(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

That must be really confusing for you, that you know he doesn’t want you to have your own bank account but believe that if his daughter said “my boyfriend won’t let me have my own bank account” he would say to her how unfair and controlling that is?

Doesn’t that show you that he doesn’t value you in a genuinely loving and kind way?

Our children learn from what they see as much as from what they are told. His actions very often don’t match his words x

This is not meant to be amusing but I laugh now with a sense of relief.
I used to be a huge fan of Princess Diana. On the anniversary of her death we were talking about how the public reacted.
He couldn’t stand the Royals, but told me him and his mate went up Kensington Palace.
I thought, well that was very nice.
He told me that him and his mate worked out there would be loads of vulnerable women around and they both got a shag each night they were there.
He thought this story was hilarious.
When we broke up he said, as he was a few years younger, that I might have been attractive when I was younger but all I’d get over 40 was a charity shag hump and dump.

I think you might have the wrong idea on the thrill of the chase. I always thought it was about the exciting part of a new relationship when you get giddy to see them and know if they like you back, when a crush turns into a real thing, you are so full of endorphins, dopamine and excitement, the heady falling in love feeling. Not about sex. I’ve just chat gdp it and it followed my breakdown.

On the Clare’s law thing, he would only have visa issues if he had convictions, proven in a court. It doesn’t mean the police don’t have a file on him, allegations etc. I think you need to be brave enough to ask.

Ugh that’s awful!!!

Honestly, I think the Clare's Law is a distraction.

If the record shows he's been accused before, it'll be very easy for OP to rationalise and justify it away if she so wishes ("oh, that was when he was young! He's changed! He deserves another chance! He would never do that particular thing now!")

And if it shows he's never been accused, then it'll be very easy for that to make OP doubt herself and the realisations she's coming to, and to take it as a sign that he isn't a bad guy and she must be wrong about him, or should give him another chance.

But ultimately, whether or not any woman has ever reported this man before, what matters is the way he's groomed and abused OP, kept her in a state of emotional dependency, and continues to sexually control her.

Whether or not he's flagged via Clare's Law isn't going to change any of that.

It is, but it's not really any different to a 30 year old bloke doing the rape manual techniques on a very vulnerable18 year old woman.

Yes all round confusing for me , every day! I never know what I’m going to get with him.

Although now I’m reading parts of this book some things in our relationship are making a lot of sense !!!

This is just horrendous to see it written down.

a lot of these things I think he still , consciously or not, thinks and believes

Agree with this. Thrill of the chase that exciting bit before you become an actual couple - wooing in old fashioned speak. That dance around each other knowing there’s a spark and seeing what it turns into. It’s nothing to do with pressuring women into giving in to sex against their will.

Im 60 years old and I’ve never dated anyone with the misogynistic attitude this man has. It’s so far from the normal way men think about women they’re attracted to.

I do think OP your rose tinted glasses are starting to fall away meaning the red flags are becoming visible.

You are now starting to realise this predator targeted you and groomed you as a teenager. He knew what he was doing from day one. You have literally never had an independent adult life to discover who you really are. He’s stolen that from you

Clearly I have some very unhealthy attitudes and I do understand that it’s not all men of course, my dad and other family members are not controlling in the same way and not misogynistic- that I know of.

But pretty much all the men I have been romantically involved with, dated or even had a ONS with (albeit not that many and not for a long time!) have been to a more or less extent like this.

am I just unlucky? Or is it actually a higher percentage of men that do actually think like this?

Because of my trauma I am terrified of ‘strange men’ and for a long time I didn’t like to walk any distance alone and would ask him to come and meet me/walk me home. So even though I’m not realising things are wrong at home i always felt he would keep me safe from other men. And it feels nice to have someone looking after you after that kind of trauma.

But you were a teenager probably dating immature young men not fully grown adults with a healthy fully developed attitude towards women and relationships.

Honestly I’m almost twice your age and I don’t know anyone with this so called classic male attitude. My own DS is 21 and I would rip him a new one if I ever heard him speak about girls in that way and so would his father

I would encourage you to take a look at the shark cage theory. I will see if I can find it.

