Can I really tell my Dad to stop coming round?

[Aurora24]

My DH is on the autistic spectrum. He does not like me having people come to visit, his words are home is his space, he also works from home, and doesn't like that you don't know how long someone will stay. He will let his ex wife and kids come around and I persuaded him to let his mum come to see me once a week.

The problem is my Dad recently turned up spontaneously (it was my birthday). My DH was not happy but let it go. Now my Dad has suggested that he may pop by again as he is working in the area.

How on earth do I manage this? It feels very rude to tell my dad not to come round because my DH doesn't like it?!

Surely it’s your home too? Why don’t you get a say in who visits?

It’s your home too , he needs to accept you will have whoever you choose to visit do so. Could you limit time in the house to say half an hour then go out for a walk together ?

It’s also your space too. Autism doesn’t mean you can make unreasonable and controlling demands.

I really hope you aren’t planning on telling your dad he can’t visit?!

How long have you been together? Yes, it would be rude and probably be hurtful for your Dad. It's your home too. I wouldn't put up with that.

I think it’s reasonable to ask your Dad to let you know when he’s going to come round, so your dh can make plans to be out of the way if he wishes.

He is very controlling and blaming it on autism, it’s not your home if you can’t have visitors.

Neurodiversity doesn’t give you a free pass to be controlling.

It explains why he thinks a certain way, and that needs to be managed and coped with-it isn’t a right to bend others to your will.

It’s your home too, your DH is being very unreasonable.

Wait...he LETS his ex wife and his kids (presumably) to come round but not your dad?? His autism is very controlled in his favour eh? Tell him to fuck off and stop using autism as a smokescreen to be a controlling man

I think it’s reasonable to ask your dad to let you know when he’s coming round, rather than popping in unannounced.
It’s not reasonable for your DH to say he can’t come round full stop.

To me the compromise is managing the visit. Having a specific time and duration so he knows what to expect. Not expecting him to be present and sociable. But unless you don't want to see your dad, he needs to find ways to cope unless it really will affect him very badly, in which case maybe you can meet at a nearby cafe or park.

Autistic or not….you are expected to welcome the ex wife but you can’t have your dad? That absolutely wouldn’t fly in my house, I wouldn’t agree to it. It IS your house too op?

Op please stop having him pull wool over your eyes. Asd has nothing to do with this. He is a controlling man

Don't let yourself become isolated in your own home.
Its a slippery slope I've seen a couple of friends go through.
One of my closest friends, over time his wife stopped people coming round. Then stopped him going out. All blamed on things like her OCD with words like "it really effects my mental health".
What happened was his mental health suffered and then the controlling got way worse.

It culminated with his mum crying and asking me to persuade him to divorce her. We still worked together so I was one friend he still saw.

When we talked about what was going on he was always defensive of her. I saw no way to make him understand that she was not being kind to him at all.

That all suddenly changed when she became physically abusive. He opened up to what was going on and said it all started so slowly with isolation in his own home.

Im not saying that is where your relationship will go. Just that its a slippery slope when you start isolating yourself in your own home.

It is your home too.
He is your dad!
If that was my dad he would be welcomed anytime.
Your husband is control freak.
I'm sick of everyone playing this autism card.
He is an abusive controlling as@ who allows his ex wife around but not your family.

Set your rules and enjoy your life.

My husbnds step dad is like this, really made it hard for MIL to see her children and grandkids at times! Instead of finding a more reasonable coping mechanism ie going to chill in another room, to shut off the whole house is unreasonable I'm afraid, autism or not. It's your home too, the compromise would he speaking to your dad and saying no randomly popping in but a text beforehand to arrange a visit would he appreciated, he must know when he'll be in the area so a text morning of would give some warning.

I think you need to educate yourself on what it means to be autistic and then re-evaluate what is really going on here.

It’s your home too. Your dad should be able to pop round when he likes.

Just explain to your DF that your DH needs everything to be planned. Being autistic isn’t something to be ashamed about so explain that to your father. Don’t fudge the reason because your dad needs to understand this in the long term.

Your DH isn’t choosing to be like this or expressing an opinion about your father: it’s the way he is. Your DH needs a schedule and notice. It’s reasonable to explain that and ask your father to help by accommodating your DH’s needs.

How much notice does your DH need? If he’s told that your father will be arriving in, say, 2 hours and will stay an hour is that ok?

Can you meet your father elsewhere?

You manage this by telling your DH that home is your space too and he is welcome to go up to his room / into his office when you have guests in YOUR HOME if it is difficult for him. You could compromise by asking people to give you notice yes. If he can’t accept this, ask him seriously if you should explore buying two properties close to each other and be together living apart as you are unwilling to never have guests in YOUR HOME.

Autism, eh? He's being a spoiled, childish brat, more like. Of course, your Dad can visit. He's your dad, and it's your house, too.

He allows his ex wife, children and his mum come round but has an issue with your dad turning up? Nope, I wouldn’t be putting up with this man child’s demands. He can go into his office or another room and you need to nip the controlling behaviour in the bud now before he stops anyone else coming to YOUR home.

Sounds very controlling. It’s your home, as others have said. Of course you can have visitors.

You shouldn't tell your dad not to come. It's your husband's issue to deal with - which he obviously can as selective people already come round.

You need to tell your husband that while you understand his difficultues, he is being unreasonable and that it is also your home, and you have every right to have family visit. He does not get to dictate who can and can't visit your shared home, particularly since he can cope having his ex wife there, has he considered how that might make you feel in your own home?

Then you offer a compromise. People won't pop by without notice (that applies to his guests and yours) And you tell your dad that visits must be agreed in advance.

Talk to your husband and agree how much notice he can cope with. A day? 2? 3? Don't agree anything more than a few days, or you'll find yourself putting visits in the diary for 6 months time!

Your husband has to accept that sharing his life with someone means he can't live on his terms alone and if that is what he expects, then your relationship is in trouble.