Can I really tell my Dad to stop coming round?

[Aurora24]

My DH is on the autistic spectrum. He does not like me having people come to visit, his words are home is his space, he also works from home, and doesn't like that you don't know how long someone will stay. He will let his ex wife and kids come around and I persuaded him to let his mum come to see me once a week.

The problem is my Dad recently turned up spontaneously (it was my birthday). My DH was not happy but let it go. Now my Dad has suggested that he may pop by again as he is working in the area.

How on earth do I manage this? It feels very rude to tell my dad not to come round because my DH doesn't like it?!

Hi OP. It seems like you need a way to merge DHs need for predictability, control over his space and safety in his home with your needs to have family feel welcome in your home.

Neither one of you are being unreasonable but a discussion over expectations would be really good so that each person knows where they stand, otherwise you may constantly feel like you have to manage around him and this could lead to you feeling anxious whenever someone even hints at coming over.

Have a discussion with the aim of agreeing on what works, for example, if it's a spontaneous visit, have a set time for visitors to stay. Would DH like to be sociable during a spontaneous visit or does he normally prefer more advanced notice so will keep to himself.

The above is just an example, but try and map out scenarios in a similar way. This will help both you, he will already know what to expect in different visit scenarios, and you won't tie yourself in knots every time you get a message or phonecall. Clarity in advance is your best friend here.

For this scenario, maybe something like, offering to go for a walk together, you can say DH is working, you would love to see him and could do with some fresh air.

Just cos he has autism doesn’t mean he’s not a dick . As he is. As well as controlling. How dare he dictate who come into your home! Yes he might feel uncomfortable but he can leave, go to his room do anything but what should u and family suffer because of him?? If he wants no one in his home he should be single.
please don’t tell anyone not to visit.

I am autistic so I know how he feels but he also needs to understand that it is also your home and you are allowed to have your family round, ask your dad if he can tell you beforehand if he's coming round so that your husband expects it and can be prepared and can go somewhere else if he needs to but apart from that he can't stop your dad coming to your home, we have my MIL here on Saturdays that has become routine, there has been times when she has just decided to come without saying anything which does throw me off a bit but I would NEVER say she can't come, I just take myself out of the room to deal with the change in routine and then come back in again full of smiles (she wouldn't know it affected me because I don't say anything and it isn't her fault), routine and knowing things in advance is a big thing with autistic people but I also understand I can't be accommodated all the time and so have to learn to cope which I have found ways to. Your husband also needs to learn to find ways of dealing with these things because we can't always have things perfectly planned all the time.

Asking your Dad to let you know when he's coming would be the reasonable compromise. Potentially also agreeing with your DH a maximum time for guests to be in the house, and that he doesn't need to socialise with your guests.
It is not reasonable for your DH to ban your guests altogether.

Just saw about your DH finding it hard not knowing when people will leave. A conversation like "Dad's coming round for tea at 6. He will be away by 9 at the latest" is reasonable.