Is my marriage over?!

[Tiggiwinklescousin]

Long story short, DH and I have been together just under 2.5yrs. Married just over 2 years (yes, we married stupidly quickly). I'm 50, he's 56. I'm unhappy in the relationship - feel very unloved, unappreciated and generally pretty used thb. I fear, where he's concerned, I may have 'mug' written on my forehead.

He doesn't work (receives a tiny pension) so I carry the household financial responsibility, we have (quite literally) never had sex (holding hands is the extent of intimacy), he has never once complimented me, doesn't tell me he loves me, I carry all the mental load for making life work etc. In fairness, he does make me coffee, a sandwich at lunchtime and loads the dishwasher. He's a very reasonable flatmate.

I flagged to him (during a sensible, fair and mature conversation) that I was fairly unhappy with how things were between us as a couple a few months ago. Told him how I felt things were very unbalanced, lots of unmet needs. He said he understood, wanted things to be better and would step up.

A fortnight ago was our 2nd wedding anniversary. I bought him a small gift and a card. I got absolutely nothing. Not even a folded bit of A4 grabbed from the printer with some scrawl on it. We discussed it and he said he "didn't have a lot of experience with relationships" and would try, again, to step up. I suggested the possibility of some kind of counselling/therapy for either us together or separately. He was non-commital (as in if I sorted it all, he'd tag along)

Tonight, whilst sat relaxing in the garden, I asked him for a bit of a check-in as to how he feels we're doing. After a bit of conversation there was this:

Me: Why did you even marry me?
DH: I wanted a companion, someone good and intelligent and kind who would love me like noone else had before.
Me: You should have just got a dog.
DH: Nah, I don't like picking up dog shit.
Me: Well, okaaaaaaaaaay

I mean wtf?! Surely if you ask your husband why he married you, it's not completely batshit crazy to expect something vaguely nice and none practical/logistical, perhaps even something along the lines of 'I loved you' to feature?!!

There then followed a prolonged period of silence. After about half an hour he bluntly asked "do you want me to start moving out tomorrow?". I replied "do you think that's the fair and reasonable thing to do?". No reply from him. Just more silence staring at the floor.

Dear God's. How is this my life?!

I've now come inside and he's still sat in the garden. I don't know what the hell to think. Is this it?
Marriage over? He doesn't love me does he?

He's clearly prepared to do this. I'd take him up on it.

He doesn't want to have a dog for company because he doesn't want to pick up its shit but he wants you to metaphorically pick up his shit. You're HIS dog.

I say this as someone who is diagnosed as autistic. Leave. Someone else’s ND diagnosed or undiagnosed is not a consideration here.

File for an annulment today.

I mean it was clear what you were getting into from the start wasn't it?

Just cut your losses and learn the lesson.

Crazy post.

Well one does have to wonder why you married this man

Why marry someone you’ve never had sex with

OP, get an annulment.

He loves you as much as he’s able to love anyone, and in his own very narrow way, which isn’t what most NT people want from a relationship. It’s not a reflection on you, it’s all he’s capable of.

The whirlwind romance (masking as hard as they can for as long as they can sustain it - which isn’t long) and pushing for a rapid progression to cohabitation / marriage is a classic autistic-man-looking-for-a-caregiver pattern. As is the no sex, no affection, knee-jerk aversion to birthdays anniversaries or special occasions, extreme discomfort with expression of emotion and extremely low social curiosity (e.g. finds it a painful waste of time to have to listen to other people talk about their experiences, opinions, feelings, friendships or anything else that isn’t a set of hard objective data or a skill to be mastered).

He would do well to find an older woman with a surfeit of maternal / caretaking impulses to be his live-in companion. This is not who you are or want to be.

Once you’re free, spend some time looking into why you settled for this.

Most of us had childhoods of fairly extreme emotional neglect, with parents who were highly emotionally unstable through PD or ND or both.

