Struggling with heartbreak

[Justkeepmovingtoday]

I feel pathetic to still be so upset over the end of a relationship that was less than 6 months but I am really struggling. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom? He ended it 2 months ago and blamed me for essentially being too emotional. I don't really want to get into the details of that other than to say that I had a couple of moments of being teary but nothing extreme like sobbing or shouting.

He was quite intense, sending me lots of gushing messages early on, songs with lyrics about growing old together, talking about things like going on holiday with our kids and retirement plans within 3 months. for my part, I did feel quite anxious in the relationship and am now embarrassed about some of that eg feeling worried when there were changes in patterns like no goodnight message etc. I’m late 40s with very little dating experience except for my marriage which was unhappy.

I’ve always had poor self esteem having been raised by a very angry, volatile mother and cold father. I felt incapable of emotional intimacy for a long time and didn’t have a proper romantic relationship until my mid twenties (would my upbringing explain this?). I’ve always worried I was not worthy of love . Then this man came into my life and made me feel so wanted and chosen. Now it’s over I just feel filled with self-blame and have been ruminating daily about every little thing I said and did “wrong.” I’m really trying to fight this and use it as an opportunity for growth and to finally address the issues that I’ve carried all this time. I’m having therapy weekly, journaling and listening to lots of self help stuff like Brene Brown. But I’m still stuck in rumination and shame and self blame. I worry that I ruined something rare and great because i didn’t work on my issues sooner. The relationship brought up insecurities that I didn’t realise were still so strong.

This weekend I should have been going away with him on a planned trip. The urge to reach out to him is so strong (I have gone no contact since the break up). I know that would just make me look desperate.

How do I move on? How do I forgive myself for messing up? I worry this was my last chance at love as all I seem
to see on here is stories of how bleak the dating market is for women of my age. I feel so low about all of this.

@HereAgainFFSthank you for your wise and kind words. I’m sorry you are dealing with illness. As you say, acceptance is key.

@Deryyour post really touched me. Thank you. I’m glad you found a good man to weather the early storm. I’m definitely going to look into the constellation stuff. You’re right, he wasn’t perfect either but was more than happy to heap blame on me having just dumped me. I know I didn’t do anything more than express some emotion in a mostly contained way and try to discuss a few unmet needs. It was met with shut down and defensiveness so we were not compatible. I’m primed to blame myself for things due to childhood and I really want to work on that .

@ScorpionLioness79thank you. I’m definitely trying to use this as an opportunity for growth. May I ask, when you started to determinedly look for your life partner, how long did it take to and how did you know you had found him?

@beeeeeeezyour post made me smile. Yes, sometimes the short, intense relationships are the harder ones to get over. I’m glad you don’t think I’m over the hill.

You are what you give out. You also met someone who clearly liked you but showed himself to be quite shallow; therefore, there for a good time, not a long time. Move on, don't dwell, and don't blame yourself.

Everyone has some flaw or fear; that's what makes us human, but it doesn't define us. There's someone out there worthy of you, so get back out there and find them. 😁

You were love bombed by your ex which made you anxious as he was intentionally rushing you so you didn’t have time to think. He then future faked you to seem like he saw his future was with you to get you to trust he was sincere and that’s when he backed right away. You felt insecure because deep down you knew something was off and any questions were brushed away by him and he made out you were being too emotional.
With these types of people there is nothing you could’ve done to keep the relationship because once they gain your trust they vanish. The person he made out he was, the feelings and future he spoke of was just fake, a mirage.
He will carry on treating all woman he gets involved with in the future.
So please don’t blame yourself for his deliberate behaviour.

@Justkeepmovingtoday - one of the most liberating discoveries i have made as i have got older (awareness of this started in my 40s, am now 56) is that not everything involving me that goes wrong is my fault. And often, it’s no-one’s fault. It’s just life. And i had loving parents who got a great deal right. Sadly, you learnt to take blame and find fault in yourself as you were growing up. I really want to give that young child a big hug and tell her how wonderful and lovable she is. You can do that. Because you are. Really glad to hear you’re going to look into family constellation work.

