New romance but what are we? I’m reluctant to ask just yet .

[handballheathen]

We met at a bar as a divorced pair in our fifties.
We’ve seen each other each week for a date or two and / or an overnight.
We live 50 miles apart both with adult children, some living with us.
we both work and commute,have family commitments and hobbies and friend groups so we’re busy.
We get on great, he plans 80% of dates and there good . He is generous and extremely thoughtful with small gifts. He does majority of travelling to see me as I’m more committed with children.
We text, voice note or ring each day.
We have spoken loosely about the summer and have some plans up to and including two months time.
We have discussed early on that we are exclusive.
As you can guess ,I am inexperienced after divorce but donit want to find myself after six months being told that this is just a casual situation where we aren’t building towards anything.
Hes told me that all he wants is to adore and be adored.

He also has spoken of his feelings about his kids leaving home and essentially being alone in his home in a few years so my take on this is that he does want to be part of a relationship long term.
He would like me to meet family and friends but neither of us want our kids involved yet.

As it stands our dates are just us .. walking, hiking, meals out, hotel stays and. Swimming together.
we will go away for a weekend.. our first in a few weeks.

We have deep personal conversations about our past, our lives etc and are a supportive presence.

So what is your opinion on all of this ?
Does this look like casual to you or going the right direction.
Before you suggest asking him I’m not ready to do that yet, thanks .

How did that conversation - about being adored - arise?

We were talking about how unlucky we both were to never have experienced real mutual romantic love

So you've identified being adored and adoring as mutual life goals less than 10 weeks after meeting someone. Someone who's showered you with gifts, but hasn't felt the need to introduce you to his friends?

Please go carefully OP.

Yes, sounds very much like lovebombing.

OP, a known strategy of toxic men is to rush relationships, push frequent/constant contact, quickly start talking about the future, listen closely to what the woman wants so that they can pretend they are all that - they do this to bypass normal boundaries, get into the woman's head, create strong limerence feelings, so she can't think straight. Then, when they've got the woman completely trusting and emotionally dependent on the good feelings, they can drop their mask and start plucking her. It can takes women decades to get out of such toxic situations.

OP, talking about adoration 2.5 months in is REALLY REALLY fast.

Slow down. Keep your wits about you.

Okay, well you've already talked and are on the same page about everything so far. So I don't understand your question of "What are we?" Aren't you two people who are dating to see if you're compatible for longterm or not? It's the vetting stage where each of you will gradually reveal who you are past the honeymoon stage. No crystal ball to reveal how things will pan out. You're in the highs of a new relationship and ache to think it will disappear in a poof. Just keep up with your friends and hobbies and your fulfilling life besides being in the dating world so that if a breakup happens, you will still have a joyful life otherwise.

I remarried in my 50’s. I am adored and adore my husband. It’s a great feeling. And a word that is under used! We have 6 adult children between us. They all met after about 6 months. Big part of our wedding. We bought a house together and my DS (21) lives with us. It’s worked out well for us. I knew v early on we’d stay together and we were bf/gf. But saw each other every few days and for the entire weekend. He owned his flat and I was renting after divorce. He’s just sold his bachelor pad.

What do you mean you don’t believe in blending?

I like to keep things completely separate while our adult kids live at home which they will be for years . Not for me , to move in together for that reason .

So what do you mean by buidling towards something, if you've already had the exclusivity chat?

Ok but if you did move in together you’d still be blending the family - it’s just that your kids would be living elsewhere. Doesnt mean it would be easier -or harder. I think this isn’t something you need to worry about after only 10 weeks

It sounds like maybe you feel a bit unsure of where/what you are (as a couple). That uncertainty might tell you something OP. I was seeing someone for 4 months who presented as pretty great and was the pursuer. I kept having this nagging feeling about where we were going and was it casual or not but really tried to be relaxed about it. He dropped me like a stone one day when I asked outright. I think my instinct was trying to tell me something.

I don’t feel unsure about his behaviour, I’m untrusting of my own instincts due to my experience. I think I’ll give it another month and then have the chat. I’m already getting from him that he’s intending on a long term partnership and his actions show me consistency, eagerness and effort but I’ve been so hurt in the past, Im
Naturally scared too. The landscape has changed so much since my dating days in the past!

I thought you were going to say 1 year - 18 months!

10 weeks = not even 3 months

all a bit heavy going and serious for such a short relationship.

whst would be your ideal situation, what are you actually wanting him to do, because he sounds like an ideal partner, albeit in the very very early stages.