Its might explain why youve encountered alot of predatory men, and how they have got hooks into you where other women would have batted them away because they spotted the red flags. Its like a red flag blind spot.
Its not your fault, but there is something around boundaries that you dont know how to enforce, and it usually stems from childhood - and not necesarily an abusive one, just a bit of the puzzle your childhood mind didnt get quite right.

https://thesharkcage.com/ thesharkcage.com/]]]]

actually this explains it better
https://ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/ ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/]]]]

Poet, you're not unlucky, but it will may take a few counselling sessions to figure this out. From your posts alone I can tell you're vulnerable, don't have great boundaries and are a people pleaser. This will attract abusers. This isn't your fault, it's probably not something you're even aware of. It might also be that you have met decent men when you were younger but perhaps haven't been interested in them or they haven't been ardent, pestering and pursuing so you've thought they weren't interested in you. Also you've only had one relationship as an adult and you were barely an adult when it started.

I used to go out with a lot of horrorshows (none quite as bad as yours) well into my 20s but once I eventually figured out what I was doing and why I was doing it I looked back and realised that there had been nice men around too but my own unhealthy view of relationships stopped me seeing them as potential partners.

This is interesting
thank you for sharing ❤️

I agree actually, it’s more useful in assessing a new partner you have concerns about I would have thought. PinkPoet already knows what he’s capable of and what he’s done to her - if they split up, a future partner of his would not have that on a Clare’s Law application either.

I think the scales have come off @PinkPoetAgaiin eyes, the Clare’s law is a bit of a red herring, but useful in seeing the overall picture, assuming something is on there. If it was me personally I’d just want to know everything, maybe it’s worth discussing with the therapist. How many sessions have you had? I think you mentioned that you weren’t sure they were the right fit.
I think all information just adds to the arsenal of strength she’s going to need to be able to leave.

Seconding the shark cage analogy. It's a great explanation of how previous abuse, experiences or upbringing can make us attractive & vulnerable to predators.

The irony is you aren’t safe with this “saviour”. In fact he’s deliberately put you in a far worse position because he’s trapped you. He spotted this opportunity and he’s moulded you to suit his wants and needs. He’s taken over your life to the point that you haven’t questioned anything until now. Got you pregnant early on, and continued a series of pregnancies over a decade. Made you utterly dependent on him to the point that you are not able to lead an independent life. You can’t even arrange your own therapy without asking permission. He must be so proud of himself.

You need to speak to Woman’s Aid. This is a complex situation and a group of well minded women cannot sufficiently help you here. You need specialist help. WA is completely confidential. There should be no worry about being exposed. You need in person support from them, if you’re not prepared to speak to your family about it.

I’ve never heard of this book, but it sounds absolutely vile. And it really reflects badly on the DH that he’s so invested in it. Shocking.

But pretty much all the men I have been romantically involved with, dated or even had a ONS with (albeit not that many and not for a long time!) have been to a more or less extent like this.

In addition to the shark cage analogy as to helping explain this, your experience of romantic interactions with men has been quite limited. You haven't had, as would be common these days, one or more long term relationships in your twenties prior to settling down. I'm assuming you won't have had the opportunity to cultivate any male friendships of your own either. So you are extrapolating your own very negative but also very limited experiences to the wider world and using that as a rationale for why the alternative is even worse than what you currently have.

The thrill of the chase is not a phrase for no reason is it.

What chase? The 'thrill' part in the chase is in not knowing whether or not you are going to successfully capture the prey. That's why it's called the thrill of the chase, not the thrill of the capture.

He knows he's going to capture you so there is no thrill in the chase for him. It's a means to a guaranteed end. He's not doing it for the chase any more. He knows you will submit. That might even be why he's escalated it to something else that thrills him, like your lack of consent.

A lot of women don’t get this either, unfortunately, PinkPoet isn’t alone in this at all. As I said, my DM was always thoroughly convinced that a husband couldn’t rape his wife. ‘Lie down and think of England’ was her advice to me when coming to terms with my CSA and unable to face sexual intimacy. It was disastrous as it caused me panic attacks when I tried.

It’s beyond depressing that this belief about sex is still so prevalent, despite the Me Too movement.

Don’t blame yourself. So many young girls have been prey.

I remember hearing of Durham University male students going after first year girls and calling it ‘Seal Clubbing’. It is a monstrous culture.

You sound like my friend - she finally divorced her abuser - he was controlling. She now has a wonderful partner. She definitely has disordered thinking though and often asks me if her reaction to something is standard.

I am older than you Op, didn’t meet my husband until I was 31. He has NEVER pressured me to have sex. I feel so sad that you think his abhorrent attitude towards sex is ‘typical’ for men.

I never seen an adult be so angry that they threw something and it smashed. I feel lucky that I haven’t been in these situations. But OP you know this isn’t right. You are married to an abusive rapist.