dog 😬

Thanks to all by the way, sorry I'm not that engaged, a lot going on - house visitors etc.

Thanks for this. I think what I'm getting at is thst I dont believe in my gut that she's a terrible person but it feels like something is off and I try where I can to understand what's going on in people's lives.

She does say she's 'on the spectrum', so I think I'll approach it with her a bit more directly. I am actually married to someone with ASD but he doesn't present at all like this but I get everyone is the same.

It does seem to be anxiety based on some level.

I know what you mean, most people would describe me as meek and mild, but having met many autistic women (as part of networking re ND in employment) it's not that unusual to meet people who would be described as direct/forthright, and who assume that other people are happy because they haven't said otherwise (ie they're not picking up the non verbal cues that their opinion/input isn't warranted) It often comes with a need to be accurate/correct, and focusing on the small details rather than the bigger picture, which means not realising it's not important/not the right time to point out something is 'wrong'. And on top of that, most people with ASD do try really hard (even if it doesn't look like it to others) so there often is a sense of vulnerability, because we have to work so much harder to try and get it right, and invariably still get it wrong.

Its interesting that she's said she's on the spectrum, I know Mumsnet will say people self diagnose because it's a tic tock trend or whatever, but in reality telling people you're autistic doesn't really bring any advantages, so if she's saying she is I would be inclined to believe her.

aside from her behaviour has she delivered or demonstrated her capabilities? Has your business boomed due to her contribution

Read up on narcissistic personality disorder. It’s likely that may hall answer your confusion. Then let her go

This sounds potentially like narcissistic personality disorder; people who have this trait can be super successful and high achievers, and extremely charming and charismatic - but have an absolute need to control and dominate and be seen to be important, often without ‘normal’ levels of empathy or self awareness; they are often self-aggrandising (which could explain the false role boast) - had you considered something like this? (or indeed an impending mental health crisis) …

@Lyontamer I'm interested and pleased (though obviously not pleased for your situation) to read this thread. Some of the insights have helped me so much this evening. Thank you.

I'm currently trying to manage someone whose behaviour towards colleagues/reports (and me) can be frightening in its aggression (sometimes passive, sometimes less so) and spitefulness.

"Frightening" might sound over-dramatic, and no I'm not frightened, but the effect on the team has clearly been distressing for several years. It's documented that several former colleagues have left, giving this person's treatment of them as their reason for leaving. There's a climate of anxiety.

This person's aggression has spiked, into barely concealed rage, simmering, and mostly directed at me, due to a fear of, and anger at change. This really isn't "normal" resistance to change, it's a whole new level.

I'm not a business owner like you. I'm a small cog in a large organisation, and my role is to be an agent for change, to fix what isn't working. I'm the "new broom" here (a very new broom) and luckily it took me less than a working day to "see" this person.

You said that you're worried about your employee's fragility. And you come across as kind and genuinely concerned. It appears from your posts as if there are tears, expressions of vulnerability from your employee: she says she's at her lowest ebb?

When your employee gets fragile and emotional, have you tried observing neutrally, with a kind expression, but silently? (I fail at "kind expression" oops 🤔😂) Breathe, relax as much as you can, say absolutely nothing, and watch how quickly she shifts back out of her highly emotional state when she clocks it hasn't worked on you?

I'm no expert, so apologies if I've overstepped and told you something you already know inside out.

Some people/colleagues/employees (not too many, we can always hope...) show a cycle of manipulative behaviours: sulking, tears, anger, and round again, in varying orders. It's a strategy to disorient and control others. The tears aren't genuine.

Where is this behaviour in the workplace coming from, and why? @moderate said "a psychologically insecure response to imposter syndrome." Thank you so much @moderate I'm taking that with me.

I've had the "big", kind, emotionally draining (draining only for me 😂) conversation with the manager I'm trying to help to change, for the wellbeing of their team and the business as a whole. It didn't have the result I needed, so it's gone to senior management now.

@XfitWOD said "Deal with it. Don't let it limp on." That's such good advice, OP, and in your position, as the owner of the business, I'd act decisively and immediately.

Some people are good consultants. They come in, challenge, suggest changes that no-one else would because they won't be around for the fallout, etc They move on. They are not necessarily a good permanent employee because they need to play the long game. I've met many intelligent and motivated people in my time who can only ever do short contracts because, bluntly, they rub everyone up the wrong way. She sounds like one of those people.