Struggling with heartbreak

[Justkeepmovingtoday]

I feel pathetic to still be so upset over the end of a relationship that was less than 6 months but I am really struggling. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom? He ended it 2 months ago and blamed me for essentially being too emotional. I don't really want to get into the details of that other than to say that I had a couple of moments of being teary but nothing extreme like sobbing or shouting.

He was quite intense, sending me lots of gushing messages early on, songs with lyrics about growing old together, talking about things like going on holiday with our kids and retirement plans within 3 months. for my part, I did feel quite anxious in the relationship and am now embarrassed about some of that eg feeling worried when there were changes in patterns like no goodnight message etc. I’m late 40s with very little dating experience except for my marriage which was unhappy.

I’ve always had poor self esteem having been raised by a very angry, volatile mother and cold father. I felt incapable of emotional intimacy for a long time and didn’t have a proper romantic relationship until my mid twenties (would my upbringing explain this?). I’ve always worried I was not worthy of love . Then this man came into my life and made me feel so wanted and chosen. Now it’s over I just feel filled with self-blame and have been ruminating daily about every little thing I said and did “wrong.” I’m really trying to fight this and use it as an opportunity for growth and to finally address the issues that I’ve carried all this time. I’m having therapy weekly, journaling and listening to lots of self help stuff like Brene Brown. But I’m still stuck in rumination and shame and self blame. I worry that I ruined something rare and great because i didn’t work on my issues sooner. The relationship brought up insecurities that I didn’t realise were still so strong.

This weekend I should have been going away with him on a planned trip. The urge to reach out to him is so strong (I have gone no contact since the break up). I know that would just make me look desperate.

How do I move on? How do I forgive myself for messing up? I worry this was my last chance at love as all I seem
to see on here is stories of how bleak the dating market is for women of my age. I feel so low about all of this.

You must forgive yourself. I’ve got typical ‘dad issues’ so can sometimes get a bit emotional in relationships as I worry about abandonment and rejection. I have low self esteem as well and probably a feeling that I’m not worthy of a man’s love.
Your ex has sent very strong signals early on and now has backed away which I think is love bombing. He wanted to hook you but obviously can’t handle you now you’re hooked.
A decent man would understand your past if you explain and be kind. Don’t get in touch with him, he’s a twat and you deserve better.
have you looked into therapy? I need fuck loads of it! Take care

Be kind to yourself.

There wasn't a great thread maybe a year or two ago about women of your age (I am older now) falling really hard usually after a long relationship or marriage.

I think you're doing good work to process it. Yes, of course your experiences with your family effect how you are in a relationship.

It sounds like he love bombed you then withdrew. This triggered some attachment issue for you and you felt anxious because of it.

You haven't done anything wrong. He just wasn't the right one for you.

The Attached book is good.

Also, remember this will pass. You'll be ok.

@Gretafamilythank you. I’m sorry you have also struggled with poor self-esteem. Yes I am having weekly therapy but it’s a slow process .

@HereAgainFFSi have that book. Yes he was intense…. he wasn’t a manipulative love bomber but just very over eager.

Im trying to understand why I was so painfully shy of men and relationships as a teen and young woman. I recall feeling like loving relationships were for other people. But my ex had an abusive parent and he was able to have normal dating experiences as a teen. So why would my childhood make me feel so closed off to emotional intimacy? I feel like there is something wrong with me.

I just feel really alone. I have my kids and a couple of friends (not lived in this area long) but no wider family that I am in touch with.

Go away this weekend somewhere, I use to go away a lot in my own, loved it, still do on occasion but met my partner on one of my trips. Mainly UK but odd European one.

Don't sit at home, the last trip I went on a few weeks ago I ended up chatting to another woman who was in her own and we had lunch together it was so nice, she was escaping her young adult children who were driving her mad.

@Villanellesproudmumyes I will try to stay busy this weekend. I know reaching out to him would be a mistake.

This is my first real feeling of heartbreak. I wasn’t the is upset at the end of my marriage as it had run its course. I just want all these crappy feelings to stop. I worry I’m not capable of a healthy relationship and this man put all the blame on me so that has compounded this feeling.

.

I’m sure you’re capable of a healthy relationship sounds like you need to work on yourself.

I had an abusive mother, violent and verbally horrendous and a passive father, social services etc etc

I went the opposite desperate for male attention when young, then spent over a decade on my own with my daughter and levelled out I guess and in a happy relationship now.

I needed that time.

Also he wasn’t the right person for you.

Don’t compare what your ex says about their past experiences to your actual lived experience.

Tbh, OP, this guy sounds like a bit of a bastard. He lovebombed you in a very over the top way and then blamed you for showing vulnerability. That’s on him, not on you.

It sounds like you’re (unsurprisingly) moving and feeling a lot from your wounded child persona. You need to be the loving parent that wounded child didn’t have. A dear friend of mine whose parents were problematic swears by family constellation work - you might find that worth a look. Spoil yourself. Are there any particular things you would really like to do this weekend? Places you would like to visit? Activities you would like to do? Food you’d like to eat? Plan yourself some treats. Love and value yourself.

