Does this sound genuine 😞

[Blossom80]

After being single for over a year, I deided to get out there after being with a fearful avoidant, after nearly 3 months I get this 😩 (he didn’t meet my child)

I think we need to rewind a couple of weeks. The same things that were screaming at me in my head then are still there now and it's just getting harder and harder the more I see you and keep hoping I'll suddenly feel differently. I won't. I'll always have this doubt going on and a sense of panic that I'm not doing the right thing and that usually means it's not the right thing! I'm just ignoring it because I don't want it to be true and I like spending time with you. The only reason I'm messaging and not ringing is because, one, we have already discussed this and we will go round in circles, and two, I don't want to talk myself out of it or soften it up trying not to disappoint you. I am happy to talk to you obviously but I needed to be clear in what I'm saying without waffling. I know now that I need to date someone who either has kids that are grown up or maybe doesn't have them. I thought maybe I could do it but the reality is that I cant. I can't be trusted to commit to something that big and not end up letting everyone down. I want to make up for time that I lost too much for it not to be an issue. Too many things I want to do that don't involve children. I hope you understand and know it's nothing you've done. I wish it was because I didn't like you! It would be a lot easier. Been quite gutt wrenching and I'm not sure how I let myself fall back in to this situation so I apologise for that. I've spent too much time on my own and I thought I could readjust to be able to have a child around every evening but I'm too used to my own space now, it's not something I want.

Lots of people don't want to date people with kids. He probably thought he would give it a go as he liked you and the dating pool is much smaller if you filter out people with kids, but ultimately he realised it's not the life he wants.

I met a guy the other weekend who said he had a 7 year old kid. I said good luck finding someone because most people don't want to deal with that. I think it's worse for women though as you're more likely to end up as another caregiver, before long you're asked to do school runs etc... sod that.

I found different male role models for my son. They don’t need to be someone you’re dating.

He clearly liked you very much, but has been honest about not wanting a child in his life. Nobody’s fault- chalk it up to experience and move on. Your son should always come first, and unless a man acknowledges that, he doesn’t belong in your life.

"I met a guy the other weekend who said he had a 7 year old kid. I said good luck finding someone because most people don't want to deal with that."

Bit harsh. Did you really say that to him?

Yes, football coach etc
I said thanks for being honest, take care and left it at that, he did try to go on and explain further but I just hearted the message. My Son will always come first and I will never try and convince anyone to stay in my life.

Wow! Most men my age have kids grown up 😂 he had his children when he was 18 and they’re in their 20s now.

Ah that’s sad OP - I just don’t meet people with young kids to see to - but I’m old.

My daughter had this issue though a couple of years back - he pulled back as he wasn’t sure it was fair as he wasn’t sure he could be who he needed to be. In the end he decided he was and I always thought it was good to take time to think.

However, he didn’t ‘waffle’ on I don’t think like your ex clearly is - it sounds like you’ve been having tortuous conversations about him, his needs, how the kids impact him - not actually you or your child. You definitely throw this one back, delete and block or he’ll be back next month to tell you where he is at, how he feels, what he needs from you - you don’t need it and you deserve, and will get, a lot lot better.

Thank you, I suppose there’s hope. But without a support group and full time work it seems so hard.

I think he has other issues going on, he was very much an over thinker.
I guess I tried to help him more than I should have which deepened the bond early on.

Mine are all grown up - I'm 47. This guy was the same age as me but his youngest was 7. I come across a lot of guys in their 50s too who have school age children.

It’s a huge amount of waffle but I think he did that to soften the blow and he also sounds quite anxious. At least he told you what he wanted, or didn’t want, instead of stringing you along. He sounded a lot like my ex! (It’s not).

I wouldn’t date someone with young kids either. So there’s no criticism when a man has that preference (despite the usual views on MN). I’m done with play gyms and kid based holidays and always having to try and find a babysitter. I have an adult DC and a mid teen who can be left on her own. I’d be looking for someone with older kids/adult DC’s too, but not someone child free as they often don’t have a clue that you still have to parent teens.

I know what I want my life to look like and I’m not going to compromise. 3 months is long enough to work out whether you’re compatible and you’re not. I’d put this down to experience and ask more questions earlier on. I screen out anyone with young kids and don’t even date them so this can’t happen months down the line. Also perhaps think about why you’re so upset now, are you getting too emotionally attached too soon?

Don’t think like that, dating for me has got much better since I turned 40 and now mid 40s I’ve met someone amazing, I have young kids.

Thank you for the hope 🙏

I'm so sorry to read this OP, as I remember your last thread.

If I were you I'd step back from dating or try to treat it like the fun experience it's supposed to be.

Nothing should be this deep at not even 3 months in.

I suppose I did get attached too soon, but I didn’t want to give the impression that I was playing games. He hadn’t dated for ages and was a bit sceptical, he hadn’t been on a date so he says in four years, but very handsome and in tune with women for saying so, albeit very overthinky, I guess that why I tried to reassure him a little more than I should have. Lesson learnt.

Sorry I don’t know either, I just assumed as there seems to be sites for every taste and configuration

Sounds genuine to me. A lot of waffling but he’s clearly thought about how having a relationship with you is potentially more weighty as there’s a child involved and he’s not sure whether he’s up to that which is a shame but fair enough. Better he say it now that later. Look forward not back. Plenty more people to meet and things to do that will fill your life and give you joy. Life’s too short to worry about this one. Nice guy, wrong time. Good luck x

How did you remember me! It took me a long time to recover from that, I’m probably still not 100%
You’re right! I think as I have limited time, I get in a rush to integrate (which I haven’t). Thanks

Well unless I've got the wrong poster it was only a couple of months ago?

@Blossom80 I do understand and I’ve been there. My ex (who this sounded like) was a huge overthinker with anxiety and massive self doubt. I tiptoed around him excusing his behaviour due to his MH until I got to a stage where my needs weren’t ever met and his always took priority. I’m only sharing advice as I had to learn the hard way and not get as attached. He was so often a lovely person despite this but was never going to be ready for a committed relationship. Don’t beat yourself up too much, you’ve got out much earlier than I did. Look forward and someone right for you will come along.

And I'd be very careful of a dating app where men are seeking women with children.

Around Christmas time was the hardest and the realisation of what he was, which made me get back on the dating scene. So yes probably me.

This makes sense, and you’re right, I would have been walking on egg shells (both of us) trying to be mindful.
I need to sort my attachment issues out.

Don’t beat yourself up op, you can’t help your feelings.
im going through a ‘break up’ at the moment, I had a FWB for 2 years and it very abruptly came to an end the last few days and I’m truly devastated. We will get through it, we just have to ride out the awful feelings for a few weeks first X

Sorry to hear you are going through this too…

Ive deleted him, the chat, the pictures etc I’m not ruminating as much as I was. Just disappointed that another has failed.
I hope you feel better soon, I found podcasts helped a lot last time, I should practice what I preach and try these too and the healing process again 😂 x