In relationships we are taken in by the initial masking - sure, it feels weird to be pursued with such straightforward and methodical enthusiasm, but the fact that the pursuit is not particularly romantic or passionate reassures us we’re not being love-bombed. And we think maybe this is just what it feels like to be loved - kind of like being benignly but intensely studied. It doesn’t feel manipulative or emotionally volatile (which are things we are keen not to repeat from childhood), and that’s the main thing. We don’t have a lot of first-hand experience of people expressing love, so we accept we’re figuring it out as we go along and some of it will feel an bit odd.

And then when our husbands have completed the project of getting a wife, and the switch flips, and they stop interacting more or less at all and immerse themselves completely in whatever the new project is, we’re back on relationally familiar ground again, treated with total indifference bordering on disdain, as though we might as well not be there at all - which is how we felt growing up. And this is why we settle - because it feels like this is where we will inevitably end up and there’s no point trying to find anything different.

Yes, it does sound like it’s over and also sounds like you’d be happier without him. You say he’s a good flatmate but you could get an actual flatmate who would pay half of bills at least! And/or a FWB who you’d get some sex/affection from.

Id see a solicitor right now as I believe it could constitute a short marriage (relationship proper to marriage plus marriage = under 3 years) which may have financial implications. Or try for an annulment on the basis of non-consummation as a PP suggested.

He is incapable of intimacy of any kind but wants someone to look after him financially and a caregiver.

"is my marriage over" Honey it never even started. I hope he moves out today, you need to spend your life with someone that loves you or live alone in peace and contentment.

They do say no one falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live.

OP your self esteem must be through the floor to have gone along with this, or so desperate for a man you initially care about it being the right man.

Get the annulment. Then get therapy before you even consider dating. You should not be considering moving in with someone 5 days after you meet them. Can you articulate why you wanted everything so fast? Whose idea was it to move in together? Where was he living before?

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your advice. I'll reflect and take steps.

Can I ask, why on earth did you marry him without having sex?

Forget asking why he married you, have you got an answer as to why you married him?

You made some not so great choices. Time to make new ones. This wasn't a marriage. You are a nurse (in waiting) with a purse. Not sure what made you marry him.

Can't you answer the question that everyone's been asking?

Why did you marry someone you'd just met, who had no money, and you weren't having or planning to have sex with him?

Bloody hell, just live on your own!
❤️

Let's hope she hasn't got significant assets for him to go after! Hopefully it's possible to annul the marriage but I have no idea the legality of that after 2 years

Well. My first question is, have you ever had other relationships? Surely, you would feel that he is not into you that way, as an actual husband would be. And of course, it is fair to say that your marriage is not over, because it never even was a marriage. Maybe on paper, which is the worst of both worlds.

Now that you know how incompatible the two of you are, I think you know what the right thing to do is. It would've been a good idea to get to know the person before you jumped into a marriage, but can't change the past..

OP is a grandmother (info from another thread) so she's had relationships before.

He should have gone a long time ago. Come on op you're the same age as me and no way would I or alot of women marry so quickly, especially if I've never had sex with the guy. Kick him out before he bleeds you dry. At this stage of life you should be aware that you need to protect your future and assets. Why marry when you know he's entitled to half. Get rid and quickly before he bankrupts you and sit with all this and learn some lessons because it doesn't even sound like he's love bombed or future faked you. He's incapable so how have you got into this shit show?

OP @Tiggiwinklescousin I have read some of your previous threads and you seemed very happy to marry this guy and sang his praises.
Where you happy for there to be no intimacy from the off? Some people are okay with it fir a variety of reasons.
But what struck me from these words, and previous ones, is that he doesn’t see you at all. I think he paid you a compliment one time and it meant so much to you.
I know you’ve been married before and maybe you were vulnerable afterwards.
You speak about yourself as a good egg but you are very down on yourself sometimes, too, and it’s time, at 50, to put a stop to that.
This man clearly has zero relationship skills before you even think about the intimacy.
Put boldly, there was a bit of a spark of something and you’ve both rushed into something.
You deserve so much more.
Firstly, a husband who adores you.
But more importantly I think you need to be far kinder to yourself than you have been.
Get this marriage annulled and then pour all of your energy into yourself.
You sound like a really wonderful person.

If you haven't had sex can you not just annul this marriage?
I don't know if there's a timescale to annulment.