Some men are truly awful.
My ExH tried to snog my Mum, my sister and every single one of my friends. Obviously, I didn't know at the time, although looking back the signs were there. Like him getting too handsy with a work colleague on the dance floor, whilst I watched on heavily pregnant. Like him disappearing with a colleague on a work night out, and only reappearing at the end. Like him going out and staying out all night, at a female colleagues flat. I was so young and trusted every "explanation" he gave me.
Over the years, petty domestic violence emerged, like pushing and kicking under the table. Then when we'd been together for 16 years, I found out about all the tried infidelities and truly had my eyes opened. I lingered on for another 4 years, and in that time he still flirted with other women, until I finally snapped. I found myself (and our kids) somewhere else to live.
When I told him I was leaving, he assaulted me, to the point that I thought I was going to die (he knelt on my neck).
Strangely, at the time I needed the most support, my best friend ghosted me. I moved out and started my new life. Couldn't shake the weirdness about my friend though, and when I was back in his house picking up the kids after they'd been there, I saw his phone lying on the table. I checked his texts, and found messages in there between him and my best friend, talking about all the sex they'd been having. She really had been my best friend in the world, and so I lost her too.
After I had left, it was a few weeks later and it was my birthday. He couldn't understand why me and the kids were going to a restaurant for dinner, and he wasn't invited. So, late that night he came to my new place and assaulted me again, dragging me around the house by my hair. Thankfully I got him out pretty quickly, I think he was scared the kids might hear something.
He was a very high earner - £135k p/a back in 2008! But he didn't want to pay any child support to "fund my lifestyle". So, he would withhold child support every month, making me ask for it. Getting sick of this, I filed a claim with the CSA. Somehow, he managed to convince them that he earned £100k less than he really did. I think he owes me circa £30k in child support, which I will never see. He suggested that instead of the kids living with me, he could move them into his parents loft some 350 miles away. Erm, no!
This was all almost 18 years ago now. He went NC with me, as soon as the youngest turned 18. He can't even look at me. It was our daughters wedding a couple of years ago, and in the bridal suite, once all the bridesmaids had left, there was just me, him and our daughter in the room. He even totally blanked me then, in that special moment. Completely ignored me, as if I wasn't there.
I met my now DH, just 8 weeks after leaving ExH, and I think he just can't process the fact that I left him, and very quickly met a good man that is his polar opposite. He is also very scared of DH. ExH is short and skinny, and quite weak (but I am small, hence he could still overpower me). DH is 6ft3, built like a brick shit house and is a trained fighter for his job. He stood in very quickly to protect me from ExH, which was wonderful. One time, ExH parked on my driveway and was shouting at me through the car window. DH ran out in his bare feet and told him he would drag him out the car and finish him if he didn't wind his neck in. My old Mum, rest her soul, was so impressed that DH didn't even put his shoes on. Not sure why that tickled her so much!
DH and me are now planning our retirement, and I have no regrets. If ExH had not done those things, I would never have met my lovely DH. So, maybe everything happens for a reason. I always think of a song by Rascal Flatts when I think about my DH. It's called "God bless the broken road (that lead me straight to you). Happily now planning an epic trip for next year when DH finally retires. So exciting!
But yes Op, some men are the pits, and I think your Ex was probably a Narc by the sounds of it. I hope you moved on and found someone lovely. 