New romance but what are we? I’m reluctant to ask just yet .

[handballheathen]

We met at a bar as a divorced pair in our fifties.
We’ve seen each other each week for a date or two and / or an overnight.
We live 50 miles apart both with adult children, some living with us.
we both work and commute,have family commitments and hobbies and friend groups so we’re busy.
We get on great, he plans 80% of dates and there good . He is generous and extremely thoughtful with small gifts. He does majority of travelling to see me as I’m more committed with children.
We text, voice note or ring each day.
We have spoken loosely about the summer and have some plans up to and including two months time.
We have discussed early on that we are exclusive.
As you can guess ,I am inexperienced after divorce but donit want to find myself after six months being told that this is just a casual situation where we aren’t building towards anything.
Hes told me that all he wants is to adore and be adored.

He also has spoken of his feelings about his kids leaving home and essentially being alone in his home in a few years so my take on this is that he does want to be part of a relationship long term.
He would like me to meet family and friends but neither of us want our kids involved yet.

As it stands our dates are just us .. walking, hiking, meals out, hotel stays and. Swimming together.
we will go away for a weekend.. our first in a few weeks.

We have deep personal conversations about our past, our lives etc and are a supportive presence.

So what is your opinion on all of this ?
Does this look like casual to you or going the right direction.
Before you suggest asking him I’m not ready to do that yet, thanks .

I would just really enjoy myself! He sounds like a good guy. You'll pick up sooner or later if he doesn't want anything long term. He's probably just protecting himself at the moment.

I'm not sure about him wanting to be adored - that seems a bit unrealistic and something someone much much younger might say.

It sounds positive to me…..but the only people who can know are you and him.

What do you think is stopping you talking about it with him? What would be worse - to ask him and find out than not ask and then find out in a month or two that there isn’t any long term likelihood?

When we met first he said let’s we where this will go . As time has progressed , he speaks of we and we have plans and like me is only interested in being exclusive .

It all sounds good to me @handballheathen. You don’t mention sex but as long as you’re on the same page about that then everything seems to be moving in the right direction with no need to force the conversation.

Yes we are sexually intimate and that is very much mutual but there have been weekends where we’ve met for day time trips and haven’t stayed overnight with each other so it’s on average once a fortnight we sta together

Next step for me would be meeting adult children. Not sure why the mutual hesitancy

Sounds great. Carry on like this for a while and maybe after a year or so meet for dinner with your wider families/children

Sounds good to me too.
Let it evolve gently and don't put a label on it until one becomes obvious!

Our children do not need another person coming into their lives. They have varying levels of upset and trauma from their other parents behaviours and the related atmospheres,
historically I dont believe in blending and anyway this thing is about just us. For now .That’s one thing we feel strongly about and agreed upon at the moment

sounds good to me OP..How long have you been seeing each other?

There are no guarantees, OP, no matter what is said at the start and no matter what labels are applied. Ultimately, only time will tell whether this has legs. But it all sounds pretty promising and I think you would do best just to enjoy it and let this unfold as it will.

We met ten weeks ago

Given your children are all adults, I think you've passed the stage of blended families!

Have any of your friends met him? Have you met any of his friends? At some point it would be useful to know whether or not he gets on with your friends and family and how well you would fit into each other's lives, rather than keeping him completely separate.

We haven’t met each others friends but have met plenty of acquaintances along the way. We will be meeting extended family through an event in the next few weeks.

Sounds good so far , just seeing each other is how I’d put it.
The adore and be adored bit is a bit 🤨 for me.

Sorry I don’t t understand what you mean ? Like an ick ?

Yes, I also found that off. A bit stifling. Potentially suffocating/controlling. Go slowly, OP.

How long ago did he divorce, and what was the reason for the divorce?

It's way too early to be labeling. It's dating and enjoying time together and making plans to do some things together.

You're sounding anxious about this even though it sounds pretty healthy at this point.

I agree the I just want to adore and be adored bit is a bit cringe, but that's just my personal take and preference.

Is it just me who thinks there are some red flags there?

10 weeks? Things seem to have moved very quickly. Lots of gifts and the whole adored thing...?

People who are in it for casual, even if they lie and say their goal is longterm, will make their exit when the honeymoon period is ending, often after the 3 of 4 month mark. Because once the honeymoon stage ends, the relationship should be entering a deeper more serious stage. And that can't happen unless the person is making the sort of effort that requires.

I believe it'd be a bit premature at 10 weeks in to say something like: If things continue to go well, what would be your ideal in the timeline of taking it further by moving in together.

For now, things are going well and you're worrying too prematurely. You only know him in the honeymoon period. Hopefully he will remain the kind person with the same dating style as you, and that you will continue to enjoy each other's company. But it's best to have a wait-and-see attitude. You might find that when you learn more about him, that he doesn't match you in all your must-haves so why worry where this is going when you might want to be the one breaking up?

If it makes it to six months, maybe he'll start bringing up what his hopes for a future with you are. If he doesn't, then maybe you'll feel more comfortable with him to bring up those future topics that concern you. Even if you're not comfortable, for your own good, you need to make sure you're thinking along the same lines. Have fun and good luck!

Really??

Thank you. I have no intention ever of moving in with a man while
adult children are at home and he feels the same . In fact I do t think I ever want to live with a man again full stop. We both value our peace and lives outside of the relationship and it was hard won.
my exh was emotionally abusive and useless, his ex wife was a cocaine addict and still is so our lives dealing with our young adult children continue to be busy in terms of support .

Yes. A strange thing to say. Was he joking ?

No he wasn’t . That’s my own goal in life too. Neither of us has ever been adored.