Can a relationship recover after discovering my husband was messaging women?

[NoisyGreyBalonz]

Not sure what I’m looking for here really, just some advice from anyone who has been through similar.

I’m in a long-term relationship with kids and recently found out my husband had been messaging and engaging with other women, including paid services. It completely knocked me and I’m still trying to process it.

What I’m struggling with is that since everything came out, he’s been putting in more effort than ever — more affectionate, more present, actually seeming like he wants me. In some ways I feel more connected to him than I have in a long time, which is confusing given everything that’s happened.

At the same time, I still feel hurt, unsettled and unsure if this is genuine change or just temporary because he’s been caught.

I’m not really looking for people to tell me to just leave — I know that’s always an option. I’m more trying to understand whether relationships can genuinely recover from this, especially when it involved that level of betrayal.

If you stayed, did things actually get better long term? Did the effort continue or fade?

He is going through the "shit I got caught stage, better be good so she doesn't turn everything upside-down "

Get ducks in a row and seek solicitors advice

Men like him don't change, OP

Nope

Other people's experiences won't really help you here because it is dependent on so many factors.

When you say recently found out my husband had been messaging and engaging with other women, including paid services do you mean physical engagement too? What was the nature of the messages?

Because some women would forgive and move on from messages/sexting if nothing physical happened and others wouldn't.

WRT the recent positive change in his behaviour, I would say don't make any long term decisions based on that. There is a desire in both of you to preserve the status quo at the moment, adrenaline is running high, emotions are heightened generally. When that settles you will have a better idea of how things truly stand.

I would say though that this appears to be a pattern of behaviour for him and many women who have posted similar issues here before have found that the behaviours resurface.

Ultimately, anyone can make a short term effort but people generally revert to type because that's their nature.

And that's true of everything. I can clear out a cupboard, buy boxes and things for organising, have the best of intentions and keep it up for a while but, eventually, the cupboard will he a mess again because I'm an inherently untidy person. Despite my best efforts and desire for the contrary!

Look up ‘hysterical bonding’

Yes. I couldn't remember the term!

I think after such a betrayal there has to be more than him just making an effort to be nice. Have you considered couples counselling? He needs to understand how his behaviour has effected you and face some hard truths about why he did what he did. You are going to have to build trust again in the relationship and that takes a lot of time and effort from you both. It can't be swept under the carpet and try and carry on as if nothing has happened.

What else is he doing off his own bat to try and repair things?. Is he seeking therapy of his own accord?. Has he offered to move back to his mother’s house to give you some space?.

I would not stay with such a man for the supposed sake of the children.

If there is no trust there is no relationship.

I don't think it will ever be the same. I'd be gone if it was me, however I don't have kids with my partner (although I do have a teenager from previous relationship) which i appreciate makes leaving more complicated.

I did say to my partner before we even got together that if he so much as flirted with another woman I'd walk - and I meant it. He is open and friendly towards everyone and that's fine, but I have a strict line when it comes to paying other women attention and I'd stick to it no matter how painful it was

Get a STD test

I really appreciate your perspective, especially about not making long-term decisions based on short-term change — I agree with that.

To answer your question, there was physical involvement as well (he received sexual services), not just messaging. So for me it definitely crosses a bigger boundary than just texting.

I think that’s why I feel so conflicted — the change in him right now feels very real, and I do feel more connected to him, but I’m also aware that this could be a short-term reaction to being caught.

He has started getting help around porn/sexual behaviour, so I guess I’m trying to work out whether that kind of change can actually stick long-term, or if it usually goes back to old patterns like you mentioned.
I actually really liked your cupboard analogy it weirdly made a lot of sense to me

From a male perspective and not the same degree, DW started messaging a very old boyfriend pretty much out of the blue, they weren’t exactly just catching up, caused a lot of upset on both sides, took a long time for things to get back to anything like normal and that constant doubts about the person I thought I knew so well still linger and still affect the relationship , I truly doubt it will ever be the same and not sure how it can be for anyone in this type of situation

So he’s been cheating on you, is now playing nice, so you are continuing to sleep with him and just accepting it.?

when your panic subsides your self esteem will be on the floor. As you know he’s going to do it again. And he will lose any respect for you inyou just accepted it, both of you will have your thoughts on this.

OK, this would change it for me.

I can see how people get caught up in messaging (I personally wouldn't move on from that either) but I can see how, for some people, there is a disconnect from the real world. Just words on a screen. Not really any different to posting on here...

But there is calculated effort in physically betraying someone. Plans were made, he got ready, went out in his car, met up with the person, went through with it... so many opportunities to think WTF am I doing! This isn't right! and he didn't.

Why didn't he seek 'help' for his behaviours when only he knew of them? He didn't because it was something he wanted to. He wasn't thinking about you. He didn't care about you. He'd still be doing it now if you hadn't discovered it.

