How can I tell my boyfriend his affection feels too intense?

[Adias42]

i need help with how to say/word this to my boyfriend.
we have been together 4 months, he is really great, we get on so well and I do really like him. However he is quite intense at times with his affection.
some examples-
he wants to hold hands all the time. I don’t mind this but he wants to do it walking round Tescos while pushing a trolley, that’s ridiculous to me.
if I’m making a cuppa he’s standing with his arms wrapped around me waist, head snuggled in to my neck. Impractical but also annoying.
he is so keen for eveything but not in a normal way. If I say can we stop at the shop en route home he will say “I’d love to do that with you beautiful”
he will repeat the compliment if I don’t always respond, I think he thinks I didn’t hear it.
if we’re having a chat, even his a little chit chat about our days he will sit facing me holding hands with such deep eye contact. This is ok for some chats but not these ones.

im maybe making him sound awful. Hes ‘normal’ 80% of the time but the rest its this intense stuff and I dont like it.

how can I say this to him without hurting his feelings?

Have you known him longer than the 4 months? This is just so over the top and I felt my chest constrict reading it.

Ooh no!! This is scary OP!

Thanks for your concern. Genuinely doesn’t feel scary and I’d consider myself clued in to abusive/controlling relationships. It’s more someone just super keen and wanting to ge it right I think

O no! If you feel that you can't say anything, then that's a red flag. If you want the relationship to continue, then you are going to have to tell him that he is too intense, but I'm not sure that would be able to change. Throw this one back, it's only been a few months.

If he can’t see that he’s being incredibly suffocating, and you don’t feel able to just say frankly ‘Look, stop with the smooching and handholding — it’s a bit much when I’m pushing a trolley or making a cup of tea’, I don’t think this relationship has legs.

I’m not scared to tell him or talk to him. I’m just asking for advice on how to word it sensitively without totally ending the relationship

" I really like you, Paul, but your over the top affections are off putting". Should do it.
You're not a prop in his fantasy. Speak up for yourself. By not doing so he thinks you like it.

I think it will wear off, 4 months is still a pretty new relationship.

But if he can’t listen to you, understand that the demonstrative affection is suffocating and say ‘Sorry, will dial it down’ without throwing some kind of strop and ending the relationship, surely this isn’t someone you want to be in a relationship with?

Well exactly

Can you use humour?

This sounds ghastly and there is no tactful way of raising it. You will have to tell him clearly that he's being creepy , put up with it or leave him. I suspect he's doing it because he thinks it's romantic rather than because he really loves popping into Tesco's with you
which shows a lot of insecurity and also insensitivity because he hasn't noticed you dislike it.

Yes he think it’s romantic.
it’s just a bit OTT. He asked me if I needed anything in the shop as he has called in and I said yes (a drink). And when he came round he said he has to stop at 3 shops as they didn’t have it. I didn’t want it that bad. 3 shops was excessive

You need to tell him ‘it’s lovely that you are affectionate but i find it a bit embarassing walking around Tescos holding hands. Also i feel i tense up when you don’t give me space when i do simple things like make tea. It feels too intense, can we dial that down a bit because i feel it is actually pushing me away from you’.

Nice, simple and open. If he reacts positively then he’s just trying to get it right and is freling a bit anxious about it.
If he starts blaming you for lack of attention and proving that ‘that’s what all normal couples do’, watch out. That would be signs of trying to control you and overstep boundaries.

He might be a bit clingy, that gets rather weary over time but hopefully that is just him being really into you and trying to get it right.

His reaction to you bringing the issue up will tell you a lot.

He sounds like a lovesick teenager. Assuming he’s not, this would be pretty nauseating.

Just tell him, he’s too much and it’s off-putting.

Mine is a bit like this. Together 3.5 years both late 40s. I just make it relaxed and am like ‘woah, personal space please’ and we laugh. We sort out our issues while walking and it just ends up naturally being talked through and resolved

He's desperate to keep you but he's driving you away by trying to please you all the time. You will have to tell him and see how he copes with hearing it and trying to change

My DH was a bit like this at first, 20 years ago! Though probably not quite as intense. Just very romantic and super into me and it was absolutely suffocating. I can’t remember exactly, but I think I was just quite frank with him that he was driving me crazy. It clearly didn’t end the relationship, though he is still a lot more romantic than I am.

His behaviour reminds me of a character in a book I enjoyed reading called, ‘The Sleeper’ by Emily Barr. The two main characters start out are similar to what you describe with one being more affectionate. Great book.

I would tell him that he is being too intense and that it is freaking you out a bit. If he takes it on board and alters his behaviour, then it is all good. If he gets very upset or angry, then you know it is time to end the relationship as it will never work

Yes I know I need to say something as it’s bothering me a lot

I would tell him it’s too much. If he tries holding your hand say ‘don’t be daft I’m pushing the trolley’, or if he’s gazing too intently point it out and tell him it makes you uncomfortable.

Nauseating, scary, and suffocating. I'd tell a clinging child like that to do one.

Unless you are the best actress ever, are you not bothered that he hasn’t noticed you hate it?

Is he also clingy in other aspects? Example, if you are going out with friends, seeing family etc is he constantly changing messaging you? Asking you to change plans