Should we accept my father-in-law’s vague offer towards a new car?

[Fran099]

My husband and I have been looking at buying a new car. We have a second DS on the way (due next week), and the current car is almost 15 years old and on its last legs.

We found a car we both liked and felt was a sensible choice, and my husband was going to purchase it.

I was busy, so he was going to go alone, but he texted his dad to see if he wanted to join, since he is always telling us he wishes to be more involved in our lives.

FIL replied, saying how upset he was that he had not been included earlier in the research process, as he may have considered providing some money towards a car, and wants to make sure it is a good car. He then proceeded to spam my husband’s email inbox with videos of which cars to avoid etc, none of them were the car we were buying.

My husband spent hours on the phone with him instead of picking up the car we agreed on, and he has agreed to hold off on getting the car and keep discussing it with FIL, as he thinks it's helpful to have financial support. We still don't have an amount or clarity on whether it's a loan, FIL just keeps saying he could help out.

We have the money to pay for the car, but it would relieve some financial pressure if he helped. However, I don’t think we should accept the financial offer, as he is being vague about the amount and keeps suggesting we need additional conversations with him about different types of cars before we purchase one.

I know his dad won't give us the money unless he likes the car. He did the same with a house we were buying - offered to help but saw something he didn't like on google maps and refused to send over the money after he had agreed to it and we had instructed a solicitor etc so had to pull out.

A gift (if it is that) of money is generous, but surely it shouldn't have strings attached? I'm finding it controlling tbh and am feeling a bit irritated and want to get this sorted before baby arrives.

FIL replied, saying how upset he was that he had not been included earlier in the research process, as he may have considered providing some money towards a car, and wants to make sure it is a good car.
Response: Good news FIL, we haven’t bought it yet so you can still provide some money - this is the car <forwards details>.
FIL: But I want to make sure it is a good car. <starts spamming car details>. Response: This is the car <send again>. Good news I am going there this afternoon to buy it, please come I’d value your input to make sure it it a good car.
FIL can’t / won’t / misdirects etc etc. Response: So you never actually had any intention of helping then did you? Sorry, gotta go and buy a car. See ya!

I agree with all of this except "please come I’d value your input to make sure it it a good car."

No WAY would I let this controlling git come anywhere near me buying a car.

My relative was a bit like FIL, and I was kind of coerced by my mother to "let him help me". He charged in like a stroppy bull and was eventually basically accusing the person selling the car of trying to cheat me (he really really wasn't), and the guy just said to me, "Look, I see you've got things to handle here, but I don't want this" and he pulled out of the sale. And my relative was all smug and telling the whole family how he had saved me from being conned, and I was just 😳

It doesn't sound as if he ever intended/intends to give you money for a house/car. Maybe if you (a) grovel for it (b) let him make all the decisions and (c) retain some sort of moral ownership rights over it.

Fuck that shit.

My in-laws were the same. They'd actually then get huffy and offended when we side stepped the game playing and just managed on our own. But the peace of mind from living an independent life is priceless.

The huffing is ridiculous.

Do you still see them?

He sounds v controlling and husband is aiding that. Needs to grow some balls, I'd be tempted to email back and just say "thanks for the offer of x amount, we're going to collect the car we've chosen at x time on x day, please could you send over the money by lunchtime. Thanks it means a lot you helping out at such a stressful time" call his bluff.

A gift with strings is not a gift at all! My DH has fallen for this twice, similar situation both times. First time at 17 just passed his test. FIL put £300 towards a £5K car and then expected full control over how and when it was driven as a result. Few years later MIL (FIL & MIL divorced since DH was a baby) offered out of the blue to put £1K loan towards a £18K car as oppose to DH loaning the small amount that was beyond what he could afford. She held it over DHs head for years, way way after he had repaid her. Both times he could have easily proceeded without help from parents and the expectation that followed the ‘gift’ was not anywhere near worth the headache they then caused with their expectations. Since then, if we cant afford it we don’t have it and if we can afford it we just get on and do it. My MIL sounds similar to the situation you have with your FIL, very hard to please tricky character with control issues. We no longer keep contact but when we did, we used to keep very casual when we had bought new houses/cars/other big purchases and not go into detail on our finances when asked. ‘How did you afford that new house’ … ‘well with our salaries silly, how else’. Drove her absolutely mad!

Thanks for this. Can I ask, did your husband realise that his mother was controlling him, or did you point it out?

DH does see it a bit, but I don’t think he realises quite how controlling he is and still finds it so hard to disagree with him.

They are both deceased now though ironically DH inherited a fair chunk which we put towards our current house, without them being around to huff and puff and make out we needed their approval.

It's a shame really as I'd hope most parents would enjoy seeing their children making sensible use of monetary gifts and improving their quality of life during their lifetime (if they could comfortably afford to make such a gift), but DH had to wait until they were gone!