Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does this sound genuine 😞

74 replies

Blossom80 · 25/04/2026 22:56

After being single for over a year, I deided to get out there after being with a fearful avoidant, after nearly 3 months I get this 😩 (he didn’t meet my child)

I think we need to rewind a couple of weeks. The same things that were screaming at me in my head then are still there now and it's just getting harder and harder the more I see you and keep hoping I'll suddenly feel differently. I won't. I'll always have this doubt going on and a sense of panic that I'm not doing the right thing and that usually means it's not the right thing! I'm just ignoring it because I don't want it to be true and I like spending time with you. The only reason I'm messaging and not ringing is because, one, we have already discussed this and we will go round in circles, and two, I don't want to talk myself out of it or soften it up trying not to disappoint you. I am happy to talk to you obviously but I needed to be clear in what I'm saying without waffling. I know now that I need to date someone who either has kids that are grown up or maybe doesn't have them. I thought maybe I could do it but the reality is that I cant. I can't be trusted to commit to something that big and not end up letting everyone down. I want to make up for time that I lost too much for it not to be an issue. Too many things I want to do that don't involve children. I hope you understand and know it's nothing you've done. I wish it was because I didn't like you! It would be a lot easier. Been quite gutt wrenching and I'm not sure how I let myself fall back in to this situation so I apologise for that. I've spent too much time on my own and I thought I could readjust to be able to have a child around every evening but I'm too used to my own space now, it's not something I want.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · Yesterday 00:06

Blossom80 · 25/04/2026 23:54

If anything you’ve made me laugh 😂 I’m not sure if I was even supposed to, but thanks 😂

Sorry to hear about your husband. Gits aren’t they!

Yes, you were definitely supposed to laugh!

And yes, men are gits.

I have invested in a new vibrator. It is less trouble than fending off unsuitable men.

Blossom80 · Yesterday 00:08

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · Yesterday 00:06

Yes, you were definitely supposed to laugh!

And yes, men are gits.

I have invested in a new vibrator. It is less trouble than fending off unsuitable men.

Great investment! I shall be doing the same 😂

OP posts:
LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · Yesterday 04:02

You could try the Burned Haystack dating approach to weed out the undesirables and timewasters. One thing in that longwinded text that snagged my attention was:

"I can't be trusted to commit to something that big and not end up letting everyone down"

That's him telling on himself, inadvertently. He has a long history of letting people down, probably because he's got unresolved emotional issues and/or commitment phobia.

This guy was NEVER going to be good for you.

I suspect that if you read up on Burned Haystack and then go back to your early messages, you'll see some of the red flag rhetorical patterns in there. This would have helped you block him much sooner, so that you didn't waste this time and emotional investment.

AnotherName2025 · Yesterday 04:44

WallyHilloughby · 25/04/2026 23:03

So why get involved with someone with kids?
I presume the OP hasn’t been hiding them in a cupboard since they started seeing each other?

Because he thought he could handle it, re red his message.

AnotherName2025 · Yesterday 04:52

Blossom80 · 25/04/2026 23:46

At 45 with a young child, I am… The dating pool is shocking over 40.

Bur thank you x

Re read the messages.

you're only 45, don't give up now!! 🤗

it's not personal. He liked you! He's obviously got baggage, but thought he could be better thus time. But has realised (early in before meeting your child) that actually he can't. He has had the maturity to deal with it now (when he doesn't want to) to spare you, but mostly your child from getting attached to him then him disappearing.

I personally think blocking him everywhere is unkind, but it seems the modern way.

try try try not to be negative about meeting someone but this is for YOU. It's not about creating an instant 'family' for DS, you're his family💕

devonsevon11 · Yesterday 04:59

I think he sounds ok. He’s being truthful. It’s just a difficult situation.

You’ve had a nice 3 months, but now you know its just not going to work.

You could maybe unblock to say goodbye and wish him all rhe best, but I do think it’s for the best you do then block him and have a clean break. There’s no point in keeping contact open.

You sound like a lovely mum. You and your son will be fine and if you want to meet someone I’m sure you will x

Mumlaplomb · Yesterday 08:58

Personally I would keep him blocked in case he decides to circle back, which many of these men do. But it’s your choice.