Everyone's experience is different with a different timeline in how long it takes to find a keeper. When my first marriage ended, it was a 2 and a half year period of dating until meeting my 2nd husband. During that time, I went on dates with about 30 men, most not going on to a 2nd meet. Because of course sometimes he doesn't feel the chemistry, sometimes you don't, sometimes both don't, and even if both have chemistry, after a brief stint of dating, you find personalities or life/dating goals clash. It's why you have to keep on getting out into the world quite a bit because it's rarer to have all the major must-haves present without any dealbreakers.

I actually think it's wise to list all your must-haves and all your dealbreakers and stick to them while vetting a new man.

My husband was a keeper because he made equal effort in planning dates and communication was always daily. And that continued beyond the honeymoon period. He clearly wanted to get to know me as a person, not just to be intimate as the sole goal. After a few months when he spent the night, I woke up ill and he offered to stay home from work to care for me. He'd drop everything to come to my aid if I had a flat tire. He always been up for most outings, with some exceptions like going to musicals. I do that with my grown daughter or friends since a man can't meet everyone of your wants. Just like he doesn't like to read and I love to, so I have book discussions with other I know who are into reading, But those are not must-have things for a spouse. You have to have other social outlets besides spending time with a SO.

Anyway, I wish you well in your journey of healing and moving on.

He talked the talk but didn’t walk the walk. If he had been truly committed to being in a relationship with you he would have discussed any issues he felt were creeping in, before going straight to the dumping button. Words are cheap.He sounds immature, and even if you can’t see it right now, manipulative.

I met my amazing DP in my late forties and we have had ten lovely years together - I hadn’t been looking for love, after two failed relationships and childhood abuse, but met him walking my dog and we became best friends and then more. Even at the start he never left me feeling anxious about us, he didn’t future fake he just showed up in small and large ways and showed me how deeply he cared and that he truly saw me. I did the same for him. A good relationship feels calming, steady.

I really would kindly suggest you put this situation behind you, consider it simply a part of the tapestry of your life, and work on building a relationship with the little girl inside you who was crying out for connection - when we grow up with unmotherly mothers it leaves a forever imprint and you deserve to acknowledge this…you are NOT a failure, you are NOT unloveable, you are simply human, and at least you try, at least you are open and generous. Start holding your head up high, and build on your relationship with yourself…at the end of the day, it’s the most important one you have.

Yoga with Adriene, Yoga for Comfort and Nourishment, is available on YouTube and may really help.

Thank you for such kind words again. I know not everything in the relationship was my fault but I definitely made mistakes. But I guess we all do. X

@ScorpionLioness79 he sounds lovely and I’m glad you’re happy.

@Heraldrythank you for such a thoughtful message. That really has helped.

This experience has definitely taught me that a key trait in a partner is the willingness to repair/discuss after conflict or issues. He would just shut down or get defensive. And there were definitely signs of immaturity from early on. But I also didn’t exhibit the best communication skills and was definitely overly anxious which I now really regret. These are things to work on. I just wish I had worked on them sooner but he probably still woulnt have been the man for me.

Thanks also for the yoga suggestions. I definitely want to start incorporating that into my day. X

Op. Most relationships don’t work out, and i. the beginning most are enthusiastic and keen, it’s full of hope and excitement on both sides. People always jump to buzz words like love bombing or gaslighting when it’s often far from the truth, it was just two people happy and excited.

