I 34F broke up with my 32M boyfriend. He wasn't ready for kids. Now I am alone. Let go ?

[Zlatana]

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about six months ago because we weren’t aligned on something really important to me — having kids in the near future. He wasn’t ready to even consider that within the next year or two, mainly because of his financial situation and the uncertainty around it. At the time, I felt like I had to make a decision for myself because I didn’t want to risk waiting too long and potentially missing my window to build the kind of life I want.

But now, I’m starting to question that decision. Dating has been a lot harder than I expected. I’ve met a few people, but I didn’t feel any real connection with them, and it’s made me reflect a lot on what I had before. My relationship with my ex was actually good in many ways. we got along well, had a strong bond, and there was mutual respect and care. The main issue was timing and future plans.
Looking back, I realize I was feeling a lot of pressure and anxiety about time passing, and that may have influenced my decision more than I wanted to admit. Now that I’m alone, I’m wondering if I gave up something meaningful too quickly, or if I made the right choice and just need to accept it and move on.

I feel stuck between missing him and questioning whether I should reach out, versus trying to let go completely and trust that I made the right decision for my future. I honestly don’t know which path is the healthiest or smartest in the long run.

do you think if you were back with him you would spend a lifetime resenting the fact that he never wanted to have kids with you? I don’t think I could ever forgive someone for taking that away from me. Don’t give up the dating, keep searching!

You did the right thing. You have precious fertile years and if you go back to him now you could easily waste even more of them on him. If he suddenly wanted kids and regretted letting you go then he would have been in touch with you by now.

How long were you guys together? 6 months is such a short period - I would give it more time, and be very deliberate on the kind of man you want to go for. It does sound painful, however, it is a pain that’s worth it in the end.

OP, I was put in exactly the same position at the same age. I ended it too. I finally had my ds in my 40s but I haven't regretted the decision I made.

If someone doesn't share your dreams, life wouldn't work. At least one of you would have been unhappy.

I think you’ve done the right thing . He’s not reaching out to you . He may never be ready for children . You have time . I was 40 when I had my first and 42 with second child . Keep dating , the right man will come along .

If someone 'reached out' to me after dumping me and then realising dating others wasn't working out, I'm not sure I could repeat what my response to them would be.

Surely you're not going to say 'Sorry John, I thought the dating game was easier but it's not, so you'll have to do after all'??

We were together for 6 months. It was short but it was intense.

Yes, I was thinking about my fertile years. He wants kids, just not in the short term. He said he would be ready in around 4 years, in order to save money, climb the ladder and travel. But I am older so I am more anxious about it, having to wait until 37, with the risk of him breaking up.

Now I am back on the dating market, and I found it very difficult. The irony is that I will maybe have to wait to find the right one, create a connection, be married, and finally have a child around 37/38, the same timeline my ex told me.

Your partner didn't want kids at all or didn't want kids on your agenda ?

I agree with others - you did the right thing and have time to find someone else who has the same priorities and timeline as you.

You could always consider a sperm donor, in the future, if you struggle to find "the one". One of my single friends did that (she lives abroad) and has 0 regrets.

6 months isn’t long enough to know if you do or don’t want to have children with someone.

No wonder your ex wanted to wait and make sure things were aligned / you were settled and living together before committing to that.

Children are a lifetime commitment, and raising them is hard on both parents.

You were together six months and you were already discussing children? Personally I think your partner did the right thing, that’s way too early in a relationship, you’re still in the honeymoon phase. You have no idea if the relationship will even last, never mind bringing children into it. ESPECIALLY when the financial situation is precarious.

What?! 😂 oh for heaven’s sake OP

I just don't have time to lose. I am 34. I was anxious about the fact that he changes his mind in 2/3 years, I would have lost precious years. Geriatric pregnancy ... I was thinking about prioritizing dating older men 38/39, that would be certain about their will to have a child in a year or two

Now I miss him and I don't know what to do

What about it ?

I wouldn’t have been having that conversation with anyone at 6months. If my DH had asked me at that point I wouldn’t have confidently said I would want to have them. I might have asked before dating whether children were in his plans and then opening the conversation after a year but it sounds like you pushed for a definitive answer too soon.