Blossom80 · Yesterday 08:59

AnotherName2025 · Yesterday 04:52

Re read the messages.

you're only 45, don't give up now!! 🤗

it's not personal. He liked you! He's obviously got baggage, but thought he could be better thus time. But has realised (early in before meeting your child) that actually he can't. He has had the maturity to deal with it now (when he doesn't want to) to spare you, but mostly your child from getting attached to him then him disappearing.

I personally think blocking him everywhere is unkind, but it seems the modern way.

try try try not to be negative about meeting someone but this is for YOU. It's not about creating an instant 'family' for DS, you're his family💕

Thank you. I think blocking is unkind too, I think he’s struggling mentally anyhow, before I met him. I’ve deleted him, so my pic will have disappeared, but I needed to remove temptation and stop re reading messages thinking where it went wrong and what did I do! I feel a bit better for it but at the same time feel unkind if he’s having a hard time generally x

OP posts:
Blossom80 · Yesterday 09:00

Mumlaplomb · Yesterday 08:58

Personally I would keep him blocked in case he decides to circle back, which many of these men do. But it’s your choice.

I have done, deleted anyway, to remove temptation and stop re reading messages.

OP posts:
Blossom80 · Yesterday 09:00

devonsevon11 · Yesterday 04:59

I think he sounds ok. He’s being truthful. It’s just a difficult situation.

You’ve had a nice 3 months, but now you know its just not going to work.

You could maybe unblock to say goodbye and wish him all rhe best, but I do think it’s for the best you do then block him and have a clean break. There’s no point in keeping contact open.

You sound like a lovely mum. You and your son will be fine and if you want to meet someone I’m sure you will x

Thank you, it’s just so exhausting, I want to be happy x

OP posts:
Mumlaplomb · Yesterday 09:00

Yes it is a shame if he is suffering from his mental health but he’s not your partner and therefore it isn’t your job to support him or keep his route of access open.

Blossom80 · Yesterday 09:01

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · Yesterday 04:02

You could try the Burned Haystack dating approach to weed out the undesirables and timewasters. One thing in that longwinded text that snagged my attention was:

"I can't be trusted to commit to something that big and not end up letting everyone down"

That's him telling on himself, inadvertently. He has a long history of letting people down, probably because he's got unresolved emotional issues and/or commitment phobia.

This guy was NEVER going to be good for you.

I suspect that if you read up on Burned Haystack and then go back to your early messages, you'll see some of the red flag rhetorical patterns in there. This would have helped you block him much sooner, so that you didn't waste this time and emotional investment.

I have heard of this, and in a way I did apply it. I will certainly be stricter in future if I decide to try again.

OP posts:
ThisCalmUmberCrab · Yesterday 09:31

Blossom80 · 25/04/2026 23:46

At 45 with a young child, I am… The dating pool is shocking over 40.

Bur thank you x

It truly is and my heart goes out to you. I’ve also had the misfortune of being involved with a fearful-avoidant - online dating is littered with them. I started dating in October full of hope and from a healthy place and I just feel traumatised by what I’ve dated. It’s very difficult. But from each one I do learn lessons

Blossom80 · Yesterday 09:39

ThisCalmUmberCrab · Yesterday 09:31

It truly is and my heart goes out to you. I’ve also had the misfortune of being involved with a fearful-avoidant - online dating is littered with them. I started dating in October full of hope and from a healthy place and I just feel traumatised by what I’ve dated. It’s very difficult. But from each one I do learn lessons

Lessons have definitely been learnt, I feel like a totally different person after the FA but I’m on high alert and anxious x

OP posts:
exhaustDAD · Yesterday 09:44

No need to dissect it - he doesn't want to be with someone who has kids. Fair. Everyone has a right to feel that way. That doesn't mean anything about your worth, your experience, or anything. It is just a preference of his, no need to think further about it. Try to look at it this way @Blossom80 - At least you didn't intertwine your lives, he was not part of your kid's life to then exit it. And he didn't just disappear without a word, making you wonder what happened. You can process this, and then with your head held high, you can go ahead, and be happy... No harm done. And please, never forget that just because it happened this way with this guy does not have anything to do with anyone in the future...