I really liked the adored comment. I was surprised seeing others thinking it’s icky. But I’ve never felt adored and cherished and neither did my fella so we definitely give that to each other.

I think it’s going great OP. But why not chat to him and say that you want to build towards having a serious relationship, a person, love. A partner. Just one you don’t live with. I think it’s only fair on you and him that you lay that out on the table to see what he wants longer term. Are you in love? Falling in love? I was at 10 weeks. He was too fortunately. But if he hadn’t have been or been falling I would have ended it because if you aren’t heading that way then you are risking hurt down the line.

I agree. If you're worried that you might break the relationship by expressing yourself honestly (not being heavy or rushing in, just being real) then it isn't right anyway. Here is a good rule often quoted in the dating threads; Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with.

You have to take a lot with a pinch of salt on Mumsnet. Not everyone who is quick to express affection is a lovebomber.

I mean this gently but I think you need to calm down, it’s been 10 weeks you barely know him. He’s right just see how it goes. You can’t be asking if he sees this as long term and building to thay in 10 weeks.

two years is the honeymoon period. See how you feel after that.

Sounds good to me , no pressure no drama just enjoying what it is and each others company

@handballheathen bear in mind that everyone has a different mental model about how dating and getting together with someone has to work. And also remember you're at a different life stage to some. They may have experience of love bombing so it's reasonable that they express concern about the adoring bit at this early stage of your relationship.

only you know how sincere this man actually is. Do his words match his actions? Does he remain consistent ie by not saying he adores you one minute and then disappearing off with his mates on a trip to Thailand the next. See what I mean?

some people hit it off very quickly, they gravitate towards each other and things go fine no dramas, other people have fault lines in their relationship which tend to become apparent at around the 3-6 month mark when the honeymoon phase gives way to real life with family, kids bills and finance all that stuff.

my DH says soppy stuff to me all the time, I'd never admit to what he says on here though because people would take the p....

Yes, but if he IS a lovebomber who uses it to inveigle his way into OP's head and heart and get a grip on her, he could do a shocking amount of long-term damage to her emotionally, mentally, financially, and her relationships with others.

Read any romance scammer tale, or the stories of women falling in love with "my dream come true". They ALL start with fulsome expressions of passion and adoration and "can't live without you". And these guys are NOT rare.

10 weeks in is very fast. I would feel remiss to not warn OP to go slow and keep her eyes peeled, because of the serious harm that love scammers and predators can cause.

I don’t think he is. He appears to be just behaving like you would in any new relationship it’s the op that’s wanting more.

This is good advice. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is. In time you will discover if its something that could last. He doesn't sound like he's just stringing you along but you neither of you know how your feelings are going to pan out.

Gently, OP, and I get that you’re bruised, but there are no guarantees. You barely know one another after a weekly date or two for ten weeks. Even if he sees this as a longterm thing now, that might change in a month. And equally, you might realise it’s not working for you!

Hi OP, I think I’m in a similar boat to you, I’ve been seeing someone for a similar amount of time, we’re a little younger, in our 40s, and both have children from previous marriages. It’s just us for now, and it’s working nicely, I hope we will stay together and be in a committed relationship, and there have been some indications that he thinks the same, but I’m also very cautious about the idea of blending anything and I wonder how that’ll work out in the longer term. I’m trying just to let it unfold but sometimes it does play on my mind, it’s a sense of wanting it to work but worrying that it might not. I think it’s especially hard when you’ve been hurt before, you’ve put yourself back out there and found someone you’re developing feelings for in the knowledge the rug could be pulled any minute. I suppose that the risk we take if we don’t want to be single forever but it’s hard sometimes. Sometimes I’d like to fast forward to a place that’s more settled but it doesn’t work like that for anyone does it.

I’m also finding it very different to dating in my 20s when I was looking to get married and have children, none of those pressures are there now and it is really a case of are our lives better with one another in them, or not, for now they are, which is lovely and I’m trying to go with the flow and not overthink it which is hard for a chronic over thinker, especially when he is so laid back!

All sounds good, I’d just enjoy it and live in the moment rather than missing out on the present by worrying about the future. Nothing wrong with wanting be adored, we all want that to an extent don’t we?

I guess my only question for you is, if you don’t plan to live with a man again and value your peace (which I’m 💯 in agreement on) what’s driving this need to know what it all means? It sounds like an ideal set up, you’re only 10 weeks in, just see what happens.