I think you’re in a really tricky situation to be honest OP- 6 months into a relationship is far too soon I would say to be seriously talking about having children with someone. You’re still in the early days and who you have children with is the biggest and most important decision you make, I don’t think he was wrong to not be ready to make that decision so early on, you need to be totally sure and secure in a way that you simply won’t be after 6 months.

I do get your issue though with biological clock and I have friends who are in the same position who have found that 38-40 year old men are not looking for a 34/35 year old woman but rather are looking at younger women so that they still have some time before they have to start thinking about ttc.

It seems from your posts you’re more interested in having a baby and you don’t really care where it’s coming from… you should be prioritising a stable relationship before anything else. You can’t date men with the sole thought in mind that they might be able to get you pregnant six months in.

6 months is nothing. At this stage in your life, with not much time to spare, you should be prioritising relationships with men who do want to have a family, not asking at 6 months, leaving when they say no, and then going back to said man who said he doesn’t want children.

Forget this one entirely and focus on getting savvy when dating and finding the men who actually want a family. They are out there- despite the horror stories on here of online dating, the vast majority of couples I know (myself and my husband included) who now have 1-3 children all met on various online dating apps.

If you reached out to me in this situation I’d run for the hills it could very easy come across your desperate for someone to have a baby

You need to decide if you want a relationship in which both of you decide you’d like to start a family, or to have a child at all costs.

You don’t have to have the first to have the second, and you shouldn’t be rushing into a situation where you create a lifetime commitment to another person before you really know them, just to satisfy your biological clock.

If you’re looking for a life partner, pursue relationships at a normal pace, and what will be will be, children or no children - thousands of couples live happy lives together never having children, either by choice or circumstance,

But if you must have a child, and feel you have all you need to offer a new person a good life, then go the donor route and do it by yourself. But I can assure you you’re not anywhere near running out of time. My gynae was still offering me the chance to have help to conceive when I was 46.

6 months oh my god. My partner and I have been together less than a year. I’m 30, he’s two years younger than me. He wants kids but not now. We agreed about 5 months in to revisit it in a couple of years so we can plan accordingly and actually enjoy our relationship together first. We agreed this early on so we could continue the relationship. You said he wants kids but not yet but people have healthy babies in their 40s, you’re really young and time is on your side. Dating online is fucking hard and my pals who are on the apps can’t find anyone at all. You should have been working to build a life with someone rather than just getting with someone so you can have kids with them. That’s not fair at all.

I did this too. I was in my 30s. With bf six years, no sign of him ever wanting to change things re marriage, children or lifestyle. I eventually met someone and had children, and although we too split up eventually I have two wonderful children (now adult). I shudder to think I could still be with bf if I’d put his wants and needs before my own. Googled him recently out of curiosity, haven’t seen him for a good 25 years. He’s still not married or had kids and still lives in the same house.

You've made the right decision. It didn't give him a wake up call.
He said about 4 years but no guarantee he wouldn't want to wait longer when you got to that point, then you'd be 38 and having the same dilemma 4 years older. At least he didn't string you along and say "two years" then "another two years" then "another two years".

You've not been back in the dating pool long and you still have time. I get that it's exasperating that everything was going well apart from this issue but it's a huge issue if you know it's what you really want.

I know 34 seems ‘old’ to you but you are on a hiding to nothing auditioning potential partners for the daddy role so soon.
Adding so much pressure to yourself and them means you will just keep meeting people and they will feel like they are at a job interview.
Shelve it for a while.
If you want to do it alone, then do that if having a child is very, very important.
However, if you would like someone to share your life with then calm down a bit.
And I’m not saying all younger men are the same but a lot at around 32 won’t be thinking about kids because they simply don’t have to.
Don’t go back to the last one looking for something - you had a nice 6 months.
I can remember this phase in my friendship group and we all worried and faffed around and basically each met someone and settled down when it was the right person at the right time. The ones who wanted to have kids had kids.