Friend feels “abandoned” by me because I have nearly stopped drinking.

[Capslocksmith]

My oldest friend and I go back nearly 30 years, since school. We’ve been in each other’s lives throughout, and supported each other through a lot: kids, my divorce, her serious illness, job crises etc. We know one another inside out and will always be there for one another.

In the past couple of years I have almost stopped drinking alcohol. I’m not teetotal, I will have an occasional drink in social settings. But maybe once a month. I rarely have more than one unit of alcohol and never get drunk. This is mainly for health reasons: menopause has trashed my tolerance and alcohol makes me feel slow and stupid and critically wrecks my sleep schedule. At the moment sleep is hugely important to me, I have a mental job and I really need to be well rested.

Friend and I used to drink fairly heavily when we went out: up to a couple of bottles a night. It was a lot of fun and obviously it oiled the wheels of conversation so it was very much a part of our relationship.

Now I drink almost nothing she seems to interpret it as a sleight and an attempt to create distance in the relationship. I have talked to her about my reasons for it and she will give me a quizzical look and say I am overthinking or being neurotic.

Its got to a point where she will often ambush me into drinking more than I am comfortable with: ordering an extra bottle when I am in the toilet fpr example and pouring me a glass saying we need to finish it. She bought me a load of booze for Christmas. There’s a kind of “I know you better than you know yourself” edge to it which I find really irritating.

I don’t really know how to handle it. If I tell her I am serious and want her to respect my boundaries on it she just ignores it. I genuinely love her, don’t want to lose her, but I want us to be able to be friends without booze being the main character all the time.

Has anyone ever been through similar? Any advice?

I get that. I think posters upthread have it right that she has a problematic relationship with alcohol and feels judged by someone who previously used to make her feel comfortable about her alcohol intake.

I've had alcoholics in my life (was married to one) and I know the psychology of drinkers feeling uncomfortable with non-drinkers, particularly ex drinkers who have stopped or moderated. I don't think she's consciously trying to sabotage me, I think she thinks I'm going through a phase and I'll snap out of it.

I think it's a case of steering her towards settings where alcohol isn't involved and seeing what happens.

@Capslocksmith
I think your last post nails it.

I've got a good friend and we used to frequently get hammered together, but luckily we both coincidently cut down at the right time, otherwise I think it really would have caused the same problems and pressure.

Drinkers do not like to drink alone.

She sounds like a shit friend. I don’t drink anymore. I’d be ditching this one or offering myself up for coffee only until she stops being such a twat. My guess is she’s struggling with alcohol herself and this is her way of projecting all that.

Thanks all; its quite eye-opening to realise most people think this is unequivocally shit behaviour. I knew it made me uncomfortable but I thought I was overthinking and maybe being a bit of a control freak.

This happens a lot. It is changing, because many people now have more diverse friendship groups. Probably in another generation or two, it'll be more socially acceptable, but now a lot of people suffer from the "it's weird", "never trust anyone who doesn't drink"-usually I don't hear this outright, but it's funny how some friends stop contacting those who have given up drinking.
It might be making her feel uncomfortable because it's challenging an addiction (a lot of people who say they have no alcohol issues actually do), or she feels you're judging her, even if you're not. Talk it through, but she must respect your view.

@Pistachiocake

Talk it through, but she must respect your view.

Your post is spot on and I agree that attitudes are changing, but we’re in our late 40s and definitely of a generation where heavy alcohol consumption was ignored or tacitly encouraged. The world we grew up in was soaked in alcohol. We weren’t the worst of it.

I have talked it through with her and her response is to give me a slightly arch, knowing smile and change the subject. When I have pressed her she’s made it about the fact that my job is a nightmare and that I am deflecting. My job is a nightmare (another story), and this is probably a factor in wanting to drink less because I need to be mentally sharp all the time.

But its not the whole story and even if I wasn’t struggling at work I wouldn’t want to be drinking heavily. It genuinely is a health issue and I think she’s struggling to believe this.

I think I just need to hold the line because she either doesn’t get it or pretends not to.

Its got to a point where she will often ambush me into drinking more than I am comfortable with: ordering an extra bottle when I am in the toilet fpr example and pouring me a glass saying we need to finish it. She bought me a load of booze for Christmas. There’s a kind of “I know you better than you know yourself” edge to it which I find really irritating

She has a drinking problem OP, and she's having a sulk because you're making it difficult for her to hide it like she used to. It's that simple. That's why she's being pushy about it.

She's accusing you of abandoning her which is manipulative nonsense, when actually, it is her who will likely leave your 'friendship' and your life eventually, but she wants to place that responsibility and burden on your shoulders before she does.

I recommend that you accept that this relationship, whatever it was, is coming to an end.

you could have the most ludicrous reason in the world for wanting to cut down and she should still be respecting it. I wonder if part of this is because you've been close for such a long time - ie, she wouldn't try this with someone she knew less well. I hope she gets on board soon.

Have you tried not drinking any alcohol when you're out with her? That was my solution in a similar situation with a particular friend. I found it much easier to say that I was totally off the booze than to have one alcoholic drink and then have to deal with, go on you can have one more etc.

No, perhaps I should do that.

As you say it is harder when you’re drinking a bit because it’s much easier for her to push the boundaries.

The thing is I am perfectly content to have a couple of drinks if it is literally a couple. I still enjoy a glass of wine. It seems unnecessarily pointed and hardline to sit drinking a Diet Coke if she wants a glass of wine. But its always “let’s have a bottle, its cheaper,” and then it’s another bottle etc.

But you’re right it’s probably got to be all or nothing.

