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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out husband has lied to me

67 replies

Rainday123 · 25/04/2026 13:03

My husband (married with with children) has in the past few weeks had a younger female assistant join his small work team where he is managing her. Part of his job is being present at some evening events occasionally. He had one recently and I asked who went/ who he travelled there with and he said his boss, another colleague and the new assistant. He also text me during the evening later on saying it was finishing up but I found out the next day through seeing a receipt he left that when he text me saying the work event was finishing he had actually been in the pub for an hour or so with some colleagues after the event had already ended. I asked him what it was an he initially lied and said it was part of the venue which it wasn’t. I then found out that his boss who he said he travelled and attended with them hadn’t in fact gone at all. This has made me feel so upset and worried I can’t trust him and that he maybe wanting to entertain things outside our marriage. I don’t know what to do. He lied about these things when texting me but also to me face. When I confronted him he has then backtracked and said I misunderstood what he said or that he lied because he was worried I would be upset with him spending the evening at a work event with this female assistant and so lied in these ways.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 25/04/2026 13:07

Was it just him and her in the pub or did a group of them go? It doesn't sound like you trust him

blythet · 25/04/2026 13:08

sorry @Rainday123that would be a massive issue for me.
my DH often travels for work and if there was a reason for him to travel with a younger female colleague I’d accept it as part of his job and it wouldn’t be an issue. However the reason it would’ve be an issue is because I trust my DH. If I found out he lied to me about something like this, I would no longer trust him and I’d wonder what else he was covering up/hiding

blythet · 25/04/2026 13:08

Shoxfordian · 25/04/2026 13:07

Was it just him and her in the pub or did a group of them go? It doesn't sound like you trust him

She doesn’t trust him because he lies to her!

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 25/04/2026 13:09

Sorry OP but there is never any excuse for lying.
There can be no trust in a relationship if one of the couple is a liar.
He lied about this event for a reason. He tried to cover up what really happened for a reason. And it was for his benefit not yours.

Rainday123 · 25/04/2026 13:09

He said the assistant left before the pub when he ‘told her he could go’ but I have no idea if that’s true or not now. He said he were there with a couple of other colleagues but again it’s very hard to know what is true from what he is saying as there have been these two outright lies to my face about what he was doing. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
PopcornKitten · 25/04/2026 13:12

Unless you have a habit of being upset if your husband has contact with/socialises with women then YANBU. He’s lying for a reason. Sounds like he’s spent time with her one on one knowing that that’s not usual for him so is hiding it. If it’s innocent then there’s no need for the lie.

PopcornKitten · 25/04/2026 13:14

Rainday123 · 25/04/2026 13:09

He said the assistant left before the pub when he ‘told her he could go’ but I have no idea if that’s true or not now. He said he were there with a couple of other colleagues but again it’s very hard to know what is true from what he is saying as there have been these two outright lies to my face about what he was doing. I don’t know what to do

You need to tell him you feel uncomfortable about the lies and see what he suggests to rectify the situation. What do you need him to do?
alternatively, you can monitor for the next week or so to see how he behaves without saying anything at this stage.

millymollymoomoo · 25/04/2026 13:21

What is wrong with him going to the pub with her anyway. I’ve travelled often sometimes alone sometimes with colleagues and gone for drinks or dinner , or gone out after work with a mate colleague

if you’re always this insecure /paranoid he’s just going to not tell you

Rainday123 · 25/04/2026 13:25

It feels uncomfortable for me as a mum at home caring for our children whilst he is out late at night having drinks in the pub with a twenty something woman and then lying to me about where he was and what he was doing

OP posts:
swqa · 25/04/2026 13:25

The thing is we don't know you.

If you don't have form for jealousy (which many MNetters admit they do) and you don't have form for giving him the 3rd degree just because he had a drink with a female colleague, then YANBU at all.

But my ex husband very much did, and I ended up lying to him over the smallest of things just to try and keep the peace.

I eventually divorced him and have never felt the need to lie to my current husband of 25 years.

The people who say 'there's no excuse for lies', have clearly never lived with a jealous, abusive partner who they need to tread on eggshells around, before eventually managing to divorce them.

Rainday123 · 25/04/2026 13:27

swqa · 25/04/2026 13:25

The thing is we don't know you.

If you don't have form for jealousy (which many MNetters admit they do) and you don't have form for giving him the 3rd degree just because he had a drink with a female colleague, then YANBU at all.

But my ex husband very much did, and I ended up lying to him over the smallest of things just to try and keep the peace.

I eventually divorced him and have never felt the need to lie to my current husband of 25 years.

The people who say 'there's no excuse for lies', have clearly never lived with a jealous, abusive partner who they need to tread on eggshells around, before eventually managing to divorce them.

This seems very unkind- I have no issue with him going to a work event or having a drink but just don’t want to be lied to about it

OP posts:
CocoaTea · 25/04/2026 13:31

Shoxfordian · 25/04/2026 13:07

Was it just him and her in the pub or did a group of them go? It doesn't sound like you trust him

She can’t trust him because he lies to her.

swqa · 25/04/2026 13:35

Rainday123 · 25/04/2026 13:27

This seems very unkind- I have no issue with him going to a work event or having a drink but just don’t want to be lied to about it

It certainly wasn't my intention to be 'unkind'?

