Should we accept my father-in-law’s vague offer towards a new car?

[Fran099]

My husband and I have been looking at buying a new car. We have a second DS on the way (due next week), and the current car is almost 15 years old and on its last legs.

We found a car we both liked and felt was a sensible choice, and my husband was going to purchase it.

I was busy, so he was going to go alone, but he texted his dad to see if he wanted to join, since he is always telling us he wishes to be more involved in our lives.

FIL replied, saying how upset he was that he had not been included earlier in the research process, as he may have considered providing some money towards a car, and wants to make sure it is a good car. He then proceeded to spam my husband’s email inbox with videos of which cars to avoid etc, none of them were the car we were buying.

My husband spent hours on the phone with him instead of picking up the car we agreed on, and he has agreed to hold off on getting the car and keep discussing it with FIL, as he thinks it's helpful to have financial support. We still don't have an amount or clarity on whether it's a loan, FIL just keeps saying he could help out.

We have the money to pay for the car, but it would relieve some financial pressure if he helped. However, I don’t think we should accept the financial offer, as he is being vague about the amount and keeps suggesting we need additional conversations with him about different types of cars before we purchase one.

I know his dad won't give us the money unless he likes the car. He did the same with a house we were buying - offered to help but saw something he didn't like on google maps and refused to send over the money after he had agreed to it and we had instructed a solicitor etc so had to pull out.

A gift (if it is that) of money is generous, but surely it shouldn't have strings attached? I'm finding it controlling tbh and am feeling a bit irritated and want to get this sorted before baby arrives.

FIL can put whatever strings he likes on his loans or gift offers. It’s his money. You and DH can accept or decline the money.

Seek to reach agreement with DH about what to do.

Did you take the money for a house, in the end?

No don't accept his offer! He's already stopped you from buying the car you'd decided on and is using money to control your husband's time.

Gifts with strings attached are not well meant and will always haunt you. He'll mess you around until long after you need to have the car, and then either change his mind and keep his money or remind you every day that you drive the car that he bought it and you owe him.

No we declined in the end.

Just get the car you want yourselves, far too much faff.

I agree - it doesn't feel well meant!

Surely if you actually want to help out financially you give the money without any strings attached.

Agree with this. Every word. You missed out on the house because of Fil, and now the car. your husband needs to grow up, put his first and buy the car that works for you all. Your baby is due any minute! I'd be livid with dh.

Did your fil help with a house purchase eventually? I could never trust him again after leaving you in the lurch the first time.

I think the alarm bells should've rung when he said he was upset that you haven't involved him in your decision to buy a car. It's absolutely none of his business what car you buy. It sounds like he will just waste a lot of your time sharing his opinion on various cars before finding an excuse not to gift you some money.

Well he’s got a track record so no I would just go ahead and get the car you’ve identified. Yes it would be great if he contributed not at the cost of your own autonomy.

Is your DH keen to please him generally ? My own DH did have a pretty strong need for approval from his parents which I think stemmed from his dads quite controlling behaviour. He thought his dad had good financial knowledge and instincts but after his death it tuned out he’d been spouting quite a lot of crap and had been taken advantage of financially by all these deals so clearly out of touch. It was quite an eye opener.

No we decided the best thing to do was to pay for it ourselves as his dad wasn’t being clear on what he needed to give us the money (there is a pattern here!)

I am a bit annoyed with DH but he has a tricky relationship with his dad so I do think it’s hard for him to say no to him. He’s been much better over the last 10 years so this has surprised me a bit.

I think this is exactly it. His dad is always putting him down and trying to control him so he still wants to try to please him.

‘He's [FIL] already stopped you from buying the car you'd decided on’. No: OP’s H stopped that purchase, having decided to wait on his father’s timeline and whims, for money.

OP’s H isn’t ‘being controlled’: his father has his strings/timeline which may or may not be U. OP’s H can do as he and OP decide.

Your primary problem here is your H.

