Can a relationship recover after discovering my husband was messaging women?

[NoisyGreyBalonz]

Not sure what I’m looking for here really, just some advice from anyone who has been through similar.

I’m in a long-term relationship with kids and recently found out my husband had been messaging and engaging with other women, including paid services. It completely knocked me and I’m still trying to process it.

What I’m struggling with is that since everything came out, he’s been putting in more effort than ever — more affectionate, more present, actually seeming like he wants me. In some ways I feel more connected to him than I have in a long time, which is confusing given everything that’s happened.

At the same time, I still feel hurt, unsettled and unsure if this is genuine change or just temporary because he’s been caught.

I’m not really looking for people to tell me to just leave — I know that’s always an option. I’m more trying to understand whether relationships can genuinely recover from this, especially when it involved that level of betrayal.

If you stayed, did things actually get better long term? Did the effort continue or fade?

There are many women on this board who have experienced what you are going through right now and will be able to support and guild you and share their journeys. You need an STI test asap. It’s very simple and confidential to arrange through any local hospital. You will be in shock so please take care of yourself.

I think the issue is that there's 'its not like it was...'ism.

We do that, try to minimise the bad behaviour in the hopes of winding back the clock...of trying to stop the change.

The problem is, it's not about whether it was sex or 'just' a hand job (according to him?) the fact is, people who love us would never do that to us.

And infact .. the fact that this was not a one off blip but a repeated series of behaviour is actually indicative of contempt. So not only is there an absence of love, but, it seems also, a presence of hate.

And personally I've learned to get as far away as possible from people who demonstrate hate towards me. As fast as possible.

The fact he's acting all nicey nicey now...is actually quite insidious when you think about it. Like a cat playing with a mouse.

You know what I might do in your situation if I didn't want to leave straight away... I'd make a list of behaviours from him that have demonstrated love versus behaviours that have demonstrated hate. Or even just think of behaviour he has displayed over the years and ask yourself if it's in line with hate or love.

Or even to simplify, find yourself a quiet place, maybe after you've been for a run or done some yoga or whatever you do to quiet your mind. And then ask yourself in your head, 'how does he really feel about me?'. Your gut will tell you the answer. You could also ask 'how do I really deal about him?'.

This is what happens to our minds and body when in shock. Please take care of yourself: I would prioritise getting professional emotional support for yourself.

the brain’s threat system activates:

• The amygdala detects danger and triggers a stress response
• Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline surge
• The prefrontal cortex (which handles reasoning and reality-checking) becomes less active
• The hippocampus (which helps form coherent memories) can be disrupted

The result is a kind of mental “overload.”

What shock feels like (emotionally and physically)
Shock is the brain’s way of buffering that overload:

• Emotional numbness or feeling “detached”
• Difficulty processing what’s happening (“this doesn’t feel real”)
• Reduced emotional intensity (like a protective dampener)
• Physical effects: dizziness, fatigue, shallow breathing, or feeling spaced out

It’s essentially the nervous system hitting a temporary protective pause.

What denial is doing
Denial is closely related but more cognitive:

• The mind filters or rejects parts of reality to reduce distress
• You might intellectually “know” something happened but not feel it fully
• Thoughts like: “There must be a mistake” or “This isn’t permanent”

This isn’t lying to yourself—it’s the brain controlling the pace at which you absorb the truth.

How long it lasts
There isn’t a fixed timeline, but typical patterns are:

• Acute shock: minutes to hours, sometimes a few days after a major event
• Denial/numbness phase: often days to weeks, occasionally longer

It depends on:

• the severity and suddenness of the event
• your prior stress levels and coping style
• whether you have support
• whether reminders keep re-triggering the response

Some people feel “fine” initially and then experience stronger emotions later—that’s normal.

When it shifts
As the brain stabilizes:

• the prefrontal cortex re-engages
• emotions become more accessible
• the reality of the situation is processed more fully

That’s often when feelings like sadness, anger, or anxiety begin to surface more clearly.

When to pay attention
Shock/denial can last longer or become problematic if:

• numbness persists for many weeks or months
• you feel chronically disconnected from reality
• you can’t function day-to-day
• or symptoms resemble trauma responses (e.g., intrusive memories, dissociation)

That's sex with sex workers.

Just not PIV sex.

