Can trust return after discovering my partner was messaging on Grindr?

[PoliteBird]

I found out on Valentine’s Day this year that my partner had been cheating on me. For about six weeks, he had been messaging men on Grindr and exchanging explicit messages and photos. Some of the messages included making plans to meet up (for oral), although he says he never actually went through with meeting anyone.

The way I found out was completely by accident, I went on his phone (we’ve always been very open with each other’s phones) to send myself some pictures, and I saw the app. I read the messages and was completely blindsided.

What’s made it harder is that, during that time, I had even jokingly asked him after a dream about cheating, and he reassured me so convincingly that he would never do that. So there was also a layer of lying directly to my face.

Everything blew up. I left that night, my family and friends found out, and understandably they all think I should leave. Even his mum has said she worries more about me staying than anything else.

He’s since started therapy (a few sessions in), and I’ve started therapy too. We did have a holiday booked shortly after everything came out (end of March), and we still went. I’ll be honest, it was amazing. Since then, he’s been the best partner he’s ever been. It feels like he’s really trying.

But I can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right.
I’m struggling with a few things:

• The betrayal itself, especially how easily he lied at the time
• The fact this was ongoing, not a one-off mistake
• The confusion around his sexuality, he now says he’d label himself bisexual if he had to, but insists he has no desire for a relationship or sex with a man, and that this was more about the “thrill” and validation
• The worry about my future, we were talking about mortgages and kids before this, and now I find myself questioning what kind of situation I’d be bringing children into

On the surface, things are “better” but internally I feel anxious, unsettled, and like I’m waiting for something to click one way or the other.

There’s also the added pressure that my family and friends don’t support the relationship anymore, and I worry that even if I stay, that will always hang over us.
I suppose my question is for those who have stayed after infidelity:

• Did that underlying feeling go away?
• Did trust genuinely rebuild, or did you always feel slightly on edge?
• How long did it take to feel “normal” again, if at all?

I know it’s still early (around two months), but I don’t want to ignore my gut if it’s trying to tell me something.

Any honest experiences would be really appreciated.

I would say if his curiosity about his bisexuality is so strong that he's willing to risk his current relationship to explore it, then he isnt ready to be in a relationship. Setting aside all the betrayal, lying, sexuality confusion etc - he is showing a clear sign that he isnt ready to commit monogamously to you. I understand that its hard to pull the plug, but honestly, he needs to go away and figure this out by himself, and he would be being VERY unfair to you to expect you to stick around and wait for him to figure it out.

OP, the only bisexuality acceptable on MN is when it’s two women.

When it comes to men they must be gay.

Do you think his mother was already aware he might be interested in men?

If he's seeking out oral with men he could still be bi and not gay. Just for clarity.
Im bisexual, in a relationship with a man, if i broke up with my partner and started sleeping with a woman I wouldnt suddenly be gay. I'd still be bi. Obviously thats not the main point here but its a common misconception from people that bisexuality have 'now gay' if they are currently with a same sex partner and just wanted to clear up that its not how it works. If I die never sleeping with a woman ever again, I will still be bi.

There are some people on mn who think infidelity and lying is ok if you're bisexual. Have never understood this. Trying to tell someone that being bisexual doesn't mean automatically unfaithful is better timed BEFORE you have cheated on them with someone who has qualities they can never replicate. If you do it after you've been unfaithful it doesn't really ring true does it.

Additionally being homosexual is still not 100% socially acceptable even if it should be, so you would be short sighted to discount the idea that someone gay might be trying to mould themselves into something they're not by going out with you if you discover they've been same-sex unfaithful.

He says he didn't follow through. Do you believe him? I'd always have that niggling doubt.

So, unless you're so chilled to the point of being horizontal and don't really care about it I don't think you can rebuild that trust 100%

I think people are conflating what gay and bisexual are on this post. But that aside, let’s say he is bisexual and not gay, he’s been going behind your back to exchange sexual messages and images with men online. Whether it’s a man or a woman, how could you possibly trust him again? I’m struggling to wrap my head around why you want to stay tbh.

I think it’s very telling when even his own mother thinks you should leave.

It doesn't matter whether he's bisexual or gay or straight or whatever. It's entirely irrelevant to the conversation @PoliteBird .

