How would you handle a friend hired at work behaving oddly?

[Lyontamer]

A few months ago we hired someone that we knew quite well personally in a well paid, senior role and her behaviour has been really, really weird.

As background: she seems to have had a really great career, solid experience working for small companies doing quite niche work, very creative. But the move to our business is very different- different role, different type of business so she got the job mostly because of personal connections.

However! Since coming to work for us things got very weird, very quickly.

For reasons I can't understand, she started off throwing her weight around in a really aggressive way, sort of like demanding authority that doesn't belong to her. Then also treating other senior people with quite a lot of disrespect really needlessly which has resulted in complaints.

Now I've just found out that she told a junior staff member that she previously held an extremely senior role at a very well known brand, and I know this to be completely false. I find making up something like this to be quite worrying.

I've known this person for years and they were always well paid, seemingly successful and a normal CV. They've obviously got plenty of work experience so should know how to behave at work.

Beyond that she always seemed like a really nice, honest, moral type of person. Admittedly she was a bit of a shameless self promoter, but she was otherwise lovely so I overlooked it.

I'd stress she's been given a very well paid job in a nice company where nobody is competitive and she was welcomed very warmly so the behaviour is completely bizarre and we're struggling to work out what's going on.

I've tried speaking to her as have others and reactions have ranged between getting upset and claiming she's being picked on, patronising people, going on the attack or complete denial.

This has created a horrible environment at wirk, and her behaviour is just so odd that I'm hoping for help understanding it. She seems, behind the arrogance to be a bit fragile and so I'm not convinced formal discipline is the right route.

'I see your true colours, shining through.
I see your true colours, and that's why I hate you..'

I couldn't help thinking of that song. Cyndi lauper I think?! 😂

You really never know people until you work or live with them. It's a shame as it's not only unpleasant at work but no doubt ruined your friendship.

But there's little point dwelling on why she's like that. She's a shit employee/manager/team player.

She can do the actual work but the rest is lacking. Some people just are like that.

And knowing them socially you'd never necessarily guess.

I will be going to watch Amandaland now!

Lying about previous experience, inner frailty and being aggressive point to a personality disorder of a cluster b type in my opinion, I knew someone like this and they leave or get fired from very job after being very difficult.

I admire your concern for her possible fragility, and I admire your humane curiosity about the reasons for her unreasonable behaviour. But you may have to accept that you won't get to the bottom of this.

Most people with fully-functioning empathy, kindness, honesty and intelligence tend to make the mistake of thinking that, if only they could put themselves into the mind of someone behaving badly, it would all make sense and a compassionate solution would become possible.

But t he reality is that there are people who are just very different. Ordinary empathy goes astray when we try to fathom them.

It sounds like you are already confident about the business response you need to make - a properly managed dismissal. It also sounds like you are someone who can handle the exit interview with calm frankness, stating how unsuitable her behaviour is clearly and without drama or bitterness. That is probably the best way to support her in her fragility.

Can you see her on Friday afternoon and say the probationary period hasn’t worked out so she is no longer required.

Unfortunately, as a PP has said: mixing friendship and business is really tricky unless the friendship develops as a result of the business association which is not what happened here.

The friendship is almost certainly over. It is probably better not to speculate on her fragility/her mental state/her generally etc - you don't want to end up on the wrong end of a disability or other discrimination claim.

Unfortunately, given the lie you refer to, I think it is very possible that quite a lot of what she has previously told you about herself needs to be taken with a pinch of salt.

If your friend is in her probationary period, it is much better to terminate her employment now. I have seen a situation where a single employee, who was good at the specifics of her job but deeply toxic and extremely tricky to manage and work with, caused an unbelievable level of division, upset and general chaos at her workplace within a few months of arriving. Best to sort it now.

Before you hired her she was your equal. Now she’s your subordinate. Not everyone can handle that. In a child you’d call it equalising behaviour. She’s trying to appear to be on a level with you.