OP very few people confess spontaneously to secret behaviour, compared to the number of those who get discovered.
The nature of being able to engage in secret behaviour of any kind for a period of time, is that guilt and conscience start to suffer from a kind of repetitive strain injury. They’ve crossed the line so often, that guilt and shame have less and less impact with the repetition of the secret behaviour. As it progresses, it becomes easier to cross the next boundary and starts to escalate. Add the possible internal narratives created to try to excuse/ justify this eg “We don’t have sex often enough” or “it’s not really cheating, it’s sex workers, not an affair, it doesn’t mean anything” plus minimisation “I’m not exploiting anyone, they get paid.” “Loads of people do it.” And guilt no longer adds pressure to the situation or hits hard enough to become unendurable and prompt a spontaneous confession.
People who just confess through conscience are the unicorns, the rarity.
The vast majority of secret behaviour gets discovered, or is confessed to under threat of revelation by a third party. Many cheated on people find out that the sudden ‘confession’ along the lines of “I can’t do this to you any longer.” was actually prompted by an OW or OM threatening to spill the beans themselves.
Confessing on discovery when the game is finally up, whilst nowhere near as noble as a conscience-driven confession, is better than gaslighting and denial on discovery and if full honesty and commitment to change follow and continue, then the relationship stands a chance, unless the betrayed considers the breach of trust too far or does not believe that the unfaithful is sincere or can change at all.
I fear he’s in denial about how far out of control this is and in the face of incontrovertible evidence that they met up face to face, has decided that the ‘least bad’ activity he could own up to is a hand job. It sounds like minimising to me.

Paid workers - 🤢

Game Over!

No he won’t change . He’s making more effort because he’s just been found out !Getting therapy for his behaviour is just his way of avoiding responsibility
He’ll carry on making the effort until you forgive him and then he’ll relax as he’s got away with it . He’ll continue to cheat & treat you like shit over & again until you eventually kick him out or leave

I’ve seen this scenario many times in my life and not one relationship has lasted after this level of betrayal .

How do you know it was only hand jobs? There’s every chance he was hanging out the back of them!

I doubt he stopped at hand jobs from these poor women 🤢

Sorry you’re going through this OP. There’s a better man out there for you (if you want one).

No, no and no! Sorry OP but the HJ ‘confession’ is total bullsh*t. He’s saying this as it’s the lowest on the touch scale he thinks he can get away with…

Confession is hyphenated as it’s not a spontaneous disclosure, he’s been forced to admit something and this is what he’s came up with.

It’s actually sad reading how much you’re enjoying his attention and adoration now, it means you’ve been starved of both for a long time, and this is now enough as his penance - sorry to tell you but it won’t last. This is again him protecting HIMSELF - he needs you on side so you don’t tell anyone and blow his cover as a REsPecTaBLe mAn 🙄

There is a very good chance he did this before you met. He is also unlikely to give it up.
i guess the question about whether it can recover depends upon whether you can get to a stage where you are comfortable with what he has done and will be doing.
I had a similar situation. We stayed together and the distrust eroded our relationship entirely. We seperated 17 years ago (after about 8 years of trying to make it work) and it was the right decision.

sorry it’s not more positive.

doubt it was ‘just’ a hand job. He’s just admitted (under pressure) the least offensive of what he thinks he can get away with. No good will come from staying with this man. Even if you have him on a leash that tight he’d never get away with sneaking off again. The surveillance level needed from you, to feel even remotely at ease will destroy you from the inside out

The key word of your post is “recently”, OP.

They’re all the perfect man right after a marriage-ending-level fuck-up on their part, when it looks like they’re going to lose their service female and have to start again with half their assets gone.

Then, after a few weeks the level of attention drops, a few comments start sneaking in about how they know it was wrong what they did but it might not have happened if they did feel so neglected, and the queries start about when you’re going “get over this and move on”.

I personally wouldn’t forgive and forget. That’s me. He’s being nice as he was in the words of Kelis, caught out there. Up to you though.

That’s bad enough! Even if it was just with sex workers. For me the trust would be gone. He’s lied. You could build the trust back up but is it worth it? The constant doubt in your mind? Jumping whenever his phone pings?

F yeah. STD test.

Why are your posts chatGPT, OP?

A friend of my DB’s cheated on his wife with sex workers, sex. He was also an alcoholic and they had a young daughter. Luckily she had her self worth divorced him and remarried a lovely man. Not easy for her. He carried on cheating. After their marriage ended. Now lives in China with his girlfriend.

Do you really want to handhold the Traitor to whats best for you?
when you couple you become half of something but you could be whole.
The whole truest loyal essence of you while your years are young sunk fallacy is just that.
How could he do this to his best friend and warp that relationship. He stepped over a line long before you discovered he had you boxed in.
Outside of the mantrap lays the life without the inner critic.
Oh and get the STD test handjobs be blown because you like to be thorough tell him because you are no longer hand holding him through a disaster of his own making. Traitors don’t deserve trust and intimacy well he is going to have to pay for that in more ways then one!
You are never going to have to be bought, you won’t have to swallow your thoughts ever again be free and nobody’s fool you’ll thank yourself in the mirror when the work is done you will be able to look yourself and love in the eye sincerely he will never be able to do that again. Self respect to you and everyone who deserves it .