Am I paying for too much in my relationship? And for couples how do you pay bills? And is this relationship abusive?

[Username20221]

Me and my GF have been together for nearly 3 years, we have been living together for over a year but at times I feel like im paying for nearly everything. My girlfriend works around 25 hours a week while I work 45-50 hours a week, she gets paid monthly and brings home around £1,300 a month but when it comes to bills/payments I pay for the monthly mortgage (which is 780 a month), I pay for building insurance, both of our life insurances and we also take turns buying shopping. I also pay the rates and most of the time pay for things like oil or appliences like tumble dryers or washing machines.

I also paid the whole deposit for the house (which was 12,500) and other things like solicitor fees.

My GF only pays for the BT, electric and her own car insurances or car finance but then there has been months where she has been skint (because she wanted to go on holidays) and then I've had to pay for everything for like 2 weeks until she gets paid again including giving her money for fuel.

She is 26 and im 27, we plan on having kids but then I just dont think her money management skills are good. I also help out with chours around the house but then she'll moan about having to wash towels saying that "she does everything" even tho I cut the grass, do dishes, wash my own clothes, would sometimes cook dinner, mop the floors etc. She will go mad if I leave a cup instead of just quickly washing it, she has left things at her ass before and instead of complaining I would just quickly clean it.

She also makes jokes like "I'll get another man" which I mostly ignore but then when I said to her "Well I'll get another woman" she would say "but how would you cause you said you struggled getting women before me". Then she'll say "im only joking" but then at times I think she isnt.

If you don’t have children, why is she only working part time?

Get rid, she is taking the piss! Find a good and respectful partner. You deserve better!

Write a list of who pays for what. All the shared costs should be on that list (TV, subscriptions, gas/elec, poll tax, internet, etc.). Total it. Figure out who has actually paid for what, and then calculate the percentages that both of you have paid of the monthly total. Secondly agree what is a fair split - you could split it 50/50, or according to income - whatever you agree is fair. Then balance it up at the end of the month, e.g. if you have paid 60% of the total but you've agreed you should only pay 50%, she pays you 10%. Settle it monthly.
The only discussion you will ever have is a) what is the fair split; and b) please could everyone keep track of what they are spending or it won't be included on the list (and that person will lose out).
Perfect harmony forever.
It's a stupid thing not to get right because it just takes organisation and a basic knowledge of arithmetic. Save your arguments for something far more important.

@Dunnocantthinkofone Well she says that her job would suit when we have kids which I suppose it would because she gets all the school holidays off and finishes school hours. However I have hinted to her that maybe she should get another part time job but then her excuse is "But I'll get taxed more"

We have went on holidays because she told me that she wants to do traveling before being pregnant but her money managment skills are poor, Im constantly adding things up and I told her before that these holidays would leave her skint (which they did and then I had to pay for everything until she got paid again)

I don't understand why healthy, childfree adults can't work full time, unless of course they don't need the money.

What would be her plan if you started a family, SAHM? You need to iron all this out early on, unfortunately sometimes people just aren't financially compatible

Honestly if you are working nearly double the hours and paying for everything your GF should be pulling her weight more in the house. Can you imagine if she had two children to look after. It doesn’t sound like a great relationship.

@Charel2girl5 but then I dont think im compatible with most women my age, I dont have tiktok or instagram and im introverted. Me and my GF were also each others first when it came to sex, Im also on the autism spectrum. I also would like kids soon and I dont want to be having my first at 32 cause thats too old

Nah at the very least she should be paying proportionate to her income but I’d be saying she needs to build up some savings at least to cover maternity or will you be expected to pay everything for how long she decides on being a SAHM !?

@CoastalCalm she even told me that she would be screwed if she was on her own, I think deep down she knows although considering she works less hours and pays less bills then I do think she shouldnt be moaning when I forget to put a cup away (which is small stuff)

This is not someone to build a life with.

She’s basically a cockledger in reverse. lazy, taking the piss.

do not have children with this woman. She’ll never return to work and you’ll end up working all the hours god sends and have to do the chores. When you divorce youll lose everything you’ve worked for as she’s ‘sacrificed’ her ( non existent) career.

hopefully you ringfenced your deposit and own as tenants in common but I don’t it so now she already gets half the equity that you’re paying for

i think you’re mad

Why do you believe 32 to too old to have a child? If you are going to stick to this (ridiculous) timeline you will have to settle for whoever is willing to be with you and put up with their behaviour or forget such strict timing and find someone who you love and loves you without the stress of your current situation.

She is using you.

I do hope you were sensible and protected your deposit with a deed of trust if you didn’t I would honestly end the relationship now get out with as much as you can with regards to money / equity and move on

honestly if this woman has kids your fucked
she will stay at home and run through your money and good nature and if you split when you have kids your gonna be on the hook for child support as well

She is lazy entitled and a sponger
and this is before kids

And don’t hint
tell her what you actually want

tell her get another job or it’s over

@millymollymoomoo I dont think she is lazy and she does pull her weight around the house but then she does work less hours than me, im willing to work more hours when we have kids although her parents relationship is the same. Her father works silly hours (like 15+ hours a day 6 days a week) while her mother only works like 4 hours a day only a few days a week.

I dont mind working longer hours but when she says jokes like "i'll get a new man" or will give me a bollocking over small things it makes me think that she is being a bit ungreatfull. The stress and the big bills is on me, I know if I dont have enough for the mortgage then I cant rely on anyone to save me and we could potentially lose the house. Then im paying life insurance and other things just in case If I die or end up badly injured so at least she wont have to stress about paying big bills

There is no excuse for her not to work a second job. In my 20s and early 30s I worked every second I possibly could and paid for everything 50:50 with my boyfriend (now husband and father of my children). I enjoyed some of the money I earned (travelled, clothes etc) but also saved for my future. She needs to pull herself together. What would she do if you got hit by a bus tomorrow?

32 is NOT too old to have a baby. But it doesn’t sound like you two are on the same page at all.

Well if you’re serious about wanting children sooner rather than later, the most important consideration before you have children is whether or not you are with the right person to share children with.

Sounds like you’re not - she doesn’t want them yet and wants to travel and you aren’t financially ready for kids if you’re squabbling and disagreeing about the current split of bills.

She cannot pay more as she can’t afford to. Who will therefore pay for these kids? Even if she works term time only, the child will need to attend term time nursery until school age which won’t be free even with some free hours and then there are the additional expenses of buying all the stuff for the baby, the clothes, the formula/milk, the clothes, the days out etc etc - if you’re not happy with what you pay now are you ready to take on those bills?

The most selfish thing you can do is bring a child into the world when you’re not ready or happy simply because you want one.

@Username20221
Who owns the house?
Is it your name only?

I agree with others...tell her plainly she needs to get another job and pay 50% of costs or it’s over...

@Mudflaps well its not "old" but then as you get older less women are single, the single women have already had kids or if they got to thier 30s without having kids then most likely they want to remain CF. In my work place most of the men in thier 20s already have kids and also its just better to start having kids in your 20s especially if you want 3-4.

Get rid of this CF immediately.

Most women who reach their 30s without kids intend to be child free? I think you have some growing up to do and some more of the world to discover because this is just absolutely false.

These days most women can’t even afford kids until their 30s and they’re more driven in their careers so don’t want to give that up so early on

@Lmnop22 but then if you start having kids past 30 then its harder especially if you want 3+ children. Its fine if you only want the one but then lets say if I did become single now then id have to go through the whole dating process and if I do manage to land a date with someone who ticks my boxes then we might not be compatible or after about 6 months the relationship might end which is more time wasted.

How much do you earn OP?