Friend feels “abandoned” by me because I have nearly stopped drinking.

[Capslocksmith]

My oldest friend and I go back nearly 30 years, since school. We’ve been in each other’s lives throughout, and supported each other through a lot: kids, my divorce, her serious illness, job crises etc. We know one another inside out and will always be there for one another.

In the past couple of years I have almost stopped drinking alcohol. I’m not teetotal, I will have an occasional drink in social settings. But maybe once a month. I rarely have more than one unit of alcohol and never get drunk. This is mainly for health reasons: menopause has trashed my tolerance and alcohol makes me feel slow and stupid and critically wrecks my sleep schedule. At the moment sleep is hugely important to me, I have a mental job and I really need to be well rested.

Friend and I used to drink fairly heavily when we went out: up to a couple of bottles a night. It was a lot of fun and obviously it oiled the wheels of conversation so it was very much a part of our relationship.

Now I drink almost nothing she seems to interpret it as a sleight and an attempt to create distance in the relationship. I have talked to her about my reasons for it and she will give me a quizzical look and say I am overthinking or being neurotic.

Its got to a point where she will often ambush me into drinking more than I am comfortable with: ordering an extra bottle when I am in the toilet fpr example and pouring me a glass saying we need to finish it. She bought me a load of booze for Christmas. There’s a kind of “I know you better than you know yourself” edge to it which I find really irritating.

I don’t really know how to handle it. If I tell her I am serious and want her to respect my boundaries on it she just ignores it. I genuinely love her, don’t want to lose her, but I want us to be able to be friends without booze being the main character all the time.

Has anyone ever been through similar? Any advice?

I sympathise massively. Most of my relationships changed to a greater or lesser degree when I stopped drinking. Some people were outright weird and insensitive (like your friend is being), some it was more subtle. But they all changed, and in some cases I've had to emotionally distance.

My top tip is to do no drinking things: coffee, brunch, walks, spa, shopping, anything where people do not normally drink. This might mean drastically altering what your friendship looks like but that's probably preferable to her pissing you off every time you go out.

She is being extremely unreasonable and rude and it's probably because she wants company to drink too much and is upset that she no longer has that in you.

She's uncomfortable with her level of drinking and that discomfort goes away if you drink too. The fallacy of numbers, if x does it too, she can tell herself it's not so bad. There might be someone in her life that is bringing up her alcohol use as problematic.

You're going to have to be straight with her. You drink little alcohol because your body now reacts badly when you drink. Her pressuring you to drink is unhealthy both physically and emotionally and needs to stop now. If she won't stop, you need to see her less. You're having adverse reactions to alcohol which is really common with aging and you're unwilling to endure those.

Can you ask her - do you only want to spend time with me of I'm drunk?
It might be that she wants "cover" to drink a lot so I agree with pp with steering meetups away from booze where you can.

I'm sympathetic as I hardly drink for the same reasons. Would quite enjoy the odd evening being merry but it's just not worth the sleeplessness and pain!

Definitely agree with this. Op have you tried arranging catch ups or going places that don't require alcohol? Have you chatted about how her behaviour is affecting you?

Unfortunately I think you need to take her actions more seriously - she has no respect for your boundaries, which means she has no respect for you as a person.

Its got to a point where she will often ambush me into drinking more than I am comfortable with: ordering an extra bottle when I am in the toilet fpr example and pouring me a glass saying we need to finish it. She bought me a load of booze for Christmas. There’s a kind of “I know you better than you know yourself” edge to it which I find really irritating. Have a final conversation and explain calmly that if she ever does this again, you'll leave.

I understand you have a long and meaningful history, that you love her, but she is behaving very badly and you're letting it continue. Her alcohol issues seem significant, but that's not your concern.

If she was a true friend she would be pleased you are looking after your health and well being and she wouldn't be encouraging you to drink if you don't want to.

If your relationship with her was in any way meaningful it wouldn't need alcohol to sustain it.

Personally I would stop socialising with her if she is going to undermine you . Mix with people who want the best for you.

Fwiw my first H was an alcoholic and he was the most popular guy I knew when the alcohol was flowing. But when the pubs were shut and the parties were over none of them were interested him. They were drinking buddies., not friends.

They were drinking buddies., not friends. This is very common.

I see you've raised the issue and she's ignored your boundaries. I would be refusing any drinks or bottles that were ordered when I've already said no but I don't have a problem with direct confrontation when someone oversteps like she is.

You could try talking to her one last time and telling her your boundary flat out, but she ignores boundaries so I doubt it will be different. I'd only do activities where there were no opportunities for drinking or ease back from the friendship.