But as I say, we don't know you and therefore we don't know how you tend to react when he says he's going for a drink with a female colleague.

Or as you describe her a 'younger' female colleague.

If you're not the jealous or controlling typed, then YANBU at all.

millymollymoomoo · 25/04/2026 13:40

Or he lied because op is uncomfortable with it. And he knows he’s going to get grief.

could be either.

if he’d said oh im
going out with young colleague after the event for drinks and dinner would you have been ok ? Because there literally is nothing wrong in that

Endofyear · 25/04/2026 19:52

You just 'happened' to see the receipt or you were already suspicious and snooping through his things?

As others have said, lying to your partner is obviously not a good thing but going for a drink with colleagues after a work event is a pretty normal thing to do. So he's either lying because he's up to something or he's lying because he knows you're likely to be jealous and be angry that he had a drink with his colleagues which includes a young attractive woman. Do you have any other reason not to trust him?

ThisJadePlayer · Yesterday 13:19

From recent personal experience, he’s up to no good. If he’s lying, there’s a reason. He might not have cheated yet but the dishonesty and disrespect is there and even the ‘good guys’ cheat when the opportunity and temptation is there :(

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · Yesterday 13:22

Well he lied to you then gaslighted you so no, you can't trust him.

ThisJadePlayer · Yesterday 13:24

Rainday123 · 25/04/2026 13:25

It feels uncomfortable for me as a mum at home caring for our children whilst he is out late at night having drinks in the pub with a twenty something woman and then lying to me about where he was and what he was doing

Exactly how my partners affair started, he would release the truth slowly so I would be annoyed but trusted his answers. So it started out he was just in a group, then it was they stayed out for a couple of extra drinks when ‘everyone bailed’ . Then they shared a hotel room because it was cheaper.. then they shared a bed because the hotel messed up and didn’t have a twin room. Basically I let him have an affair for 3 years as he groomed me slowly into accepting this behaviour so that I couldn’t possibly think he would be sleeping with her if I knew about them sharing a bed. Finally found out when I was 30 weeks pregnant after finding evidence hidden on his snap chat that I had no idea men in their mind 30s use… they do if they want to hide something

Mapletree1985 · Yesterday 13:33

Did he lie to you because he knew that you'd kick up a fuss if he told you the truth?

AttilaTheMeerkat · Yesterday 13:37

This is going into emotional affair territory and those are really damaging. Is he a white knight sort of man always ready to swoop in?.

BuildbyNumbere · Yesterday 13:41

Maybe he does have a thing for the new assistant … but does SHE have a thing for a middle aged, married man with kids?!?! 🤔

Caplin · Yesterday 13:44

To be honest it is hard to say. I used to regularly do evening events and travel, as does my husband, and it’s not unusual for a few of us to end up in a pub afterwards. I trust my H and he trusts me. I certainly wouldn’t be checking his receipts to double check his story and timings, which is the bit that makes me wonder if you have form for not trusting him. If I went to a bar after an event I would say it is all part of the same evening, especially if the event space kicks out early. Plus he was probably keeping the receipt to reclaim expenses, so sounds like there were a few of them there.

So either he lied because he thought you would make a fuss and he was just trying to avoid that, or he is lying because he felt guilty about something. Either way you need to have calm talk about that because either thing is not good.

Have you ever had a reason to doubt him before?

DripDripAprilshower · Yesterday 13:46

I then found out that his boss who he said he travelled and attended with them hadn’t in fact gone at all.

How do you know his Boss wasn’t there? Do you have access to their diary?

usedtobeaylis · Yesterday 13:47

swqa · 25/04/2026 13:25

The thing is we don't know you.

If you don't have form for jealousy (which many MNetters admit they do) and you don't have form for giving him the 3rd degree just because he had a drink with a female colleague, then YANBU at all.

But my ex husband very much did, and I ended up lying to him over the smallest of things just to try and keep the peace.

I eventually divorced him and have never felt the need to lie to my current husband of 25 years.

The people who say 'there's no excuse for lies', have clearly never lived with a jealous, abusive partner who they need to tread on eggshells around, before eventually managing to divorce them.

On the other hand, men who cheat or who want to cheat, lie about everything and backtrack in increments. Which is happening here.

ThreadGuardDog · Yesterday 13:47

millymollymoomoo · 25/04/2026 13:21

What is wrong with him going to the pub with her anyway. I’ve travelled often sometimes alone sometimes with colleagues and gone for drinks or dinner , or gone out after work with a mate colleague

if you’re always this insecure /paranoid he’s just going to not tell you

But he’s not just not telling her, he’s lying about it. He rang to say the work event was just finishing and in actual fact he was already in the pub. He told OP he travelled to the event with another work colleague, not just this young woman, and OP later found out that the work colleague didn’t attend. And if this is a new thing, in that he didn’t bother going for drinks/dinner after work events before this young woman joined, why is he doing it now ? It’s one thing not to say anything if you know you’re going to get grief. It’s quite another to tell not one, but several lies to cover up what you’re actually doing.

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