Am I paying for too much in my relationship? And for couples how do you pay bills? And is this relationship abusive?

[Username20221]

Me and my GF have been together for nearly 3 years, we have been living together for over a year but at times I feel like im paying for nearly everything. My girlfriend works around 25 hours a week while I work 45-50 hours a week, she gets paid monthly and brings home around £1,300 a month but when it comes to bills/payments I pay for the monthly mortgage (which is 780 a month), I pay for building insurance, both of our life insurances and we also take turns buying shopping. I also pay the rates and most of the time pay for things like oil or appliences like tumble dryers or washing machines.

I also paid the whole deposit for the house (which was 12,500) and other things like solicitor fees.

My GF only pays for the BT, electric and her own car insurances or car finance but then there has been months where she has been skint (because she wanted to go on holidays) and then I've had to pay for everything for like 2 weeks until she gets paid again including giving her money for fuel.

She is 26 and im 27, we plan on having kids but then I just dont think her money management skills are good. I also help out with chours around the house but then she'll moan about having to wash towels saying that "she does everything" even tho I cut the grass, do dishes, wash my own clothes, would sometimes cook dinner, mop the floors etc. She will go mad if I leave a cup instead of just quickly washing it, she has left things at her ass before and instead of complaining I would just quickly clean it.

She also makes jokes like "I'll get another man" which I mostly ignore but then when I said to her "Well I'll get another woman" she would say "but how would you cause you said you struggled getting women before me". Then she'll say "im only joking" but then at times I think she isnt.

This depends on who owns the house? You’re not married. Is she on the mortgage? I don’t understand why she works part time - it’s in her interest to work full time, especially when not married.

Well she's not living on 1300 a month is she? Your subsidising every aspect of her life.

I think if one earns more they should pay more proportionally..but she's seemingly costing you money.

Tell her she needs to get a full time job. In fact I'd be questioning whether the relationship should continue. I don't think having children with someone who you feel is taking advantage of you is a very good plan. It'll only make things worse.

You've written a script for your life. But life doesn't work that way. What if your GF isn't able to get pregnant? What if she has a terrible pregnancy and decides she doesn't want more than one? Is there anything you like about your GF or is it a case of 'she'll do'? If it turns out she was infertile, would you stay with her? It'll only end badly if the only reason you're staying with her is because you don't think you have time to start again with someone else (which is rubbish, btw).

Just to add... she sounds like she'd take you for every penny if you had kids and she decided to end the relationship. She's holding all the cards and she knows it.

Mate I don't think you should be telling mumsnet users about what women in their 30s do or do not want, nor what 'old' is for having children.

That doesn't mean you have to settle for this girl, who frankly seems a bit of a freeloader. There are loads of women out there who can't stand tiktok.

Perhaps think very carefully before you take this relationship any further. She doesn't sound right for you.

Plenty of women don't have those apps, aren't interested in superficial bullshit, like quieter quirky men. There's a lid for every pot. Some women like nerdy men, some want outgoing flash men, the same as different men prefer different types of women.

She's making unkind "jokes" that she can do better, that's not kind, she's supposed to make you feel special and have your back. Not threaten to pull the rug from under you.

It sounds like she's using you as a meal ticket. You can do better than this. Someone you click with, feel safe and secure with. Someone who is on the same team as you. Being single isn't bad, I used to think I would hate being single, but I've been single for a few years now and I'm in no rush to change that.

There's zero reason for her to work part time. You're subsidizing her. Plus you shouldn't be dropping hints about how many hours she works. You should be able to talk properly about things, that's more than reasonable.

You're young, don't waste your time with someone who doesn't appreciate you, you deserve an equal partner. You can find her.

You're both fairly young and finding your feet. But I think you need to be careful about having children at this point because it sounds like there are significant fault lines in your relationship that would be hugely exacerbated when a baby comes along. You need to take responsibility for contraception - regardless of what she tells you she is doing. Her excuse for not getting a second part time job (and what sounds like a general lack of ambition around her career?) sounds worrying given the expense involved in bringing up a kid and the fact it's normally only 10ish years out of a working life of ~50 years when part time working is a reasonable way to avoid childcare costs. And is she really expecting to take a year's maternity then go back to work while your baby goes to nursery? Because that would be uncommon for someone expecting to work term time only while the kids are young. If not her having this job now is going to be pretty useless in terms of setting you up for her having school holidays off when your child finally goes to school. They won't keep it for her for 5 years and it's not, by the sounds of the salary, highly skilled. So she'll probably be just as attractive a candidate if she actually went off and did something different and full time until you're ready for kids.

My first reaction on reading your OP is that she's pretty lazy and wants to be looked after. If I'm right, this is not someone to have a child with. She won't be a great mother and will make it hard for you to be a great father (because you'll be exhausted juggling all the balls trying to make enough money for you all and she will always be wanting you to do more at home as well).

But that's an initial reaction based on a one sided post. So if you think she actually has a lot of good qualities you haven't listed my suggestion is to sit down together and go over all your joint income and expenditure. See what you're both spending money on and how much, if any, is spare. Set up a joint account for bills that your both pay into and (personal) saving accounts. Decide together what is a reasonable amount for personal spends. Assuming she has a 50% stake in the house (excepting your deposit, which I hope you've ring fenced) she should be paying 50% of the mortgage and either 50% of all bills or some form of proportionate to her income. Given she's only working 25 hours a week, I would go with proportionate to what her income would be if she worked a 40 hour week, unless it eats into reasonable personal spending money. Agree to put the rest into savings so you are building a sound financial foundation to have a baby with. Check in every 3 months or so. Adjust the budget. Check that savings are building. Talk more about how you would manage with a baby.

