Partner living with me but refusing to give up his rented flat

[Joloman74]

Need some advice please. Me and my partner have been in a relationship for 3 and a half years now but 10 and a half years altogether. It was casual for 6 and a half years. We also dated when we were teenagers but split up then reconnected years later. Anyway, he has been living with me for the last 8 months but will not give up his apartment which is rented and is paying rent every week which includes the bills whether he has used the facilities or not. I think it's a total waste of money but he won't give it up. Am I being unreasonable here or am I missing something because I just dont understand the logic? Any advice from you guys would be much appreciated x

Is he contributing to your bills?

He does give me money towards the food shopping x

Does he pay anything towards the bills that he uses whilst he is at yours? If yes he does contribute then I’d leave him to it for now until you’ve been living together for longer, if he doesn’t contribute then that’s a problem if he’s making your bills higher but not paying anything because he’s paying for an empty flat that’s unfair to you. So I would say he either pays a fair share to the bills or he moves back to his flat

Is paying the increased council tax and a share of the utilities ? If he is then how he spends his spare money isn’t really an issue for you. I can see that waiting to see if house sharing works for you both is sensible for him.

He needs to contribute towards bills etc at yours. If he can only do that by renting out flat or at least taking a lodger then so be it.

It's not fair for him to use all your energy etc and not chip in, just so he can have a house empty. If he doesn't want to do this then he needs to spend more time in his own flat. Is there a reason why you can't just hang out at his sometimes?

I wouldn't be saying he should sell the flat though. It's good that he does have somewhere to go and if you spilt it will be easier for both parties.

He's paying rent on a flat that he's not living in? I think people are assuming he owns the flat and refusing to rent it out, but your post seems to suggest he's paying to rent it weekly. Has he possibly got a tenancy agreement that he can't break at the moment ?

It sounds to me like he doesn’t want to ‘commit’ and over 6 years of a casual relationship too…. Was this his choice or a mutual decision?

He risks being homeless if you split up so it's wise of him to hang on to his flat.

He may have had a bad experience in the past and his home may be a safety net he doesn’t want to give up.
Partner is not the same as married in terms of financial security.

Its not a problem if he paying his 50% of the costs where he is actually living at yours. But if he is expecting you to subsidise him then of course thats not ok and he needs to move back home.

I asked my partner to keep paying rent on his flat for the first year living with me as he had a good deal and if it didn’t work out with us living together I wanted him to have an escape route. However, you’ve had a much longer relationship and I can see why you’d want him to demonstrate commitment at this point by giving up his flat.

So you're paying his utilities, etc.? I think it would be better if he moved back to his flat, he's living off you right now and paying rent to someone else.

If he is not paying you rent because he is keeping on his flat he is being very unreasonable. Why should you be funding his decision to hedge his bets?

He wants to keep his own place in case things don't work out.

If he's paying you an equitable sum for bills and wear and tear and food and sharing the domestic work, what's the problem?

If he's not, then you need to send him back to his place.

You can't dictate he give up his place just because he's living with you and if he's pulling his weight. That's controlling.

Is it social housing? If so, he needs to free this up for someone else. If I knew someone who had a social housing property, and had moved out 8 months ago, I would 100% report them.

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Has he explained why he won’t give it up? This bit is missing.

Clearly wants an escape route? Not sure what other reason there would be really.

Are either of you on universal credit. Could be that he doesn't want to join claims.

He's not serious about you.

Sounds like he's not convinced that the relationship is going to last and that he's got somewhere to go back to.

You need to start sharing your bills and living costs. If he can't afford both you've got a problem. Either way he needs to commit, or not.

Women are always advised to keep any property they have. This should be no different

OK. My partner moved in with me after 2 years and gave up his rented flat (his ex wife still lived in the owned family home).

Prior to that, he had been in a 10 year relationship with a lovely woman he was very happy with. They lived together but he still had the flat.

I once asked him why he didn't give it up when he moved in with her. He basically said that it just didn't feel 'right'. I asked him why it had been so easy to give up his flat when we moved in together.

He said that it did feel right then.

So I'd also say that he's not sure about the longevity of the relationship.

That's a no then. Because he has to eat anyway.

I think just live separately, this makes no sense.

It's up to him whether he keeps on his own rented flat.

But I would expect half the cost of my rent, half the cost of my bills and half the food costs if he's living there.

If he can afford to keep another place empty after he has paid for this that is entirely up to him. If he can't afford to do this then he moves back to his own place.