I found out on Valentine’s Day this year that my partner had been cheating on me. For about six weeks, he had been messaging men on Grindr and exchanging explicit messages and photos. Some of the messages included making plans to meet up (for oral), although he says he never actually went through with meeting anyone.
The way I found out was completely by accident, I went on his phone (we’ve always been very open with each other’s phones) to send myself some pictures, and I saw the app. I read the messages and was completely blindsided.
What’s made it harder is that, during that time, I had even jokingly asked him after a dream about cheating, and he reassured me so convincingly that he would never do that. So there was also a layer of lying directly to my face.
Everything blew up. I left that night, my family and friends found out, and understandably they all think I should leave. Even his mum has said she worries more about me staying than anything else.
He’s since started therapy (a few sessions in), and I’ve started therapy too. We did have a holiday booked shortly after everything came out (end of March), and we still went. I’ll be honest, it was amazing. Since then, he’s been the best partner he’s ever been. It feels like he’s really trying.
But I can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right.
I’m struggling with a few things:
- The betrayal itself, especially how easily he lied at the time
- The fact this was ongoing, not a one-off mistake
- The confusion around his sexuality, he now says he’d label himself bisexual if he had to, but insists he has no desire for a relationship or sex with a man, and that this was more about the “thrill” and validation
- The worry about my future, we were talking about mortgages and kids before this, and now I find myself questioning what kind of situation I’d be bringing children into
On the surface, things are “better” but internally I feel anxious, unsettled, and like I’m waiting for something to click one way or the other.
There’s also the added pressure that my family and friends don’t support the relationship anymore, and I worry that even if I stay, that will always hang over us.
I suppose my question is for those who have stayed after infidelity:
- Did that underlying feeling go away?
- Did trust genuinely rebuild, or did you always feel slightly on edge?
- How long did it take to feel “normal” again, if at all?
I know it’s still early (around two months), but I don’t want to ignore my gut if it’s trying to tell me something.
Any honest experiences would be really appreciated.