Can a relationship recover after discovering my husband was messaging women?

[NoisyGreyBalonz]

Not sure what I’m looking for here really, just some advice from anyone who has been through similar.

I’m in a long-term relationship with kids and recently found out my husband had been messaging and engaging with other women, including paid services. It completely knocked me and I’m still trying to process it.

What I’m struggling with is that since everything came out, he’s been putting in more effort than ever — more affectionate, more present, actually seeming like he wants me. In some ways I feel more connected to him than I have in a long time, which is confusing given everything that’s happened.

At the same time, I still feel hurt, unsettled and unsure if this is genuine change or just temporary because he’s been caught.

I’m not really looking for people to tell me to just leave — I know that’s always an option. I’m more trying to understand whether relationships can genuinely recover from this, especially when it involved that level of betrayal.

If you stayed, did things actually get better long term? Did the effort continue or fade?

Ps: you also talk as if it hasn’t been good for a while…so why keep him around regardless? Only points in a partner is that they make your life better. This guy seems to make it worse. And it’s not good for the kids. Because seeing their mum choose mediocre (and now, cheating mediocre at that) makes them think that the bar should be that low for relationships. And also, that they can be shit partners too.

Don’t accept less.

I commented earlier and assumed he was ‘just’ messaging women.

Then I re-read and realised that he has physically had sex with other women.

And I’ve re-read again to read that this was with prostitutes / sex workers…..

I don’t know if it was my slow processing or the language used is minimising - so this is a hard no - most of these women are trafficked, coerced and raped by gangs - and then by your husband.

Maybe you should retitle your OP to say - has anyone come through when husband has used sex workers / prostitutes.

I suspect you are in deep shock. The rage will erupt shortly. Take care of yourself

"more affectionate, more present, actually seeming like he wants me"

But do you want him, and if so, can you list the reasons why? Not to us - but can you give yourself a list of reasons that mean he is worth it? Reasons that are about him, as a person, rather than generic? Reasons why he (not the he he could be if he were a better man, but the he he actually is) is worth your effort, and you swallowing your pain?

There's always exceptions, but mostly I don't think they do recover. It's like a poison that will forever stain your relationship with them. Every time someone mentions people having an affair or doing inappropriate things, you'll be thinking that applies to you.

In some ways I feel more connected to him than I have in a long time, which is confusing given everything that’s happened

It almost sounds like trauma or hysterical bonding, but remember - this isn't some kind of random difficult event that you're handling together as team. You're the victim of his behaviour, and the reason why you feel connected to him is because he's behaving differently (which won't last for more than a few weeks, months at the very longest btw).

You'll know if your relationship has been forever poisoned if the person you're with has behaved in a way that would have ruled out having a relationship with them, at the very beginning, when you first met them, if only you'd known what they were going to do in future. It means your fundamental understanding of them has changed and has to be pieced back together again afresh, and either you accept you want to be in a relationship with that new person, or you don't. Most people don't, but they end up doing it anyway because they're scared of being single or other consequences.

Let's take the fact that he had sex with prostitutes out of the equation, which is unforgivable particularly as it put your health at risk - would the past you have wanted to date a man who always had his tongue out at various women, thought that making sexual comments towards other women was ok, thought it was ok to give them his details, message them sexual or intimate things?

I'm guessing probably not, because your past self wasn't as attached, had a clearer head, and maybe a better self esteem.

I have had a similar situation too. I was advised to leave but decided to stay. I now see my husband through completely different lenses. I guess I enjoy the fruits of his labour ie. Lovely holidays, expensive cars, lovely house etc. However if a new man appeared I wouldn’t hesitate to have an affair. Far from ideal but there we go. Good luck with everything, you will eventually find your own path.

From the Emotional Affair Journey website, this guy had an affair and made the mistake of doing what your husband is doing now and praying that would do the trick and thought it was enough:

“Doug here.
Let’s talk about one of the biggest roadblocks I see in affair recovery, and one I personally hit hard:

When the unfaithful spouse doesn’t fully understand what the betrayed partner is going through.

Not because they don’t care or they’re cold-hearted or evil. But because they just… don’t know how.

And instead of leaning in and learning, they default to doing things like…

• Fixing stuff
• Making breakfast
• Loading the dishwasher with Olympic precision
• Trying really hard not to mention the affair ever again

I know this one inside and out because I lived it.

After my affair, I was basically the king of acts of service. Every day I was packing up Linda’s school stuff, making her breakfast, folding laundry like I was auditioning for a parenting blog.