What's relevant is that he cheated on you. Even if he never actually met anyone (which I very much doubt), he still cheated on you. And felt absolutely no remorse about it until he got caught out.

I'm a bisexual man, and in 20 years with DP I've never wanted to go out and shag someone else, male or female. I've never felt like I'm missing something because I'm with DP, and not a man. Being bi isn't a magical get out of jail free card for cheating. It's just as much of a twatty thing to do no matter your sexual orientation.

Dump him OP. He disrespected you, destroyed your ability to trust him, and probably put your health at risk. Why the fuck would you give him another chance?

I read this and all I could think was Phillip Schofield. You can’t compete with another man. You will always wonder if he has explored that side of himself. Please listen to your Mum

This is spot on. I do think people can change and this could include those who were unfaithful. However he is battling w 2 things here, his sexuality and his fidelity.

Whether trust can be rebuilt in this context is quite a big ask ... and you have to be prepared for a long and difficult journey. Is this worth it? If you had kids and a long marriage, potentially it may be. But what if you commit to another few years and then he betrays you? Is it worth taking the chance ? Is he worth it?

He's bi, okay. But he lied to you, you asked him about cheating and he cheated by going online and messaging graphic, sexual messages. That's cheating, no grey area. He didn't flirt with a lady in Tescos, he messaged about sexual fantasies. It doesn't really matter what his sexual preferences are, he lied, he cheated. You just forget about it, it'll be in the back of your mind forever. He will get bored and tempted again, he wants to explore his homosexual side. He might have internalised homophobia and he's telling himself he should be with a woman. Move on, it will hurt but you'll be glad you did in a few years time.

Please tell me you’re joking. No it absolutely cannot

He fantasises about giving oral to a man. This won't ever leave him, however you should leave him.

Raise your bar OP.

This man wants to have sexual encounters with other men. This is not something you will ever be able to offer him as a female so he will just betray you and cheat on you again.

he says he never actually went through with meeting anyone.

I wouldn't necessarily believe him but even if it is true, one day he will. It's an 'itch' he'll one day have to scratch.

Leave, OP. Even if he is the kindest, sweetest, most thoughtful and affectionate partner in every way after this - you will never, ever be able to fully trust him. Men who are caught out only admit as much as they think they can get away with - I wouldn't be surprised if he'd done more than just this. If you stay, he'll eventually turn it on you - he'll find a therapist, or a group of friends, or both, who tell him that he's struggling because he's confused about his sexuality and actually you're being really mean to not allow him to express that. Everything will ultimately be your fault - if you have a minor argument, you'll be thinking 'is he off to suck some NSA cock in a car park?'.

You will never have a moment's real peace if you stay with him, OP. His utter lack of respect towards you says everything about him and nothing about you. You deserve so much better.

You can frame it how you want but he is seeking a homosexual dalliance and that’s an issue

But you would be in a gay relationship so it’s hard to argue that you’re not gay if you’re in a same sex relationship. I don’t have a problem with any of it but honing in on the fact he might be bi while he is pursuing same sex relationships is not the issue. The issue is he is on grindr. If sometimes you’re a pedestrian and sometimes you’re a motorist if you get caught speeding you can’t argue you’re a pedestrian if you’re currently behind the wheel of a car

Nope.

No. Cut your ties now before getting married and having kids. He is in the closet...or maybe just enough so he can bag a wife and have some kids first.

Heterosexual men do not go on Grindr for a "thrill". He's lying to you and to himself probably. You have no mortgage together, not married, no kids, I can't see any reason you would stay. Get out now and build a life with someone who wants to be in a committed relationship with a woman. Otherwise I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of hurt in the next few years.

The devastation he has caused to your relationship is just a symptom of the problems he has.

This will not get better because he has not addressed the cause. He is still saying he had no intention of having sex with men. He is still lying to himself so he can never be honest with you.

This is not your responsibility to repair. It’s not your responsibility to fix him. He will only keep hurting you.

Move on.

Whether he’s bi, gay, straight but ‘curious’ - he’s a liar and a cheat. Don’t stay in a relationship with him.

This isn’t even just about the trust between you both… he’s obviously attracted to
men and that won’t just go away because you found out.

I would be in a same sex relationship, but I still wouldnt be gay because I would still fancy men. I was trying to help you understand that element of it rather than zeroing in on this situation as such, because your understanding of bisexuality isnt correct.