Why can’t you have 3 over 30? Most people leave a 2ish year age gap if they’re sure they can have another and experience no difficulties so 31,33,35 is perfectly doable! Or even leaving longer. Women are fertile all the way through their 30s!

I just think prioritising your want of kids now when you know you’re not in the right relationship will lead to break up, traumatised kids, misery and regret.

Who’s name is the house in?

You’re not helping around the house either. It’s your house.

"I'll be taxed more" this stood out for me. She will still take more money home. If she earns another £200 a month she will still keep £160 of it!(Well slightly less as there's NI to take into account)
I wouldn't stay with her under these circumstances

Do you own the house, or is it jointly owned?

This....did you buy the house together? I hope you didn't. Don't have kids with this woman she will rinse you. I know a guy who bought a house and then his gf moved in, had his baby, and then was able to take his entire house and he lost everything.

🤔 Where was this?

Get her off the house deeds. She hasn't put anything in and will take all she can

@Username20221 you are with her for convenience, not love.

Nowhere on your posts do you profess your love at all. You want children so you think its best to stay. But you aren't happy. She doesnt sound like she is either. She isn't very nice to you and takes the piss financially.

This is not the right way to bring children into the world. Any relationship suffers when children come along, and it isnt short live. The strongest, most loving, respectful and empathetic relationships survive and happy well rounded kids come out of it....yours is not one of these relationships

When I bought a house with my ex partner in my 20's we went 50/50 with the deposit and house expenses.
Is the house deeds in your name only? I'm assuming so?

Also I understand i've always been a bit of a planner. However life doesnt always go the way we plan, our happiness and peace is most important. We may marry have children and some people get divorced in there 30's 40's or beyond. It seems you must have spoke to her that you would like more help financially. When you do have children 3 or 4 by the sounds of it, are you ok with being the only one working, because it may be this way or possibly the hours she is doing now or less.

30's isnt old to have children, many of us do and are more financially stable

Surrey?

It sounds like you are with her because you’re scared of finding someone else and need her to give birth to your child. Not good reasons to be with her.

It sounds like she’s with you for now because you’re paying for most things and more. If she becomes pregnant, I bet that she doesn’t return to work. If she has a child and you split, I bet that she will guilt you into paying much more than the CMS amount. I suspect that she’ll do even less housework and demand that you pay for nursery for your children too. If you end up having kids with her (hopefully not ) then I hope your earn a lot because she sounds expensive to keep around.

You are being very unreasonable to think that age 30 is too old. Women have a biological cliff edge but men don’t in the same way. You’re also unreasonable to think that 6 months dating the next woman is wasted time. It sounds like you need time to mature and understand yourself better rather than have kids and shackle yourself to someone who shouldn’t be having kids until
she has matured too.

She is saying that maybe she’ll find another man to keep you in line. She knows that you’re too scared to leave her and I think that if she finds a man richer than you who says that she can quit work then she’d be off like a shot.

It doesn’t sound like either of you love each other and you’re both using the other. You shouldn’t introduce kids to this business transaction.

How the house is owned is crucial here. If it is just in your name then she has no interest in it and should not be paying your mortgage for you.

It sounds like she does a lot more round the house than you do, given you refer to yourself as “helping” rather than being an equal partner in that. Her unpaid labour has value.

There’s also no mention of marriage before children. This would put her at a big disadvantage.

While I don’t think you should be subsidising her life I don’t think the situation is as clear cut as you are implying. If you want to put your girlfriend in a situation where she has very little security then you’re choosing to make her vulnerable and expecting equal financial contributions does not seem fair. I think you need to sit down together and work out a way to remove those vulnerabilities, and come up with a contribution regime, both financial and otherwise that works for you both. But you can’t just focus on finances here. That’s not the only issue

Sounds really unlikely to me that a girlfriend can just "take the house", if he bought it on his own.

I'm not lying? I lived with them. She was indolent and never worked a job and furiously resisted getting one. She even tried to get me to accept payments from her and send them back to her to make it look like she was paying a carer so she could scam the dwp.

She'd have no legal right to the house if they were unmarried and she wasn't on the deeds.

You seem like your in a rush doing a tick box thing
girlfriend
house
kid. 1
kids 2
kids 3

honestly relax a bit
the worse thing you can do is to have a kid with the wrong person.

you will be paying it for the rest of your life

I really do hope that she isn’t on the deeds
or that you protected your deposit at Least

my son put down over 100k for the deposit of his house and I made sure that he protected his his deposit by a deed of trust

his partner put in zero - but they are on the deeds 50-50 and pay the mortgage equally

Good grief Op, just stop thinking you need to get a GF, kids and house sorted before you you are too 'old'. Your OP reads like a tick list of things you need to do by a certain deadline, instead of finding the right partner to share the rest of your life with! Relationships are not like buying a house or car !
Your current partner isn't the one you are hoping looking to share the rest of your life with. She doesn't share the same values as you. Why are you paying for the majority of the bills? Have you suggested a joint account sharing the bills?
Don't settle for this because you feel you are running out of time. Find the right partner, be it 1 years time or 5 years time.