Can trust return after discovering my partner was messaging on Grindr?

[PoliteBird]

I found out on Valentine’s Day this year that my partner had been cheating on me. For about six weeks, he had been messaging men on Grindr and exchanging explicit messages and photos. Some of the messages included making plans to meet up (for oral), although he says he never actually went through with meeting anyone.

The way I found out was completely by accident, I went on his phone (we’ve always been very open with each other’s phones) to send myself some pictures, and I saw the app. I read the messages and was completely blindsided.

What’s made it harder is that, during that time, I had even jokingly asked him after a dream about cheating, and he reassured me so convincingly that he would never do that. So there was also a layer of lying directly to my face.

Everything blew up. I left that night, my family and friends found out, and understandably they all think I should leave. Even his mum has said she worries more about me staying than anything else.

He’s since started therapy (a few sessions in), and I’ve started therapy too. We did have a holiday booked shortly after everything came out (end of March), and we still went. I’ll be honest, it was amazing. Since then, he’s been the best partner he’s ever been. It feels like he’s really trying.

But I can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right.
I’m struggling with a few things:

• The betrayal itself, especially how easily he lied at the time
• The fact this was ongoing, not a one-off mistake
• The confusion around his sexuality, he now says he’d label himself bisexual if he had to, but insists he has no desire for a relationship or sex with a man, and that this was more about the “thrill” and validation
• The worry about my future, we were talking about mortgages and kids before this, and now I find myself questioning what kind of situation I’d be bringing children into

On the surface, things are “better” but internally I feel anxious, unsettled, and like I’m waiting for something to click one way or the other.

There’s also the added pressure that my family and friends don’t support the relationship anymore, and I worry that even if I stay, that will always hang over us.
I suppose my question is for those who have stayed after infidelity:

• Did that underlying feeling go away?
• Did trust genuinely rebuild, or did you always feel slightly on edge?
• How long did it take to feel “normal” again, if at all?

I know it’s still early (around two months), but I don’t want to ignore my gut if it’s trying to tell me something.

Any honest experiences would be really appreciated.

I’ve said this before on another post given an experience I had with a boyf , but essentially men who are bisexual tend to do a couple of things. By the time it’s later in life they become full homosexual. That desire does not wane. Secondly, when they are in denial, as your partner clearly is given he was on the app but claims he wasn’t going to follow through, they are much more likely to engage in risk taking behaviours as they consider themselves on the whole straight.

This is a serious red line and I don’t see how you come back from it

You can forgive, but you never, ever forget.

@PoliteBird

No, don't stay. He might try to keep you happy for a while but it won't last. Do not have children with this man OP. He will bring you nothing but unhappiness and disgust. And get yourself an STI check now.

Some men are bisexual but it is a well known fact its much easier to get a quick hook up when it's 2 men. So if they are bisexual and going to cheat, it not necessarily because they would prefer to be with a man but that its easier and more guarantee of sex.

I honestly don't think it means definitely gay.

He wants the one thing you cannot ever give him.

There is nothing you can say that will convince me that a married man pursuing blow jobs from men isn’t gay.

You want kids and marriage. You'd be crazy to stick around to try to have that future with this man.

You're lucky this has come out before you got to that stage of commitment.

For goodness sake, use the information you have been given to make a sensible decision. Imagine him cheating on you when you're 8 months pregnant or have a newborn. He's shown you he's interested in playing away. This is a gift he has given you.

It's madness to stay with someone who has already shown you he cannot be trusted.

You should at least start married life confident of his fidelity and attraction to you, not already having had it demonstrated to you that he's untrustworthy.

This one's a dud.

Whatever his sexuality or curiosity, you deserve better than a cheat.
Imagine waking up with him every Valentine's Day wondering where his mouth has been?
Give yourself better.

As someone with a lot of gay friends, grinder is flooded with ‘straight’ men looking to have some fun, while also having the wife and kids at home, getting the best of both worlds! So many of they are not carful either in terms of protection! I’m astonished how many straight men look for casual sex on grinder! If he has these urges now, it’s only a matter of time before he will fulfil them, which always leads to needing more, till it becomes and regular thing! Don’t be his beard, as scary as it is to start life again on you own! Your future self will thank you!
I found tinder messaged on my ex’s phone and after the 4th time I wasn’t even that hurt/ shocked! I was an idiot for not ditching him the first time, but I was scared to leave! Now I’m engaged to the love of my life and the thought I could have been stuck with there fills me with dread!

Then you are choosing to stay ignorant.

Please do not ignore your gut, your friends, your family, his mum(!) and everyone on this thread. Please end this relationship today and start your own therapy to work through why your self esteem is so low that you would continue a relationship under these circumstances. He was on a hook-up app arranging sexual intercourse with other people while in a relationship with you. This alone is 100% grounds to immediately leave and block without looking back. Not only this, but he is definitely gay or bisexual and clearly wants and needs to explore this side of himself. Great, well done him, but do you really want to sit around in case he eventually decides to choose you? No heterosexual man decides to contact other men on grindr just for a 'thrill'. If they want a thrill they book an extreme sports holiday or sign up for an iron man contest! Please don't waste any more time on him. LTB. Next!

Therapy won't make him not gay. Don't buy a house or have children with him. Even if he loves you he will do this again.

Rip the plaster off. You will be ok. Better than ok.

Yes, he does.