Can I really tell my Dad to stop coming round?

[Aurora24]

My DH is on the autistic spectrum. He does not like me having people come to visit, his words are home is his space, he also works from home, and doesn't like that you don't know how long someone will stay. He will let his ex wife and kids come around and I persuaded him to let his mum come to see me once a week.

The problem is my Dad recently turned up spontaneously (it was my birthday). My DH was not happy but let it go. Now my Dad has suggested that he may pop by again as he is working in the area.

How on earth do I manage this? It feels very rude to tell my dad not to come round because my DH doesn't like it?!

And what happens when someone he doesn’t agree with comes to visit?

You can tell your Dad to stop coming round at all, but you shouldn't. Popping round doesn't work for a lot of people and asking him to call first and see if it's convenient isn't an unreasonable ask. But to not have him come over at all, unless you hate him, is not on.

Your DH needs to learn a way of coping with you having visitors. You risk becoming really isolated if you don't. Talk about what will help. Maybe have some hard times when visitors will be out by (e.g. if they come in the afternoon, DH knows they will be gone by 6. If they come for dinner, you'll ask folks to leave by 9, 10:30 on the weekend, or whatever works for the two of you. Maybe have a room you don't take visitors to so DH has a place he knows they won't be, etc. But dont' let him completely control the house so that you can't have a decent life and keep up relationships with friends and family.

husbands/boyfriends/lovers/fiances come and go over the years.

Dads are forever.

Welcome your Dad into your home. Your dh will just have to learn to live with it.

Incidently, when someone has Autism, how do you know whether a behaviour is due to the autism or whether its due to being unreasonable?

Autism or not he cant control you in that way. Thats awful.
I have a very autistic teen who does not like people in our home. But they even understand it has to happen from time to time . They just go to another room and put headphones on . They get on with things .

Being on on the spectrum doesn't go very him the right to control everything though.

He can't ban your family because he doesn't like it especially if he works from home.

Compromise but be to ask you dad the let you know a day/ time then you and your H plan how to make it manageable for him.

For example right now my AuADHD child takes himself off to a different room if my friends pop round to see me. He doesn't love random drops ins or planned visits but he works with us because he knows we can't do it all his way.

Surely this is untenable in the wrong run without affecting your relationships. I assume you are happy to have certain people, in this case your dad, pop in. I sympathise with your DH - and give him the benefit of the doubt - that if he feels awkward, he feels awkward and it cannot be helped. But it feels very one sided, where all accommodations are made for him despite those accommodations potentially adversely affecting you. Might be better for your DH (and ultimately you and your marriage) to find a way to cope (can he pop out, hide in a bedroom, retreat to the garden etc) when these sorts of instances occur

You will lose everyone you care about because even if they plan in advance your DH will be against you having visitors. Then he will start stopping you going out to meet them and blame it on him needing control due to his autism. You will be walking on eggshells trying so hard not to make him feel uncomfortable in any way and lose yourself.

This is very true Op, the more your DH shuts out the rest of the world the more your life will shrink. It's your home and your life, don't feel because he's ND that you have to accommodate him to your own detriment

This sounds so horrible. Controlling.

This sounds like one of those “you can be autistic and be an arsehole” moments.

it’s the fact YOU aren’t allowed to have people round. If he was phrasing it like “I don’t want people coming round” you can work with that, but otherwise he’s trying to control and dictate things. Don’t let him do this to you - as others have said it’ll only be a matter of time before you look up and realise your world is tiny. My dad did this to my mum after covid.

I am autistic and people “popping round” can be hard. I think your DH has a right to know and be warned in advanced if someone is coming round, that would be a reasonable request. Saying no one apart from his pre approved visitors can come round is not a fair request.

If my son or daughter told me I couldn’t come round because of their partner I would be really worried that something was going on. I imagine your dad would be the same, and I don’t think he’s wrong. Controlling who and when can come into the house to this degree is controlling, not autism. If your husband can marry twice, have kids, hold down a job, then he is low enough support needs to deal with people in his house for a bit. BTW it’s your house too, it’s not just his house. Sounds like a bloody tyrant and I imagine ex wife is happy she’s free to have the girls round as she pleases.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask your DF to let you know when he’s coming round. I, however, would be very unhappy about having my DH’s ex coming round. You say, “He will let his ex wife and kids come around” - what about you: don’t you have a say in who comes to your home and when? I agree with your DH that people who drop in are intensely irritating - so speak to your DF and tie him down to a time and date. And stop his ex wife from coming to YOUR house! Dropping the DC off is one thing: coming in is quite another.

