I 34F broke up with my 32M boyfriend. He wasn't ready for kids. Now I am alone. Let go ?

[Zlatana]

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about six months ago because we weren’t aligned on something really important to me — having kids in the near future. He wasn’t ready to even consider that within the next year or two, mainly because of his financial situation and the uncertainty around it. At the time, I felt like I had to make a decision for myself because I didn’t want to risk waiting too long and potentially missing my window to build the kind of life I want.

But now, I’m starting to question that decision. Dating has been a lot harder than I expected. I’ve met a few people, but I didn’t feel any real connection with them, and it’s made me reflect a lot on what I had before. My relationship with my ex was actually good in many ways. we got along well, had a strong bond, and there was mutual respect and care. The main issue was timing and future plans.
Looking back, I realize I was feeling a lot of pressure and anxiety about time passing, and that may have influenced my decision more than I wanted to admit. Now that I’m alone, I’m wondering if I gave up something meaningful too quickly, or if I made the right choice and just need to accept it and move on.

I feel stuck between missing him and questioning whether I should reach out, versus trying to let go completely and trust that I made the right decision for my future. I honestly don’t know which path is the healthiest or smartest in the long run.

OP I was feeling for you until you said you had only been with your boyfriend for 6 months. Of course he wasn’t ready to commit to having children soon.

If it’s that important to you and you aren’t prepared to risk waiting until you late 30s I think you would be better off pursuing this alone. You are extremely unlikely to find a man you love who wants to have kids with you in such a short turn around. And rightly so really, having kids puts a huge strain on a relationship and they will obviously be feeling like you are just using them as a sperm donor

You’ve done the right thing, OP. Your ex said he wanted kids but not for at least 4 years, I think what you’ve got to consider is that what he actually might have meant was that he wanted kids but not with you. I met my now husband when he was 28 and I was 33. We had our first child when I was 35 and he was 30. In an ideal world he said he would have preferred to wait a couple more years but he wanted kids with me so we just got on with it.

But:

• Your partner -wants- kids
• you’re 30, it might not feel like a big deal now but 34 will feel very different in terms of fertility timelines
• many people have kids in their 40s but many people struggle with infertility and incur higher health risks when having kids in their 40s. There’s nothing out there yet to override the biological clock for women and delaying children until 40s if you want them and can have them earlier is a huge risk

Yes this.

You seem to dating to find a sperm donor rather than a life partner to raise children together with. No decent man will go along with this.

Agree with others that 6 months into a relationship is far too early to push someone into committing to children.

My advice to you is to freeze your eggs now (don’t wait any later), so you can date without pressure and not settle for any bag of rubbish to father your children (as so many women seem to do…).

I think this will often be an issue with men younger than you who aren’t looking to settle down yet. You might want to look at older guys (not ‘old’, older) who might be more ready and ideally looking to have kids within a couple of years.

I don’t think it’s the same as ‘I might be ready in 4 years.’ That goalpost can easily move. You want people who are ready for the next stage in life. I’m not suggesting to rush into it but if you’re both looking to have a family in the near future that’s a different setup from what you had.

You can’t undo your choice OP, the relationship will never be the same again even if he wants to be back. I would have done the same as you.

I mean 6 months is short but I need to find early on where to invest my time. I’m not 25.
My ex says 4 years, maybe he could change his mind in a couple of years if finances improves, but he could also change his mind by saying he needs to wait.
I admit it’s hard, I also need a man who can take care of the rent/food/clothes for me and my child, when I am handling the family/house stuff ( that’s my view of the couple).
And maybe some men out there already know that they want kids in the coming years.

I already froze my eggs last year. But I use it as an insurance, I don’t want to use it. It doesn’t relax me at all

My child? I think you mean our child don’t you? I understand the want and need to have a child, but you have to decide whether or not a man is just a means to an end.

Many decent men will be scared off by this and see it as a massive red flag.

Not only the time frame part but also the ‘being taken care of’ bit for you and ‘your’ child.

It won’t attract a decent partner.

So you want a man to is prepared to get your pregnant and finance your life within 6 months of dating… even men who might want kids in the next few years are unlikely to be in any way impressed by that proposal!

This! Give it time, you made the right decision x

I actually commend him for saying no to having kids with you after six months.

The flags are so big and so red!

Keep looking OP. You’ve got standards and you’ve acted on them, don’t turn back now. It sounds like he wasn’t in the best place financially, as well as having a time frame that doesn’t work for your family plans, so you’ve done the right thing by moving on. Freezing your eggs is a good insurance policy, although it’s no guarantee.

He was saying now that he'd be ready in 4 years, but that could easily change. If kids are a necessity for you, you need to look for someone who also wants them, not wants-them-at-some-point. It's too susceptible to future faking. I don't think you were wrong to move on after 6 months, but you might be better off by sifting your potential partners for ones ready for a ltr and wanting kids soon before you start dating.

What sort of dating sites are you on? I would try sites like eHarmony were intentionality and matching on your view of the future is built in.

Six months is early to call off a relationship but as he said definitely not for 3 or 4 years, then you knew that he wouldn’t even be interested in it until your biological clock was well and truly ticking. Sadly it may have worked out if you’d stayed with him and it may not. That is a huge risk to take as like you said, you might also break up in that time and then you have to start again from square one.

It is completely reasonable to have been worried about this and factor it into your relationship decisions, not everyone has the luxury of meeting someone they fall in love with and want children with within their fertile years. It has to be prioritised before that time in your life has passed.

I don’t think reaching out is a good idea as you already broke up with him over this. He is unlikely to have changed his mind.

What do you want to have done before you have kids?

Have you had a fertility MOT? Would you consider freezing eggs or embryos?

I had a friend who was in this position. She spent 2 years on then off with someone who didn't want kids. Eventually they split up for good. She had to wait 2 years to meet someone but 6 months ago she eventually had a baby and is getting married. If she'd stuck with the first guy she would still be childless at 40.

Quite. Im surprised he didn't run in fear, rather than op being the one to end it.

I had the feeling that I would still be anxious about it as the months go by. I cut my losses, although I loved him and think he would be a good father, I think he has to clarify the matter on his side. It was painful. Me at 34 years old I'm clear that I want kids asap, and that I want to be married.

The thing is that I'm starting from square one now, dating older men. That is a totally different vibe. Plus, there's a possibility that I may end up having kids at 37/38 with another man, in order to build the relationship first, getting married etc, the same timeline my ex suggested.

Thank you all for your support. I'm glad I did it in case it doesn't work out for me.

I know you feel in a rush but don’t be rushed. Enjoy your young life. If you a relax a bit, call of the search, and enjoy your life then that’s when you will meet someone.

I actually disagree with some posters here. If you really want kids and there’s a timeline then there’s no harm in mentioning it. My SIL’s cousin at 34 was considering a sperm donor then she met her boyfriend, they were together less than a year, before she got pregnant and now she’s had her second child last December. I assume they had the talk about babies.

Agreed.

The more the OP posts, the more she makes the dating field look like a stud farm.

I spent my 30s in a series of relationships meeting and not meeting people. I was well aware my biological clock was ticking. Another friend met at 35 and dated then married her boyfriend (7 years younger). She was newly divorced. Luckily she had 2 kids one after the other at 37. Her mum was also a fertility doctor.

But you can’t get away from the fact that at 34 if you want children, you’re well aware your biological clock is ticking.