You’ve been used by her to prop up her drinking problem. I would further distance myself from her as she will continue to ignore any boundary you care to set.

Things like this really show you who your friends are. I stopped drinking during uni and it was easy to tell the real friends, listened to my reasons, supported me and were happy to still involved me in their outings but buying me soft drinks and those who bought me alcohol, tried to make me drink or stopped inviting me out all together. One really sweet friend didn't want me to you feel left out while they were doing shots so bought me a shot of diet coke! I realise you've been friends for a long time but if they person is not supporting your decision and trying to change your mind having a detrimental effect maybe you should distance yourself. Don't feel obliged to drink alcohol just cos its there or because she bought it.

She’s used you as a mirror to justify her own drinking. It’s really common to lose friends when you stop drinking alcohol.
It makes you realise how much your social life revolved around or relied on drinking.

From personal experience of my partners sobriety, there's nothing like a non drinker to hold a 'mirror ' up to a drinker and it makes people incredibly uncomfortable.
Edit...sorry didn't see the mirror comment directly before

I have ‘friends’ that go back 35 years that are only really drinking buddies. When we went out there was always alcohol involved. We had some brilliant times, but they are not the kind of friends I would meet for a coffee or have a heart-to-heart with. If they gave up drinking I would probably not spend much time with them, or at least we would have to completely re-establish our relationship. I have other friends that I meet for lunch, or go to the theatre with, or share my troubles with.
Maybe this friend doesn’t really know how to be your friend if you are not drinking together.

You not drinking is shining a light on her habits and most likely making her feel uncomfortable. But that’s her problem, not yours.

I had a friend I thought was a best friend for years but when we stopped drinking heavily I realised we didn't really have much to say to each other. It came as quite a surprise! I would try suggesting cafe and coffee meets so you can still chat. If she only wants to drink with you then you might have to reclassify it as only a drinking friendship.

One of my friendships changed a lot when I stopped drinking. I think a lot of people feel uncomfortable drinking alone and whatever reason you give (other than maybe just you don’t like the taste anymore) it makes them think about their health or the amount they drink. I also go home quite early now which I’m sure some people think is boring as I leave when people are starting to have the most “fun”. I just think of it as a different era of my life and while it’s a shame for things to change, it does show you whether someone is a real friend and whether they even like to hang out with other people sober. I think there are a lot of people who don’t think they have a drinking problem but would really struggle to “rawdog” life. I think this friend trying to make you drink more than you want to or buying you alcohol gifts is quite manipulative and wants to be a drinking buddy more than a caring friend

There are lots of options to do things that don’t revolve around alcohol , a craft activity , theatre , cinema evening , coffee date or a nice meal - if she is unable to contemplate any of these to maintain your friendship then you have your answer about her priorities

She is not your friend.

Consuming alcohol at the levels she insist you consume is very dangerous to your health.

I have a relative with alcohol induced dementia. It is awful. She’s damaged more than one internal organ to the point she needs a transplant - yet noone is putting their hand up to donate their organ.

It seems daft to go out to a drinking place with her if you want to change things. She's expecting one thing and you are expecting another. Hence the clash.

Decide what you would like to do instead, as others have said, personally I love going for a proper walk with girlfriends, you get the chat, exercise and fresh air, perfect.

See if you can find a new way to spend time together. Hopefully you will still like each other and she will stop trashing your boundaries!

I swapped out my friendship circle entirely when I stopped drinking.
Complete life overhaul. Never looked back.

Tell her you think she is abandoning you because she won’t stop drinking

I did try this once and this is where the slightly weird narrative about her knowing better came from. We went to a pub last year for a few drinks: I said at the outset I only wanted a couple. She said fine. She ordered a bottle, which was OK because I knew we'd get through it. After we'd had a couple of glasses each she tried to pour the remainder into my glass and suggested she have it. I said I didn't want to finish the last bit in the bottle she said: "you know you're taking this to extremes, don't you?" With a knowing look.

I've explained that its not a judgmental thing, I genuinely find alcohol doesn't agree with me but I think she is struggling to believe this.

We do stuff like this, with our kids, who get on well.

I think the problem is we don't have much time on our own without our kids/partners. When we do get a bit of time to ourselves she gravitates to drinking because she associates it with "adult time".

But possibly I might have to suggest we do this around coffee or something instead of a pub.

Respectfully, she is a friend. She's the person who above everyone else will be there for me.

The alcohol thing is problematic but I still get a huge amount of joy and benefit from this relationship and I'm not about to drop her.

Respectfully, she is a friend. She's the person who above everyone else will be there for me. She's not really acting like a friend - friends should respect you and support you in healthy choices.