Part of me hoped if I did enough, maybe she wouldn’t bring up the affair again.

Maybe she'd feel better.

Maybe I'd stop feeling so much shame.

And while my intentions weren’t terrible, I can tell you that approach doesn’t heal anything!

Healing requires empathy and it requires understanding.

It requires learning how to actually show up for the betrayed partner in the way they need and not in the way that makes us feel less guilty.

So if you're the unfaithful spouse - or you're trying to help them figure this out - here are 3 truths to tattoo on your forehead:

1. What your partner is going through is a completely normal response to a life-altering trauma.
2. They need space (and time) to grieve, rage, question, and fall apart.
3. You can be the one who helps them feel safe again, but only if you learn how to do that.”

So if he’s now the transformed King Of Good Deeds, he’s not what you need. Acts of service and attention are not enough now, he doesn’t get to ‘pay’ for what he did by just being a good boy and hoping it will all go away.
He has to be the King of Honesty and work on why he did this, how to help you heal and how to ensure he never makes these choices again. That’s the hard work you need to see.
For understanding reasons why you feel the way you do currently, read about hysterical bonding, plus look up Michelle Mays “The Betrayal Bind” which uses attachment theory to explain the way we are caught in a traumatic situation where the person who was our usual source of safety and comfort has become a source of pain and danger. We are naturally drawn to them for comfort but simultaneously repelled by what they have done, incredibly difficult and confusing.
Saying sorry and being a better husband and trying harder in the marriage isn’t enough, the marriage per se is easy to improve. The damage from his cheating is far harder to repair and needs specifically dealing with. All he is doing now would be great if he hadn’t cheated, but he has, so that damage needs repairing separately and playing nice doesn’t cut it. Hard work ahead or the marriage won’t survive. Sorry OP.

Was your husband using prostitutes / sex workers?

I’ve had a similar situation. I spent a year trying to decide whether to stay or leave. He would also. behave like mr nice guy, unless I brought the issue up and then he suddenly didn’t want to go over it all again. The final straw was when he rolled his eyes at me when I tried to communicate with him about it. I asked him to leave (and he has now) and ge resumed the same behaviour right under my nose, knowing I knew. It’s all an act. Without rea meaningful change over the long term and full transparency, being nice means nothing. A man who does these sort of things doesn’t care about doing the right thing. They continue, knowing that they are deceiving you whilst lying next to you in bed and playing happy families, That takes a certain type of person. Give it a couple of months after staying with him and keep bringing it up and you will see he now wants to put it all in the past…after a token bit of therapy of course, which he won’t truly engage with. If you stay as I did got a while, your self confidence will drop and you start feeling like you’re not enough. Tell him to go fuck himself and you will soon see his true colours.

I stayed...initially. and I really wish I hadn't wasted those extra years of his 'I've changed' act while he continued to do it while finding new and creative ways to hide it better.

Regardless if they actually change (and I don't believe they ever truly do - someone like this inherently lacks integrity and morals) - once that trust is gone it will never be the same again.

@Ballyhoo no he wasn’t using sex workers but messaging women on phoney dating apps, wasting a lot of money but nothing physical. I’m sure about this as all the sites were for entertainment purposes only, he just didn’t know it 😂

So I don’t then think your situation is similar to @NoisyGreyBalonzas her DH has been paying for sex with prostitutes / sex workers. I don’t know if you would have had a different initial response to your DH if you were faced with those circumstances.

OP I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
I have been there and I stayed but it would have been far simpler to walk away. Things will only get more tangled and complex.
my advice (which I wish I had had the guts to take at the time!) would be to leave.
Yes, recovery is possible but it’s a mindfuck and nothing will ever be the same again (ask me how I know!).
Good luck

Why would you want to carry on when he's done that? And surely things would never be the same again.

Definitely didn’t ever really improve, and there are three parts to it

1. his misbehavior showed the level of contempt he held me in
2. the being husband of the year showed he could turn it on when he chose, but basically he chose not to, and gave me less than the absolute minimum in terms of pleasantness and respect.
3. I basically couldn’t look at myself when I was with a man who was prepared to use prostituted women. For my own self respect I had to end the marriage.

I just wanted to gently clarify something it didn’t involve sex with sex workers. It was two hand jobs and some explicit messaging/photos. Still hurtful, but just wanted to be accurate.

Why the bloody hell should the OP consider couples counselling? Christ - this isn’t her issue or problem - only by proxy as he’s dumped it on her!