Blossom80 · Yesterday 09:47

exhaustDAD · Yesterday 09:44

No need to dissect it - he doesn't want to be with someone who has kids. Fair. Everyone has a right to feel that way. That doesn't mean anything about your worth, your experience, or anything. It is just a preference of his, no need to think further about it. Try to look at it this way @Blossom80 - At least you didn't intertwine your lives, he was not part of your kid's life to then exit it. And he didn't just disappear without a word, making you wonder what happened. You can process this, and then with your head held high, you can go ahead, and be happy... No harm done. And please, never forget that just because it happened this way with this guy does not have anything to do with anyone in the future...

Yes, at least he explained before it got too far. I just can’t help this feeling of rejection and what’s wrong with me, I felt he stepped back a while ago, but he still kept turning up/dating and having a nice time. Arghhh.

OP posts:
Fiftyandme · Yesterday 09:48

When a man tells you he’s not interested - believe him this first time.

you have one precious life - don’t waste your time and energy on something that isn’t even going to get out of the starting pens

MrsTravelBug · Yesterday 09:50

That’s a shame OP but at least it’s early days and he is being honest. I couldn’t date someone with kids either (and I have three of my own) so I do understand where he was coming from.

I hope you find happiness with someone more suitable.

Ophir · Yesterday 09:51

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 25/04/2026 23:52

It's even worse when you're nearly 70.
🤣

My stupid husband buggered off and left me seven months ago, and so far, I've been propositioned by a gay lay preacher, a wet lettuce of a man whose recently dead wife was my friend, and a man whose wife is very much alive, and who still lives with her.

I mean WTF.

Sorry, but this made me laugh 😆

onwards and upwards!

Ophir · Yesterday 09:53

@Blossom80 I think it sounds very genuine, and possibly trying to set out things you’ve discussed before, and explain why the reality of having a child around all the time isn’t for him, even though he likes you

The right chap will come along

exhaustDAD · Yesterday 09:58

Blossom80 · Yesterday 09:47

Yes, at least he explained before it got too far. I just can’t help this feeling of rejection and what’s wrong with me, I felt he stepped back a while ago, but he still kept turning up/dating and having a nice time. Arghhh.

Because you have a heart, and rejection is not a nice feeling. That is normal. But you need to process it and be conscious of the fact that there is nothing wrong with you. I am not a "you go girl" type of a person, this is not about that, but here, absolutely nothing is wrong with you...and you need to be kind to yourself.

BunnyLake · Yesterday 10:01

It was a lot of words (probably felt guilty so over explaining) to say young children are not really in his dating plans.

Onwards and upwards as they say and maybe a dating site for single parents?

Blossom80 · Yesterday 10:05

BunnyLake · Yesterday 10:01

It was a lot of words (probably felt guilty so over explaining) to say young children are not really in his dating plans.

Onwards and upwards as they say and maybe a dating site for single parents?

I didn’t know there was one for single parents 😱
Ok, get your act together and get back out there 💪
I can’t be sat here ruminating whilst the sun is shining 😊 Thank you! x

OP posts:
Tlittle · Yesterday 10:08

The exact thing happened to me although I was 21 with a three year old, really in love then ten months later dropped by text as he decided he didn't like kids. He was abit older than me.
Don't feel bad for deleting him it's not like he tried as he never met them. If it continued you would always be worrying.

Ever since it happened to me I have dated those with kids or who wanted them and I promise it does get better.
I met the love of my life at 39 and my dad met my step mum in his forties after my mum messed him around and they have been together over twenty years so there is always time.
Good luck to you x

pictoosh · Yesterday 10:10

I think he's been upfront, if very waffley.

He likes you, he has tried to overcome his doubts because he likes you...but he has ultimately concluded that being involved with a mum isn't right for him.
I don't think he wants to hurt you at all and that it was hard for him to say, hence the waffling, purple prose and over-explaining.

Bum.

Swipe left for the next trending thread