That is the part that would be the issue for me. A body is just a body; an orgasm is just an orgasm. But he made many, many decisions repeatedly and on many separate occasions that disrespected and disregarded you. And that isn't someone I could ever trust again.

I’m 21 months on from discovering messages between my husband and a colleague, and I still have days where I’m not sure whether our relationship is fully recoverable. What I can say is that it’s taken a huge amount of work from both of us to get to where we are now. Couples counselling with a brilliant Gottman Method therapist was genuinely life‑changing for us — it gave us tools we didn’t even realise we were missing.

My husband also sought help - eventually - and that was a turning point. It helped him understand how avoiding conflict and difficult emotions had shaped his behaviour for most of his life. He now recognises that “chatting” with her may have distracted him from his problems at the time, but the lies and deception only made everything worse and hurt me far more deeply than he ever imagined. I know that this won’t happen again because I see the changes in the way he deals with everything on a daily basis. Hopefully your dh will come to understand and adapt his behaviours in a similar way.

Your DH may be on his best behaviour right now, but what really matters is how he responds when you try to talk about what happened. From bitter experience, you can’t move forward until he fully understands the impact of his actions, accepts that the responsibility lies with him alone, and is able to talk through everything without defensiveness. Without that level of accountability, healing just doesn’t happen.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Isn’t it sometimes just as simple as he fancied her and wanted to cheat. I understand you beleive it was a cry for help and he needed therapy, but sometimes it’s just what it says on the tin. A man being led by his dick.

Here’s the thing,

I’d potentially be annoyed by this “change”. Becuase it’s not for your benefit. Being extra nice now he has being caught, is not being nice. It’s forcing you to feel guilty for not forgiving him. It’s rushing the process for his benefit.

What he should probably be doing is - giving you space. Giving you peace to think. Apologising once, sincerely and telling you to take all the time you need. Did he even leave the house when he was caught? Or has he hovered around like a bad smell, not giving you room to think?

And heads up, he’s not nice. He thinks it’s ok to buy women’s bodies. And he cheated on you. Consistently by the sounds of it.

I’m your circumstances I would ask him to leave and tell him it might be indefinitely.
See how nice he is about that. Does he suddenly start acting like you are being unfair? Then you’ll see exactly how nice he actually is. Because I suspect it’s a load of guff to con you and rush you into forgiving him when frankly, you’d probably be mad to do so.

Of course he’s putting effort in. He’s been caught being a disgusting cheating lech. Give it a year and he’ll be doing the same thing and treating you even worse because you forgave him so he sees you as a doormat to disrespect. He’s doing it to stop you leaving and nothing more.

This.

His niceness is manipulation.

OP, what a massive shock for you and your nervous system. I would highly suggest some kind of therapy after this kind of thing, as it can actually cause PTSD. Speaking from experience. I stayed, he continues to keep up the effort 18 months later, I can't tell you whether this will happen again. But, I took a leap of faith, and we appear to be getting on ok. Its hard sometimes with obvious trust issues, but that was in the agreement of me staying and seeing how things went really. Actions are louder than words.

I’m not excusing what my dh did - it was incredibly hurtful, and I’ve never said it was a cry for help. Understanding the emotional place he was in doesn’t make the cheating acceptable, but it does help me make sense of how it happened.

After 25 years together, I know he’s more than the worst choice he’s ever made. I can hate the behaviour without hating him, and that’s simply the path I’ve chosen. It took a long time to get here, and I completely understand why others feel differently.

I’m not judging anyone else’s response to cheating - I just wanted to explain where I’m coming from and why understanding our patterns has helped us, whatever happens next.

I respect everyone’s honesty here — even the hard stuff to hear. It’s made me look at things differently and I appreciate that.

You deserve better, and he knows it - hence the perfect man act.

Next time, he'll just be more careful.

I wish you well, OP.

I discovered my husband cheating nearly 15 years ago.

I posted on here at the time. I was given lots of advice and lots of support and a few posters who claimed to have trodden a similar path and saod things - made observations and predictions that felt like nonsense at the time.

I know some men might be like that, but he isnt

How can complete strangers claim to know his intentions so confidently?

They're projecting their own experiences onto mine and it's not relevant

But they were right about absolutely everything.

Don’t let him rush you into anything. He isn’t owed forgiveness.
Tell him to go stay elsewhere for now whilst you decide on what you want the next steps to be.

If he refuses to go or argues about this, he is not sorry.

If he seems to agree at first but then keeps pushing you to take him back at the pace he wants, he is not sorry.

If he doesn’t give full transparency (eg: tells lies to downplay things that you later catch him in) then he is not sorry.

If he tries to blame you in any way for his behaviour, he is not sorry.

If he tries to use the kids to get you to forgive him or make you feel bad for not, he is not sorry.

I mean realistically of course he isn’t sorry anyway because if he was then it would have been a one off thing and the guilt would have made him feel so bad he never did it again. But incase you’re in a position of desperately wanting to overlook that, you’ll still see the truth in patterns going forwards.