No woman should be going to counselling because a bloke has been caught having a bit of extra curricular. Just get rid of him as painlessly as possible

I need to correct this because there are some serious assumptions being made.

He has not had sex with other women. What actually happened was messaging, explicit photos, and two instances of receiving hand jobs.

I also strongly disagree with how you’ve framed this. These were adult women providing a service that’s their job. It’s not accurate or appropriate to label what happened in the way you have, and I’m not okay with that being projected onto my situation.

I’m here trying to process what actually happened in my relationship, so I’d appreciate it being kept to the facts rather than escalated into something it isn’t.

I understand the concern, but I’d prefer not to have my situation reframed in that way as for changing the title of my post I do agree with you.

How is receiving two hand jobs not having sex with another woman? He may not have penetrated anyone but this is still sex/cheating in most people's eyes.

It's still sexual activity with a sex worker and that very much constitutes infidelity in my book. I'm not sure why you're seeking to minimise his behaviour - your original post title is misleading as what's happened here is more than just messaging other women (as if that isn't bad enough)

100 percent it’s still cheating but wanted to clarify it wasn’t sex itself.

100 percent agree

Adult woman giving hand jobs are still working in prostitution. Without taking a full life history from them it’s unknow if they are coerced, trafficked or economically exploited through poverty to provide sexual services to men for money. Many prostituted women are sex abuse survivors with trauma. There are a complexity of reasons why women are working in prostitution. You are probably trying to rationalise your husband’s actions by categorising sex workers into ‘just giving a service ‘ and other women as infidelity. It’s part of the patriarchal brainwashing woman are asked to accept in these situations.

Your words in your posts were ‘paid services’ and ‘sexual services’.

Why are you choosing to minimise the experience / reality of any sex worker / prostitute?

Have you actually met these women and girls and they confirmed that prostitution was an empowered lifestyle choice for them?

I can understand that you would be in deep disgust and shock over what your DH does. 2 hand jobs is a lie by him.

OP your question does need reframing.
To anyone initially reading the question, it doesn’t say anything about the messages being about arranging meeting up face to face with sex workers for hand jobs.
Your husband flirting via messages with co workers etc would still be cheating, and still a very serious matter, but this is a very different type of messaging and conclusion to those messages.
How you and your marriage recover from your husband messaging other women because a friendship with a woman has overstepped boundaries and got out of hand, for example, is very different from your husband messaging women specifically to get his dick into their hand. Is he being truthful about what actually did happen, how long this has been going on for and how much of a problem it might be for him to stop doing this permanently?
The messages were a means to an end and how you heal from this depends on his full honesty with you, full honesty with himself about the extent of his sexual issues and why he does this, then what he’s going to do about it. Saying ‘sorry, I’ll never do it again’ won’t be anywhere near enough if he is/ is becoming addicted to getting his kicks in this way. Nowhere near.
Don’t get dragged into any counselling for this, you’re not to blame. He’s the one who needs it. Bigtime.
So sorry OP.

Op you may be struggling due to the fact that you had this idea and knowledge on who you thought he was prior to finding out how seedy he was to other women, and most importantly you behind your back, and then its a shock to discover this other side to him, that this is who he is, or at least parts of him, so you are trying to rationalise everything to yourself in the hope you can adapt your brain and nervous system to the aftermath of this, and how you see him going forward. Will you be able to un see what you now know.

The hard part is you are going to want to believe your DP and the changes he is attempting to make in order to keep you. And that feeling of it all being so real the effort he is putting in. The big question is would he have told you what he was up to himself? Eventually?

Or no?

If the answer is no then you will always be wondering what else is he potentially hiding, and at the back of your mind, what he is doing when things are good, normal even. If he is just getting better at hiding things, or if you can truly trust what he is telling you, now and going forward.

Owning up after you found out looks a lot different to owning up by confessing it himself. Two very different things. The other one being damage control by him in order to keep his comforts and ego, the latter one being authentic and honest and genuine remorse.

Seeing these are repeated messages to different women, that is a pattern with intent, and an active need where he didnt consider you or your relationship at all. It was about a need and also, more devastatingly is that he feels this entitlement and some longing to deceit, and may not be so respectful of you when you are not in the room iyswIm, or your partnership as a whole. So no wonder that you are in a bit of a wobble about all this. Its a betrayal, and the question is will it be easier to move from this on your won, or deal with his actions which you never asked nor invited into your relationship. What are the consequences for him really? As I see it they are all on you here.