Should we accept my father-in-law’s vague offer towards a new car?

[Fran099]

My husband and I have been looking at buying a new car. We have a second DS on the way (due next week), and the current car is almost 15 years old and on its last legs.

We found a car we both liked and felt was a sensible choice, and my husband was going to purchase it.

I was busy, so he was going to go alone, but he texted his dad to see if he wanted to join, since he is always telling us he wishes to be more involved in our lives.

FIL replied, saying how upset he was that he had not been included earlier in the research process, as he may have considered providing some money towards a car, and wants to make sure it is a good car. He then proceeded to spam my husband’s email inbox with videos of which cars to avoid etc, none of them were the car we were buying.

My husband spent hours on the phone with him instead of picking up the car we agreed on, and he has agreed to hold off on getting the car and keep discussing it with FIL, as he thinks it's helpful to have financial support. We still don't have an amount or clarity on whether it's a loan, FIL just keeps saying he could help out.

We have the money to pay for the car, but it would relieve some financial pressure if he helped. However, I don’t think we should accept the financial offer, as he is being vague about the amount and keeps suggesting we need additional conversations with him about different types of cars before we purchase one.

I know his dad won't give us the money unless he likes the car. He did the same with a house we were buying - offered to help but saw something he didn't like on google maps and refused to send over the money after he had agreed to it and we had instructed a solicitor etc so had to pull out.

A gift (if it is that) of money is generous, but surely it shouldn't have strings attached? I'm finding it controlling tbh and am feeling a bit irritated and want to get this sorted before baby arrives.

Your DH needs to say to his DF

“Thanks Dad for the generous offer. We appreciate the advice but we’ve decided what we want. We don’t want to take your money because I know you might make a different choice and if we make a mistake we’d rather it was with our money not yours. But thanks.”

Nothing more to say. Just repeat this.

FIL might mean well and is trying to save you from making an expensive mistake but he is being controlling. It will knock DH’s confidence in his capacity to make his own choices.

Yes, FIL is controlling but if DH is ‘being controlled’ due to FOG or whatever, that’s down to DH.

Yes agreed. Not all controlling behaviour comes from a bad place. Parents of adult children often try to save their children from difficulty long after they should let go, out of love. But it doesn’t help with launching.

Do you think he would even give the money, even if it was what he said was good?

Some parents like to dangle the whole gift of money above their adult children's heads. However in reality they were never gonna gift the money.

My friends FIL has done the same to her and her dh over the years. Pretendingsums of cash were coming their way for a house, car, holiday etc but it never actually emerges. Now they just roll their eyes and nod knowing it's a pipe dream the FIL has.

We have the money to pay for the car, but it would relieve some financial pressure if he helped. However, I don’t think we should accept the financial offer, as he is being vague about the amount and keeps suggesting we need additional conversations with him about different types of cars before we purchase one.

I don't think you should be tempted. You have the money, so buy the car you want and then you don't have to please anyone else.

the risk is that he will run rings around you, changing his mind, placing conditions on the money and the car, and worst of all, suddenly decides it's a loan and you have to pay the money back.

get him involved in other ways, but keep him away from your finances, always keep control.

I agree with this, and I don't know for certain that it comes from a bad place. However, FIL doesn't try to respect DH as an adult; instead, he puts him down and mocks him every chance he gets.

The offer of money only came once FIL felt he was not included in the decision making. DH has mentioned a few times in the past that he'd need to get a new car soon and never did FIL mention helping to fund it.

I'm not sure he will actually give us anything, but DH seems to think he will.

Just do your own thing, the bloke sounds like an absolute time waster with no intention of giving any money.

Make your own decisions, he is just confusing matters.

FIL is dangling these non gifts as a way to exert control. He’s not doing it to be kind otherwise he’d actually put the money into DH’s account and say “let me know if you need any other help”.

Your DH is currently playing into his hands. I’m guessing he was probably like this with DH when he was growing up and thinks the same trickery will work again.

You and DH need to stand up to him and keep saying NO until he realises playing those games won’t get him anywhere. Treat him like a naughty toddler.

Buy the car that you want and stop including FIL in any future purchase discussions.

If I insist that we say not to his offer doesn't that then make me controlling because DH doesn't agree…

FML I'm far too pregnant, tired and hormonal for this nonsense

I'd say if you have the money then go ahead and get what car you like. I always get attitude from my mum when I swap a car every three years or so just because she thinks I don't know what I'm doing.

Of course not, it’s a joint decision between you and DH but you can be assertive about your view. If DH accepts the money he puts both of you under an obligation to your FIL. You can choose not to be obliged to him.

It’s not controlling to not want to accept FIL’s terms for his possible gift or loan, nor to want a better car soon.

In the circumstances, I wouldn't touch his money.
Just buy the car you want, OP, and don't tell dad. In fact, stop discussing your prospective purchases with him - you're adults, it's not necessary.

He is using his money to control you and your husband and he hasn't actually handed over any cash so far. He isn't doing anything out of kindness or generosituy but out of a need to be able to interfere with your big financial decisions.

What's he like as a father/father-in-law/grandfather?

ETA that I've seen your other posts where he isn't a great dad to your DH and has often upset him.

But didn’t you both agree on the car in the first place?! How is that controlling?! You’re being far too reasonable for someone who’s due next week OP 😆

You and your husband made a decision as a team. You can think more logically about this situation versus your husband who has this parent/child ingrained dynamic swaying him. It's not controlling to state the strength of your feelings on the matter. Just as if a parent weren't intruding, when a couple is at odds about a topic, it sometimes help to ask how important on a scale of 1 to 10 it is for them. A consensus and compromise can more easily be decided. Your husband would be the one at fault and disrespectful to you to have his and his father's decision override your opinion. You really should speak to your husband about the both of you working as a team has to always come before letting others influence your decision.

If your FIL was a mentally healthy and ethical man, he'd simply say: With your new baby about to arrive, here's an envelope of man to help you out with any extras.

Enjoy your new baby and new car!

This is really helpful - thank you!!

Haha well I was fuming about it in the night when I couldn't sleep 🤣

What car you buy has nothing to do with Fil! None of his damn business! Dh shouldn’t have let him get involved from the start and pointed out that what car you buy is a family decision between him and his wife ONLY

If FIL was actually going to give you some money without strings attached then it wouldn’t matter when he handed the money over - before or after the car is bought! Point out to your dh that you are about to give birth and you need the car sorted NOW and YOJ and your current situation are the priority and should always be amd your fil
can help you out with money if he wants but he’s basically controllIng YOUR life and your dh is allowing him to like this

Your FIL opinion isn't required.
He may not be up to date regarding space needed for baby seats etc.

Imagine if you wanted to discuss it with your family, how would you navigate all different opinions.
Just do your own thing is my advice and definetely don't take any money off hi.

OH needs to be firm and say dad that’s great you want to help but you really don’t have to. We need the car before baby arrives and like the one we first agreed on. I’m gonna get that one and if you want to help out, great, but really we just need to get the car now.

You need a car and the baby is due imminently.
You have the money so get a car that works for you and get it now, not when FIL has agreed he thinks it’s the right car and may or may not contribute.

will it piss off FIL? of course

will it cause strain between DH & FIL?of course but FIL will get over it as he obviously did when you bought the house without his help

both you & your DH will be overthinking and overreacting due to the baby, whatever you do FIL will be upset and fwiw I think he is controlling so you should just ignore him and carry on

Or if the Fil takes the nip for whatever reason and demands money back.
Nah your DH needs to keep this interfering git at arms length .
He needs to be his own man and stop seeking approval from his dad because he'll never attain it.