Nope dont accept money with strings attached that are not firmly written down (like a loan to repay at x interest) is a bad situation.

don’t be passive. The baby is due next week! Tell DH you want a car sorted by end of the bank holiday

Do not accept father in laws offer. He also has form for this. It’s anything but well meant and is loaded with a whole heap of obligation attached to it.

Your Dh could do with reading Toxic Parents by Susan forward. His people pleasing comes from wanting to please and or get the approval of his dad, approval he will never get. I would encourage you all to stay well away from his dad.

We have managed to reduce contact with him a fair bit but his dad will regularly get upset about something random we have done (for example daring to vaccinate our own child) and my husband will start feeling guilty, even if he knows it’s irrational.

i absolutely think he should read the book but I’m not sure DH is there yet …. He did say to me the other day that he thinks his dad is quite emotionally manipulative so that is progress.

FIL telling DH that he is ‘upset’ with him for considering buying a car without getting his advice is pretty controlling.

Yep agree with this. He's not helping is he? Buy the car. If he sends money after that then great. If not don't worry. Suggest an account per grandchild into which he can add money.

Your DH needs to find his voice and say to his dad we’re buying this car, if you want to help then great, if not we’re buying it anyway. Just get on with it, your new child is due next week, you won’t have time to think about cars!

You're adults with a family of your own. Buy the car you want. Ignore FIL.

Urgh my ils did this over a double buggy! 2 dc a year apart and they offered to buy the buggy when dc2 arrived.. But they wanted to choose it! Mil was 5ft nowt and was the built like a clothes horse.. No way could she have pushed any of the options available back then! They ummed and aahed until dh told them thanks for the offer but we need one ASAP not when dc can walk! They were miffed but so be it.

With this history, no way should you accept the money, even if it's literally given to you in cash.

Also, this is a decision that affects you as well as H: you should put your foot down. If H lets himself be led around by his father via a ring through his nose and it only affects him, well, fine, that's his problem. But here, it's also your problem, because your H permitting this controlling behaviour of FIL to dictate your family decisions is creating uncertainty and bother for YOU.

I'd also demand that he readsToxic Parents/Toxic ILs - FIL is a text book example of the Controller - and/or get some therapy. When partners still march blindly to the drum of their toxic and abusive parents, their decison-making is geared to please or appease those parents. Their priority - deep down - is their parent, not their own family. This can lead to very harmful decisions that seriously affect the lives of their spouse and children.

I speak from bitter experience.

He needs to see the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and work hard to escape it, becfore he damages his wife and children. It will also lead to a better life for him.

My PiL are like this. I’m a proud, stubborn, independent type and I can’t bare to be beholden to anyone so we’ve always said no. The other side of the family haven’t. They’ve received significant amounts (which have disappeared into the air so they’re as broke as us despite earning more in the first instance) but are in their emotional debt and so seem to be more impacted by the IL’s whims. My friends have said I’m a mug to have said no. I probably am, but I wouldn’t change my previous decision.

It’s very controlling. Why not call his bluff and see if he will actually give you the money … obviously don’t sign the paperwork for the car until you get the money.

dh is weak. he needs to man up. while being diplomatic.

i’d suggest he thanks his dad “for all the links and for pointing out the pros and cons of various models”. and tells him that “my wife and i will consider those points carefully when we make our decision and really appreciate your help. any financial gifts would be most welcome, we would really appreciate that, thanks”

….and then go on to buy whatever car you both want without him present or involved and for whatever amount you can afford without his help.

when showing it to fil, if i was your dh, i’d point out anything similar to keep fil onside. eg “we got the one with the smaller engine like you suggested dad” or “this has the extra parking sensors you pointed out in one of the car links you sent us” etc to show fil that youve taken his points into consideration and that could swing the balance as to whether you get his money.

if he’s not forthcoming he can go fuck right off.

giving you money now rather than prior to the purchase makes no odds. it will still help. and if it’s not forthcoming it’s no matter as what youve paid is what you can afford without his contribution.

This is helpful. Thank you!