Husband messaged sex workers and I do not know what to do

[Shocked3]

Found out DH messaged a prostitute/ casual meet up for sex. I am devastated. I checked his phone last night, something wasn't sitting right with me and found the messages. I totally lost it. He contacted prostitutes four years when I was on holiday with our children and swore blind that it was only out of curiosity.

We are both mid 40s, three teens and been together 27 years.

He has wanted more intimacy but my health has not been great and he works very long hours so I wasn't feeling connected to him.

My heart is racing, I'm awake all night. There's nobody I can talk to in real life as I'm embarrassed.

You do know what to do op. Drop the rope. He’s a cheater and has no respect for you. You deserve better.

I know. I just don't know how to function today.

So he has a pretty sordid history anyway?

No need to be embarrassed. Why be so when this is all entirely on him and his choices. It’s not you who is at fault here, the fault lies within him and his overarching sense of entitlement.

How did he react this time upon discovery?.

I would send him to his mother’s, you need time and space away from him now. I would also consider seeking legal advice for yourself at some point re divorce. Knowledge is power. Your kids and you deserve better frankly.

Deep breaths. Don’t make a knee jerk reaction. You need time to process this so no rush. Nobody’s going anywhere.

Take your time to “get your ducks in a row”
think hard about what you want the future to look like, then have a conversation with him. Cool, calm and collected.

Do this when the kids aren’t around.

After such a long marriage this could be a catalyst to start improving your life together in whatever form it takes OR maybe time to part company? Whatever you decide, his behavior is appalling and he needs a wake-up call.

Stupid man, risking everything. Men are such prats, ruled by their groins.

I'm embarrassed that I wasn't enough and he sought sex from someone else. The person he messaged also has a totally different body shape to mine. I've lost weight over the last few months and he kept saying don't lose anymore weight. I just feel disgusting that he was probably turned of by my body.

To be honest it was mayhem. I threw the phone at him and it hit his nose which caused it to bleed. He jumped up and punched me full force in the ear. My jaw and arm are really sore so I think he must have punched me again but I was in so much shock from the first punch I can't remember.

He said I don't show him any affection and that I don't want to be with him. Said he was never going to meet up with the person.

I’m so sorry. He will likely try to weasel his way out of it by suggesting it was just wank fodder and he’d never go through with it; but what are the chances that he’s only contacted sex workers on two occasions, and has been discovered both times?

I feel so alone. I don't have any close friends or family.

Why no close friends or family?

True. I literally had not checked his phone for the last four years so could have been up to anything.

Dad died when I was 20, no contact with my mother the last 5 years. I suffer with my mental health so I have become quite reclusive.

Are you safe now?.

You lashed out in anger but he’s assaulted you in return. I would go to the gp or a walk in centre and have your injuries looked at. Your hearing could also be affected so do not leave it. He should be arrested and there’s no way he should remain in this house now.

Should he really be surprised you do not show him affection given that he’s contacted prostitutes previously and said similar last time?.

Is he the primary carer for the children? Do you work?

I am safe. I am at home, he is in work. I'm going to ring my GP and get checked out.

No I have always been the primary carer. He is self employed and has always worked long hours. I work three days a week.

Change the locks, go to the GP about your injuries, and also arrange an STD test. Take as many practical steps as you can to make yourself and your children safe first and foremost.

It's not about you " not being enough" OP.
He is the type of man who sees women as objects to be bought.
Men who use sex workers are habitual users of sex workers. You caught him out in the past and you have caught him out now but it will have been an on going thing in his life
Given his violence to you please contact Women's aid or the Domestic Abuse Helpline.
This is about him and his adequacies, not you.

He's definitely cheated on you with sex workers, probably numerous times. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I think just blunt honesty is what you need to get out of there. Also - no good man punches his partner in the face. It's so so so over between you and you need to get away from him for your own safety. There is no saving this whatsoever.

This will never get better, he’ll just find a way to hide it better. And I don’t believe for a second that it was just curiosity.

You need to start building your own life, away from him. Look at getting back to work, start trying to develop frienships and support elsewhere.

Or else you’re going to be stuck in a miserable situation with this guy who doesn’t respect you.

OP you need to get yourself away from this man. Go and see you GP urgently and tell them everything. You need to have STI testing too. Please don't feel embarrassed, his behaviour is NOT a reflection on you in any way. He hasn't done this because you're not enough, he's driven by his own disgusting fetish for sex workers.

Thanks everyone. I rang my GP and I'm on the list for a cancellation today, if not the soonest appointment is Wednesday. My ear, jaw, cheek and arm are quite sore and I've a thumping headache. Trying to find the motivation to get out of bed and clean the house. The kids didn't go to school today so they are all in bed too. Stomach is in knots. On the outside it looks like we have it all, lovely home a small rental property, holidays, money, just bought a new car but it's all a sham.

He doesnt love me and that's hard to accept because I've been rejected a lot throughout my life.

Are there any walk in clinics near you? Thumping headache after being hit i'd be worried about potential head injury that needs treatment.

No walk in clinics unfortunately. My ear feels blocked and it's making me talk funny. I've also a lump on my upper arm so yeah he definitely punched me when I was dazed from the head punch.

He has been leaving voice messages saying he is glad it happened because he is not happy and doesn't want to be with me. He actually messaged two people. One was a prostitute and he got her pricelist. The other one I actually found on the site he was using. She's 42, single, lives alone and is looking for a single guy the same age to have a relationship with.

Seek some professional support

This is nothing to do with your body. It is everything to do with his choices, and behaviour. I hope you get the support you need to leave him and get some peace.

He hasn't just been contacting sex workers, on the occasions you've caught him....you know this. See your GP asap or walk in centre about your injuries, and get an STD check as soon as possible for full screening.