Struggling with heartbreak

[Justkeepmovingtoday]

I feel pathetic to still be so upset over the end of a relationship that was less than 6 months but I am really struggling. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom? He ended it 2 months ago and blamed me for essentially being too emotional. I don't really want to get into the details of that other than to say that I had a couple of moments of being teary but nothing extreme like sobbing or shouting.

He was quite intense, sending me lots of gushing messages early on, songs with lyrics about growing old together, talking about things like going on holiday with our kids and retirement plans within 3 months. for my part, I did feel quite anxious in the relationship and am now embarrassed about some of that eg feeling worried when there were changes in patterns like no goodnight message etc. I’m late 40s with very little dating experience except for my marriage which was unhappy.

I’ve always had poor self esteem having been raised by a very angry, volatile mother and cold father. I felt incapable of emotional intimacy for a long time and didn’t have a proper romantic relationship until my mid twenties (would my upbringing explain this?). I’ve always worried I was not worthy of love . Then this man came into my life and made me feel so wanted and chosen. Now it’s over I just feel filled with self-blame and have been ruminating daily about every little thing I said and did “wrong.” I’m really trying to fight this and use it as an opportunity for growth and to finally address the issues that I’ve carried all this time. I’m having therapy weekly, journaling and listening to lots of self help stuff like Brene Brown. But I’m still stuck in rumination and shame and self blame. I worry that I ruined something rare and great because i didn’t work on my issues sooner. The relationship brought up insecurities that I didn’t realise were still so strong.

This weekend I should have been going away with him on a planned trip. The urge to reach out to him is so strong (I have gone no contact since the break up). I know that would just make me look desperate.

How do I move on? How do I forgive myself for messing up? I worry this was my last chance at love as all I seem
to see on here is stories of how bleak the dating market is for women of my age. I feel so low about all of this.

I think you dodged a bullet. Delete his number so you can't be tempted to contact him.
Give yourself time.

You've done nothing wrong. He's not the right fit for you. Onwards and upwards. When it's right you will know it's right. He is out there!

I would place my focus on getting out there, trying new things and meeting a wide variety of people.

@SpryCatthank you for taking the time to reply. You’re right that he seemed focussed on rushing things without really getting to know me and not being open to discuss issues properly. And yes, do some reason I’ve been determined to take on all the blame, not helped by the fact that he blamed me. I’m going to try to practice some self compassion.

@SaraOnSaturdaythank you. I’m trying to tell myself that I did the best i could with the tools I had at the time. And you’re right, it probably is as simple as he just wasn’t the right fit. I don’t know how it feels when it’s right as I’ve never found that but I live in hope. X

It’s been said upthread but i’m going to say it again: a lovely guy would not have behaved the way this guy behaved. He wants to portray an image of himself as being a lovely guy and as part of that wants to make it your fault the relationship ended. Don’t buy into that. To most of us reading, it sounds like he lovebombed you and rushed you and your anxiety was obviously justified because - look what he’s done.

Start loving yourself and cutting yourself some slack. Do the work you need to do to feel better about yourself and about this.

As to how it feels when it’s right: it feels easy. It doesn’t induce panic or anxiety. It doesn’t feel forced and it doesn’t race along. It just flows.

@Dery, thank you for that. I appreciate your words. Unfortunately I’ve just seen a friend who told me she saw his profile last night on Bumble and it had hit me quite hard. I knew he would move on but I’m still so sad and he is already back out there and it just hurts. Said friend also said how dire the apps are and how she thinks she will be alone forever and it’s just brought me down.

He is getting ready to hook somebody in and treat them the same way as you he did to you. He isn’t really looking for love or a relationship, he is looking for the next woman to love bomb and leave …

I really don’t think he wants to leave people. He wants a long term relationship… just not with me. I feel ridiculous but knowing he is in the app has made me feel so much better worse. I knew he would move on but this clear confirmation has just really hurt. I am resisting the urge to reach out. Bloody pathetic aren’t I.

This bad stage you're in will eventually pass, but only if you do things right. Tell your friends you no longer want to hear about if they see him out with another woman or see him on dating apps. Delete his photos and old texts, etc.

He doesn't know how to act like a healthy partner, shown clearly by him jumping straight back into the dating pool without some downtime after a half-year relationship. Perhaps he wants longterm, but if he bails whenever it gets serious and he's incapable of meeting a woman's reasonable wants, he will continue the same pattern of sabotage. But that's really no longer your concern. He didn't care enough to fix problems, which bears no significance on your value. He's dumb and tossed a winning lottery ticket. He freed you to actually be able to find the keeper. Good luck in healing and moving on.

@Justkeepmovingtoday - these experiences are very painful but remember - this guy is all talk. You’re just looking at what he says, not what he does. He says he wants a long-term relationship. He told you he was falling in love with you. He lovebombed you. Then just as you start to relax into the relationship and show vulnerability, he breaks up with you and says it’s all your fault. That makes him wrong for you; it will probably make him wrong for lots of other women also. I’m guessing he likes the idea of a relationship more than the reality. Unfortunately, you have been - and probably plenty of other women are going to be - very bruised by his romantic antics.

Same age as you OP. These apps are full of men like this - I’ve met a few.

All I am seeing is a pattern … he will have played out the same scenes before and will continue. This is his modus operandi, hence him being on the apps so soon. No secure and emotionally intelligent man would act like this.

He’s triggered your nervous system and ramped up the anxiety because your body recognised he was wrong - your mind just hasn’t caught up yet.

The last guy I met like this … ramped up my anxiety and I acted out of character. I stopped replying to mine one day. Thought … if I don’t respond … I’ll never be waiting for him 😁

You’ve not lost a real person here.