I absolutely hate having other people in my house. Don't care whether it's my family, friends, DPs, DDs, whatever, I just don't like it.

Guess what, I accept its my issue and live with it. Its DP and DDs home too, and they get to invite people round if they want to. If I wanted to be able to control my space completely, then I'd live alone.

I don’t think you can put this down to Autism if the ex wife is allowed to visit. Ask your dad to give a time (or an approximate one) and tell your husband. Don't ask as it’s your home too!

Your Dad was quite rude in coming round unannounced but I wouldn't let DH stop him from a prearranged visit.

Rude for coming round on his daughter's birthday? 🤔

A lot of people would think that's a nice and normal thing to do.

And a lot of people would find someone turning up unannounced rude 🤔

Sorry I only get a chance to look at my phone of an evening once the children have gone to bed.

I have read each one of your replies and it has been an interesting read. I think I always let things go in the past because of his autism as I guess I felt bad for making him do something he was uncomfortable with, but this has made me question how much of this is due to him having autism but that also irrespective of this it is my home too.

I will admit I am no expert when it comes to autism, my DH has told me lots but I haven't really delved into it myself. It was interesting reading comments from those who also have autism.

I think I have to acknowledge that actually it is making me feel uncomfortable as I'm constantly having to explain to family and friends that I can't have them around, or just avoid those situations. This has got to the point where I was anxious that my Dad called to ask if I was in as I didn't know what to say. I actually lied at first to say I wasn't in until I realised he was sitting in his car outside the house!

Your comments have definitely made me realise that me and DH need to find an approach that works for both of us.

We’re all ND in our house, and no this isn’t the ASD, it’s the need to control because of anxiety which is likely caused by the ASD, but as an adult your DH should be working on ways to cope with this. Controlling behaviour such as this is unacceptable. His views and needs are not more important than yours or anyone else’s that lives in your home. If he doesn’t like people being in his space then he needs to leave the house or stay out of sight. My DH feels socially uncomfortable when we have visitors, and they are 99% usually for me or our children as my DH isn’t from the UK and doesn’t have many friends, so he takes himself off up to our bedroom once he’s said his hellos. I don’t think it would even occur to him to say no one can come here, firstly because it’s not normal to dictate such terms in a relationship, and secondly because I wouldn’t stand for it. In addition, you being on edge and literally telling family they can’t come to your home must be causing them great concern. It’s abusive. You’re anxious yourself because of his reaction. Not right and I think you need to discuss this with him and how it’s making you feel.

*edited to correct a couple of errors

You tell your husband it is your home too and if he doesn’t want to see people he can lock himself in a room somewhere

It sounds like very suspicious behaviour to me to be honest.
His autism doesn't allow you visitors but he can have them. Come on! You are putting up with that shit?

I wouldn't ask dad to let you know before hand UNLESS you want him to. If he turns up when dh is there, then dh can make himself scarce.

We have family popping round unannounced couple of times a month, im not keen on it but they are Dr's family,he likes it, i like it and they've made an effort to keep in touch with us so I accept it it for what it is.

And a lot wouldn't 🤷‍♀️.

Popping in for a surprise visit is very normal for many.

Would you really call your dad rude for coming round on your Birthday? Ffs, what kind of person are you, and what kind of relationship do you have with people? What an oddball.

It's odd to me. The norm for my background is for family just to rock up whenever, not to need an invitation or heads up.

We even just knock and walk in.

I’m autistic. I don’t like unannounced guests and have told everyone not to. My partner (who lives with me) respects that too. Everyone does.

Is it that he can’t cope with your dad coming at all (which is totally un reasonable) or he just wants notice? If it’s the latter just tell your dad that he doesn’t like unannounced visits and can he let you know with x notice. Make it clear you both really want to see him and he’s welcome - its just DH quirk.

if it’s that he doesn’t want anyone there at all he’s being out of order and I would tell him you are ignoring that. Being autistic isn’t an excuse to be an arsehole.