Is my marriage over?!

[Tiggiwinklescousin]

Long story short, DH and I have been together just under 2.5yrs. Married just over 2 years (yes, we married stupidly quickly). I'm 50, he's 56. I'm unhappy in the relationship - feel very unloved, unappreciated and generally pretty used thb. I fear, where he's concerned, I may have 'mug' written on my forehead.

He doesn't work (receives a tiny pension) so I carry the household financial responsibility, we have (quite literally) never had sex (holding hands is the extent of intimacy), he has never once complimented me, doesn't tell me he loves me, I carry all the mental load for making life work etc. In fairness, he does make me coffee, a sandwich at lunchtime and loads the dishwasher. He's a very reasonable flatmate.

I flagged to him (during a sensible, fair and mature conversation) that I was fairly unhappy with how things were between us as a couple a few months ago. Told him how I felt things were very unbalanced, lots of unmet needs. He said he understood, wanted things to be better and would step up.

A fortnight ago was our 2nd wedding anniversary. I bought him a small gift and a card. I got absolutely nothing. Not even a folded bit of A4 grabbed from the printer with some scrawl on it. We discussed it and he said he "didn't have a lot of experience with relationships" and would try, again, to step up. I suggested the possibility of some kind of counselling/therapy for either us together or separately. He was non-commital (as in if I sorted it all, he'd tag along)

Tonight, whilst sat relaxing in the garden, I asked him for a bit of a check-in as to how he feels we're doing. After a bit of conversation there was this:

Me: Why did you even marry me?
DH: I wanted a companion, someone good and intelligent and kind who would love me like noone else had before.
Me: You should have just got a dog.
DH: Nah, I don't like picking up dog shit.
Me: Well, okaaaaaaaaaay

I mean wtf?! Surely if you ask your husband why he married you, it's not completely batshit crazy to expect something vaguely nice and none practical/logistical, perhaps even something along the lines of 'I loved you' to feature?!!

There then followed a prolonged period of silence. After about half an hour he bluntly asked "do you want me to start moving out tomorrow?". I replied "do you think that's the fair and reasonable thing to do?". No reply from him. Just more silence staring at the floor.

Dear God's. How is this my life?!

I've now come inside and he's still sat in the garden. I don't know what the hell to think. Is this it?
Marriage over? He doesn't love me does he?

You can get an annulment. Just move on with your life, this is not a relationship.

I don’t really understand what you want from this thread.

You’re not happy, so leave.

Lifes too short.

My husband is autistic and behaves like this. That’s how I know.

You have married a cocklodger.

how did you end up getting married so quickly?

You have to consider financials here, would he be entitled to a share of the house or anything?

hopefully he will leave & allow you to divorce without trying to screw you over.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, you deserve better, I get the feeling you were sold a dream and not the flatmate situation he wanted

See a solicitor before you say or do anything else OP.

This is your life because you're allowing it to be your life. See a solicitor. Get the marriage annulled. Sort the finances. Create a new life for yourself.

And? That’s a sample size of…. 1 autistic person. We’re all different you know!

Does he suffer from ED? He was pretty blunt about just wanting a friend but that could have/should have been discussed prior to marriage, right?

Sorry you're going through what sounds like a very unique and awkward time, to say the least.

You're 50 and you still think you can marry someone first and then turn them into a completely different person to suit yourself? 😮

Oh dear, this sounds quite sad for both of you.

Why did you marry him? He clearly is not giving you what you want (and doesn’t sound like he ever has) but I don’t think it’s fair to put all the responsibility at his door for where you have found yourself. Presumably he thought everything was fine, give you married him?

The marriage is over and I dare say he will go on to try and find another dog substitute but it could be worthwhile you considering how you ended up in this situation. You sound emotionally intelligent and reasonable.

What on earth was the appeal here… girl raise your bar fgs.

He did say nice things about you though. And people marry for a variety of reasons when they are older including companionship. Maybe this was your reasoning initially but now you find it tricky. The question to ask is whether he’s a good man. If he is, then it’s fine. But he needs to be able to talk more affectionately to you. If you want intimacy then it won’t work so well.

What attracted you to a man with no money who never wants to have sex with you?

Why did you marry him? And why so soon after meeting him?

This is the question you need to answer. If you hang on to some version of him, that doesn't exist you will stay.

A short marriage is likely to mean a clean break without financial loss to you (other than costs of divorce..assuming he doesn't fight it) the longer you stay the higher the risk of financial loss, which will just compound your feelings of making a poor life decision.

I’ll ask again, why did you marry him?

Jesus just get divorced before he can come after your assets....

Absolutely NO clue why you married him

He sounds selfish
Theres no sex
Hes not nice to you
He is financially unstable

I suppose at your age there is expectation that you show some mature thinking and sense when marrying someone. It seems like the issues of no income and intimacy existed before marriage- so what were you expecting to happen?
And he is not a reasonable flatmate either because a flatmate would financially contribute to the rent, do their part of chores (which is more than loading the dishwasher). Get yourself out of this mess.

Is your marriage over? It never began. Get an annulment and forget the pointless flatmate.

Please get rid of him OP nobody deserves to be treated like a mug. You deserve so much better. Ive been treated like this too and it cuts so deep.

Jeeze. I’m in a group for spouses of autistic men and that’s the lived experience of 95% of the group. That’s why I spotted it and the OP literally agreed with me. So shush.

If this is true, this is one of the most miserable things i have read on here. Let him leave then sart divorce proceedings. This is no way to live!

You made a bad choice, OP. That doesn't mean you're stuck with it forever. He's not the man for you and doesn't want to be. He will never 'work at the relationship' or 'improve'. He's telling you what you want to hear to get off his back. If he actually meant it, his actual behaviour would change. Ask him to move out and get an annulment.

Don't berate yourself or feel you were a mug. Giving someone a chance, or taking a risk on a relationship doesn't make you a mug. Just choose better next time - and don't get married!

https://www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

I wanted a companion, someone good and intelligent and kind who would love me like noone else had before

His list of reasons says to me he's looking for a mum, not a partner - which could partly explain his lack on interest in sex.

It makes me feel sad for both of you. He's never felt loved, which maybe is why he doesn't understand that to receive, you have to give. But you have been loved and know what it should be like - which is even sadder.

Get out of there OP.

I can see from other threads that the OP met this man on a date on Boxing Day 2023, and they moved in together 5 days later!

This x 100