Never, ever employ a friend. You lose them.

Actually before we hired her I think she thought she was superior to me in every possible way. I just never minded as I'm not competitive. Unless it's a pub quiz.

Get rid of her as fast and legally as you can. DH has hired friends before, and too often they think they are special due to the pre existing relationship, so rules don't apply to them. Its a nightmare and you'll never understand what going on inside their heads.

The fact is that you didn't know her as well as you thought you did. Her husband may shut up when she says outrageous things about her own salary because he knows he'll suffer later on, when they're alone.

She's giving you all every chance to fire her and if you don't do it soon then she'll be able to cause even more trouble.

Have you ever spoken on the phone to her old employers? It might prove to be very interesting.

Why on earth would you hire someone who acted superior to you in every possible way? Couldn't you see that that wouldn't work?

She doesn't sound especially stable/truthful and whilst I think it is certain this role has not worked out for her it is nice that you are concerned for her welfare. It is possible that she will be better not working in an environment that suits her so poorly. You might be weirdly doing her a favour by bringing the situation to a swift conclusion, for her and the rest of your workforce. Stress does strange things to people and she might be finding this role stressful despite your great culture as an organisation. It sounds tough but I don't think you have any choice but to let her go. Good luck, OP.

This. Insecurity and scared at being found out. She's potentially behaving how she thinks senior people behave, but hasn't really been to know better. I would guess out of her depth and possibly combined with something going on in her personal life that is just making it really hard coming to work everyday.

To be honest, because I thought all that confidence would equal great work!

I wonder if she has a bit of imposter syndrome so feels she has to prove her worth, and thinks that domination is authority/how you get respect?

Serves the company right for a ‘jobs for the boys’ style appointment!

Get rid of her and think no more about it. She should know how to behave by now in a position in her seniority.

This too.

This isn't confidence though, it's a need to feel and be seen as better than others, a need so strong that she tells unprompted lies about her CV. She's arrogant, upsets people and refuses to learn when she's confronted. There's nothing more you can do to help her fit in or understand her motivation. Try not to feel worried about her "fragility" when you get rid of her. She'll lie to people in her next job, and make it sound like she was very successful in her job with you but you/the company the job weren't good enough for her.

I once worked with someone who was very much like this, very similar indeed to the behaviour you describe but with some deliberate troublemaking thrown in. He was eventually "managed out" and everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief. He'd caused people a great deal of stress. If he'd stayed, good people would soon have left. The timewasting and picking up pieces his behaviour caused were very damaging to the company.

You're spending too much time analysing her and worrying about her feelings. You should really be thinking more about your employees who are on the receiving end of her behaviour and don't deserve to be treated that way.

You've tried to speak to her etc and it's not worked so now you need to manage it like she was just a normal employee who wasn't a friend before hiring her.

Make things official, raise the issues and expectations of changes and if she doesn't change manage her out especially now you are still within the 2 years for easier dismissal.

Narcissist?

While you are busy trying to figure her out, your employee’s and colleagues are having to put up with the toxic and unsafe environment her presence has created.

Let her go and move on already.

You already tried communication more than once. That was met with insubordination. If she is mentally losing it, that's for her spouse to pick up on and he's the one who should be insisting she see a doctor.

This is at the early point where it's easy to let her go when she's not a good fit. If it goes on longer and she just does the same over and over, and then comes the straw that breaks the camel's back, she might have more sway with an employment solicitor if the company wants to fire her much later.

Also, a word of warning - if staff know that she is a personal friend, for every complaint that you’ve received there will be 10 you haven’t because she’s your friend. So I reckon if you can’t fix this in 2 weeks you need to move her on because otherwise you’ll start losing staff.

This occurred to me too.

And also people will put up with a lot before they complain, so the situation might be worse than you think.

I'm overly invested in finding this out!

I would pick a couple of her previous roles and follow up on the references.

I bet there's a different story from each...