It sounds as though you're way to fragile and have too much going on emotionally, to be dating at the moment.

Continue the therapy and see how that goes before dating again.

Put yourself first, you can't rush becoming emotionally and mentally well.

I am trying to understand why I was so scared of relationships when younger really. I always thought I was just weird.

Sorry to hear you had difficult parents too. Glad you found happiness.

Thank you. He did tell me he was falling for me after 7 weeks or so. That certainly raised the emotional stakes. I think I managed to make him feel criticised and not good enough. At least that’s what he told me. So I just feel like I drove him away and can’t forgive myself.

I’m definitely not ready to date right now. Trouble is, the longer I wait, the older I am. I worry I will struggle to meet anyone after all the threads in here about the dearth of eligible men of my age.

He sounds like my ex at the start and in the end I realised I had a lucky escape and you will realise that too in time. Work on yourself and heal before you meet someone else x

Thanks. I really don’t think he was a bad person. He had some lovely qualities. Feels like I have so much work to do before I can date again.

But it's ok if you get older while working on yourself. What's the alternative? More heartbreak and unsuitable relationships and more attempts at healing.

I am still single. I got an illness now which means dating is not something I feel I can do or even want..I'm much more content than I was though..I feel peaceful. It feels like I am doing what I need to do for myself right now. It's much better than risking my wellbeing for a hypothetical relationship.

My illness has taught me that sometimes acceptance is healthy. It's not the same as giving up. I'm just saying this is what I need right now.

What do you need @Justkeepmovingtoday ? Just a day at a time? Asking that question and sitting with yourself peacefully is a huge bit of self love (not a fan of that phrase but can't think of an alternative rn!).

@Justkeepmovingtoday - well, I was rather tricky for the first 6 months or so of my now 25+ year relationship with my DH because I was in a rather screwed-up place emotionally. DH weathered it. I've forgiven yourself.

Honestly, a man who is potentially in it for the long-haul won't be scared off by a few tears or a few intense conversations. Most people have some lovely qualities, including people who have actually quite bad personalities overall. Not saying he does - but you seem to have put him on a pedestal and you seem to see yourself as abased. You are putting all the right on his side and all the wrong on yours. Relationships aren't like that. Life isn't usually like that. Look - if you'd, say, cheated on him or deliberately driven your car over his foot or smashed up his house etc, then yes - it probably would be fair to say that it is 100% your fault that he ended it. But it's very clear nothing like that happened. Perhaps you were a bit critical on occasion. Perhaps you were a bit tearful. But he's not perfect either. None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes including big mistakes which cause us pain and discomfort. Everyone does.

You have lost perspective on the situation because you don't value yourself. Having parents incapcable of showing love can cause incredible emotional devastation which often involves feeling unworthy of love; after all, if the people who should love you unconditionally (your parents) don't manage it, it's natural that you should grow up feeling unlovable. But you are as lovable as everybody else. Your parents couldn't give you what you needed, but you can give it to yourself. You can be the loving parent to the wounded child inside you, and it starts by treating yourself as valuable - fake it till you make it if you have to, but it really does work.

Please do also check out family constellations work - I think it might be really helpful for you to start moving beyond these patterns. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-family-constellation-therapy-5217964 I've not done it myself but a close friend of mine swears by it.

Its not your fault. Please work on your self confidence. Have some counselling. Honestly untill you know your worth. You won't be happy in a relationship. Work on yourself. It helps hugely.

Once you gain some good distance from this relationship, you might gain more clarity and see things differently. I know that happened to me once when I was in a one year relationship totally wrong for me. When he broke up with me, I spent weeks begging him to reconcile. But then after going no contact (back then my phone didn't have the ability to block) he reached out to me 5 months later and there was no way in hell I'd take him back.

It's always good to be self-aware and if you actually made mistakes to learn from them. Such as if you're carrying emotional baggage and are jealous when there is no reason to be, etc. because you shiver in fear he could be cheating just because your ex did, as an example.

But because of your poor self-worth, you might have put on blinders to any red flags he displayed. If you were teary because he was regressing in the relationship versus progressing, and you asked for more effort from him but he blamed you for being needy or whatever, then there is something majorly wrong with him, not you.

Anyway, it took me about 4 months to stop thinking daily of an ex after going no contact, so maybe it will be the same for you. Keep your worries at bay about finding anyone decent in the future. Since your goal is to have a lifetime companion, when you're ready to date again, put in the effort. What other choice do you have except do nothing because you assume it's pointless.

I do recommend more than one way to find a keeper. Spread your net wide with OLD, Meetup.com groups, volunteer work in a zoo or museum or theater group, lessons in dance, cooking, art. I met my 2nd husband at age 47 and the process was not easy. Took as much effort as a part-time job, but I was determined. Be resilient and good luck.

You could be me. I had this situation. A rebound always feels bloody intense!
You will get over it, it is horrible, but take it moment by moment and you absolutely will get there.

And for goodness sake (meant as kind exasperation!), you are about 15 years younger than me, and believe me, if you stay sociable you will have no problems with opportunities for male attention. You need to go to places to meet people though - things you enjoy like singing or dancing or... hot air ballooning nude? The world is your mollusc!