And of course in his eyes he sees it as he couldn’t continue as it was not making him happy, and that’s ok, and of course it’s better if they say it’s them not you,. But it doesn’t mean it was your fault, simply these are the issues he didn’t wish in a relationship and the rest wasn’t strong enough for him to over look them. His view is just that. Your job is not to change yourself.

this guy wasn’t your last chance at love, you’re just hyper focused on him. However I’d give some thought to why were you teary for a couple of months, that’s a big part of the relationship, a third of it. And you say anxious if you saw a change in behaviour, were the tears related to this?

it sounds like maybe it all got too much for you,and instead of just enjoying the early stages, you became anxious and needy, and that’s not healthy for either of you. So I’d focus on how to relax in a relationship when you meet someone. Take your time, not become anxious or needy, to reliant. And you can then assess correctly and be happier.

It was a form of love bombing but I don’t think it was intentionally manipulative. I think he just wanted to rush into the security of a relationship quickly. He seemed to be serious about a future in some ways eg booking a weekend away and a holiday and telling his kids about me. But still I felt anxious. Maybe because it was too much too soon. Maybe because he didn’t seem to show much interest in fully getting to know me eg in would refer to something in my past like living abroad and be sooo ask zero questions about it. Perhaps things like that explain my anxiety and it’s not just that I’m horribly anxious in relationships anyway.

It was two or three occasions of tears, not two months.

I agree it wasn’t text book love bombing out of a sense to manipulate but I do think declaring love after 7 weeks/5 ish dates is quite full on. Also taking about retirement within the first 3 months.

I don’t think you did mess up. Showing emotion a couple of times in six months isn’t excessive. He doesn’t want someone who shows their emotions so he moved on. Hopefully he will find the cold fish he is looking for. Although he will probably find someone like that doesn’t suit him if he does actually want a loving relationship.

It’s good you have returned to therapy, stick with it. I know from experience ruminating becomes exhausting while at the same time causes dreadful anxiety. Ask your therapist for some techniques to stop doing it. I think one is to pause and take stock of all your senses. What you see, hear etc.

Ok. If it’s onky 2 times of course that’s not much, when he declared love and retirement, which I understand you have an issue with, how did you react, did you tell him it was not acceptable and weird? Or did you go with it, if the former, then strong boundaries, if the latter you’re taking issue with for something you also did,

@Charlenedickensi initially said I don’t like to rush into things that quickly. He seemed disappointed. Then soon after I also said I was falling for him as I got swept up in it and maybe felt some pressure to reassure him.

Maybe I dont know what normal is. He didn’t explicitly say that we would retire together but he did say things like I could help him spend his pension, our retirement ages would match up etc. And went on about how perfectly compatible we were before really getting to know me. And sent links to songs with lyrics about growing old together. Does this not seem quite full on? This was all in the first 10 weeks .

Keep your chin up.
sent you a dm if you want to talk x

My ex was similar. If it's any consolation, it wasn't intentionally misleading on his part. I think he genuinely fell for me and meant it in the moment.

In our first few weeks, we would talk for hours and he was full of how kind I was, how intelligent...blah blah blah. He did mean it but it was a lot. By the time I caught up and fell for him, he backed off. Classic.

The very last day we spent together as a couple, he said he loved me and was as affectionate as ever. But then lockdown and he withdrew. It was the perfect excuse for him...I felt he ran the clock out and then the government did his dirty work for him!

Only you know if he was malicious or he was genuinely feeling that at the time, I’d assume he was just happy and excited. It’s not unusual.

but maybe it feels better for you to think he was lovebombing and you only behaved as you did due to pressure. It’s a way of making him the problem.

if I’m honest, I suspect you both liked each other to start, it just didn’t have legs for him.

@HereAgainFFSthat must have felt awful for you. I think my man also genuinely felt he loved me.

@Charlenedickensno I’ve never thought he was malicious at all. And I absolutely fell for him too.

What makes me so sad is this horrible worry that my anxiety in the relationship ruined what could otherwise have been great. Logically I knew there were some valid concerns for me such as his conflict resolution style, emotional attunement and sexual compatibility. But I also know that there are things I wish I had said or done differently. Because there was lots of good there too. I struggle with how to forgive myself for this stuff and move past this awful feeling of regret.