Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner living with me but refusing to give up his rented flat

55 replies

Joloman74 · 01/05/2026 16:49

Need some advice please. Me and my partner have been in a relationship for 3 and a half years now but 10 and a half years altogether. It was casual for 6 and a half years. We also dated when we were teenagers but split up then reconnected years later. Anyway, he has been living with me for the last 8 months but will not give up his apartment which is rented and is paying rent every week which includes the bills whether he has used the facilities or not. I think it's a total waste of money but he won't give it up. Am I being unreasonable here or am I missing something because I just dont understand the logic? Any advice from you guys would be much appreciated x

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 01/05/2026 18:02

Joloman74 · 01/05/2026 16:51

He does give me money towards the food shopping x

Just send the mofo back home. Kmdt.😒

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 01/05/2026 18:04

UniquePinkSwan · 01/05/2026 17:40

Women are always advised to keep any property they have. This should be no different

This is not property, but a rental.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 01/05/2026 18:06

Joloman74 · 01/05/2026 16:51

He does give me money towards the food shopping x

But not the increased council tax and utilities? I bet that when he surrenders his rental, that won't change.

Endofyear · 01/05/2026 18:08

I'd tell him after 3 and a half years (or 10 years??) it's time to make up his mind - in or out? He's living in your property, not paying for any of the utilities and you're ok with that because he does a food shop?

maftaz · 01/05/2026 18:10

Any reason you couldn't move into his flat, rent out your own place and see what he might say to that!

BruFord · 01/05/2026 18:20

UniquePinkSwan · 01/05/2026 17:40

Women are always advised to keep any property they have. This should be no different

@UniquePinkSwan Keeping a property is fine if your partner isn't keeping you. He isn't contributing to the utilities that he's using, council tax, etc., the OP is covering everything except for part of the food shop.

boundarysponge · 01/05/2026 18:59

Is he subletting?

ChristAliveHelp · 01/05/2026 19:14

He’s keeping his options open, he doesn’t see your relationship lasting.

TFImBackIn · 01/05/2026 19:33

Joloman74 · 01/05/2026 16:51

He does give me money towards the food shopping x

You are basically paying this man to live with you.

twoshedsjackson · 02/05/2026 12:11

Contributing to the food shop should be for starters.
He should be considering the increase in utilities use, and the fact that you are no longer eligible for the single person discount on your council tax. I don't know what council you pay, but I know it makes a difference to my expenses, and you may get into hot water if they find out that you have not declared another person's presence.

WhatNextImScared · 02/05/2026 12:16

onlygeese · 01/05/2026 16:54

Is paying the increased council tax and a share of the utilities ? If he is then how he spends his spare money isn’t really an issue for you. I can see that waiting to see if house sharing works for you both is sensible for him.

Given that he refuses to give up his flat, I suspect the OP hasn’t declared him on the bills or the council tax register and tbh fair enough.

WhatNextImScared · 02/05/2026 12:17

UniquePinkSwan · 01/05/2026 17:40

Women are always advised to keep any property they have. This should be no different

No, he doesn’t rent it out - HE IS the tenant.

ChavsAreReal · 02/05/2026 12:25

Joloman74 · 01/05/2026 16:51

He does give me money towards the food shopping x

How much? Is it half the food shopping?

What about the other bills?

DaisyChain505 · 02/05/2026 12:26

He doesn’t want to give up his flat because he isn’t sure if he wants to see this relationship through.

cloudtreecarpet · 02/05/2026 12:27

DaisyChain505 · 02/05/2026 12:26

He doesn’t want to give up his flat because he isn’t sure if he wants to see this relationship through.

This, surely

beadystar · 02/05/2026 12:48

Viviennemary · 01/05/2026 17:13

He risks being homeless if you split up so it's wise of him to hang on to his flat.

This. It’s not easy to find a rental nowadays. Isn’t it obvious?

SixLeggedSugarBug · 02/05/2026 13:41

As long as he is paying his way at yours I would see this as a good thing, he is keeping his options open incase it doesn’t work out, it gives you some protection too as you won’t feel any obligation to let him stay if you decide you don’t enjoy living together.

jay55 · 02/05/2026 14:31

Where would he take his other women if he didn’t have the flat? I mean that’s the reason to keep it isn’t it?

BruFord · 02/05/2026 21:19

Honestly, given that you're paying all the bills except for a portion of the food shop, I think it makes more sense for him to move back to his flat. Why pay for everything when you can still have a relationship?

winter8090 · 02/05/2026 21:31

Why was it casual for 6.5 years? It strikes me as if something isn’t quite right.
what does he say if you ask him how the future looks?

UpDownAllAround1 · 02/05/2026 23:36

Refusing….why?

GrandmasCat · 03/05/2026 11:11

Paying a bit towards the food is not enough as he is surely increasing your bills, council tax and wear and tear of the house. Repairs and replacement of damaged, worn stuff is often ignored but adds to the costs.

I bet that being your house you then do most of the cleaning, cooking and carrying of the mental load so paying a bit towards the food is not helping, it’s massively disadvantaging you.

Keeping a rented place that he doesn’t use screams to me that he is keeping his options open. I don’t blame him for that, I have done the same in the past when I was not sure I wanted to join forces with someone, but take this as a clear warning not to start playing the role of a supportive and accommodating wife when he is not keen in reciprocating in efforts and commitment. You are just getting more work and more expenses in exchange of getting an expensive companion who uses your time and resources without given in the same measure.

I would feel tempted to let go of convincing him to leave the flat as it is unlikely the money saved would benefit you as a couple anyway (he would be helping more with the expenses already if he was that kind of person) but mostly, because it will make it easier for you to kick him out when you get tired of being taken advantage of.

Sorry op, but if the above applies, it seems to me you have got a cocklodger there… they do not need to be unemployed, just unfair.

nochance17 · 03/05/2026 11:20

Why does a man in a committed relationship need an empty flat ? Unless he’s keeping his options open. He would have to eat wherever he is so paying towards your food shopping doesn’t count. He needs to pay towards your bills and council tax. You say he is paying for his flat ‘whether he uses it or not’ so does he sometimes still use it and spend time there without you, can you trust him ? Does he still see your relationship as casual ? Have you asked him. However there’s nothing wrong with him wanting to see how things go if that’s what he’s doing.

BuckChuckets · 03/05/2026 13:17

So he's living with you but not contributing? I'd be thankful he's still got his flat to go to, and making him move back into it!

Besidemyselfwithworry · 03/05/2026 13:23

Is he claiming benefits relating to the flat eg housing benefit or is it social housing and worried if it doesn’t work out with you then he’ll struggle to get social housing again or take time for the benefits to be put back in place?

or is he using it as a bolt hole to take other women back too

either way he’s not 100% committed I don’t think 🤔

Swipe left for the next trending thread