I’m sure that’s right. There was a big gang of us when we were younger (one has sadly died, another one moved abroad and the other two live in different parts of the UK so we rarely see them), and it was always based around drinking. It seems to tie in with our history.

I think I just need to hold the line because she either doesn’t get it or pretends not to.

I think this is right, and one way of holding the line might be to ask her which it is -- Is it that you just don't get it, or are you pretending not to? (But in a softer form of words perhaps.)

It sounds like you have a good relationship, that you are non-judgemental of her and that she, despite resorting to this behaviour, has a genuinely caring attitude to you. I imagine that she actually does get it, and knows that she is being a bit disingenuous and unkind, but feels too embarrassed to acknowledge all of this because she is genuinely worried about how much she depends on alcohol to let go and have a good time.

I wonder if there is any way that you could communicate to her that it isn't really all that shameful to acknowledge a bit of a problem, a bit of inner conflict about drinking -- not in order to suggest that she drinks less but just to normalise the issue and get it out in the open. In our own heads we can make the issue seem so large and shameful that it seems better to deny it altogether, but once its out there it feels much 'safer' to acknowledge the problem.

I don't think you could give her that message explicitly, but perhaps you could communicate it by chatting about your own steps away from alcohol?

She's an alcoholic and she needs you to drink with her to validate her own consumption. Not sure what the solution is other than to be t total around her so she can't pour you 'one more drink' after you've told her you've had enough.

Like you I rarely drink because in the last couple of years I’ve had some health issues, am menopausal and have a very stressful job, so alcohol makes me feel dreadful and wrecks my sleep which I don’t need on top of the rest of my challenges.

I have changed my social life to daytime coffees instead of evenings apart from theatre trips or gigs where I need to drive anyway and so I still see people - I just don’t get pressured to drink.

My best friend has always been teetotal and in the 23 years I have known her, I have not once suggested she has a drink. It feels so weird that anyone would!

As other posters have suggested, it’s about her relationship with alcohol. Maybe having absolutely no alcohol would stop her pushing the boundary of one or two drinks.

I still don't get why you are going out drinking with her when you don't want to drink!!

Think of something else to do. There are loads of other adult things to do! 🙂

I suspect that you tackling your drinking is possibly forcing her to confront some uncomfortable truths about herself. Also, she’ll be used to the two of you relating to each using alcohol and you stopping has made her feel insecure.
You need to stand your ground on this. I like someone else’s suggestion of only doing things that don’t involve alcohol but I suspect she’ll catch on quick and that doesn’t tackle the problem head on. Talk to her about it again, reiterate your reasons. I’m afraid it might come to a head if she tries to sabotage you again, but that might be whats needed here to make her see sense.
‘Why did you order another bottle when I was at the bathroom? I told you I was only having one and I’ve explained why. What’s going on with you?’.

You are only limiting your own drinking, not hers. A control freak tries to control other people and situations. You're not doing that.

Because as explained I am not averse to having one or two alcoholic drinks. I don’t feel I need to avoid alcohol altogether as I don’t feel like I have a dependency or a problem. I guess I thought she would be OK with that but it’s increasingly clear that she is not.

I know you said that she’s your friend but respectfully, she is not acting like it at all. The ‘knowing smile’ and changing the subject while still ordering another bottle is so out of order it’s unbelievable! I can’t imagine any of my friends behaving like that ( and I don’t drink anymore either)

Why does it always have to be wine? Can’t you have a short or a beer/cider so she can’t bully you in to drinking more than you are comfortable with?

Can you simply leave the ambush glass untouched over the rest of the course of the evening? Maybe just order an alternative non-alcoholic drink in addition to it and drink that instead?

I'm the same age as you, OP, and also cut down on booze for the same reasons. I have lost one friend who clearly found my newfound ability to stick to one glass of wine a massive turn-off, but everyone else has been fine.

I think you will just have to keep reiterating that your decision is entirely because drinking makes you feel physically crap these days, rather than any sort of moral crusade. And as others have said, suggest non-drinking social opportunities.

I had a heavy drinking friend group. Damn, those girls could put it away. If you couldn't hack 3-4 trebles as a warm up, you were a light weight.

One night a girl told me she was drinking soda water and pretending it was a treble vodka. She'd 'hidden' her car a few streets away as she was sick of the negativity that she got for driving on a night out.

Neither of us see them any more.

What would she say if you said you were giving up completely for awhile or just not having anything to drink that night because of a big day tomorrow?

I think this is really piss poor

My brother gave up alcohol one year because of marathon training and then he never really went back to it

No one said anything! He feels better not drinking But still has the odd one

I just can't understand why it would be a big deal
My Besty drinks a lot I don't drink really a lot and some nights. I'm not drinking at all.

I just don't understand why it matter

I feel like she needs to give you an explanation to be honest I'd be pushing for one and I want to know that what the knowing look is about

If you tell her you're giving up drinking, I have a feeling she's gonna say you have a drink problem that she suspected it all along or something

She isn’t a friend

I had a group of friends where our social life centred around going out out. As we got older a few of us slowed down, some didn’t. If I just had a couple I’d get ‘don’t be boring’ I’ve had friends get me a double when I asked for a single. Looking back it makes me angry that I allowed my self to be pushed around and conform to some social expectation.

Now I often drive and I’m very firm if I’m not drinking. Thankfully as we have got older the couple of friends I still see don’t behave like that (or stopped)
Why isn’t your friend happy for you to be you? Why does she want to pressure you? She sounds selfish. I think I would say “I don’t enjoy going out for a drink with you anymore because I feel pressured to drink more than I enjoy that’s not fun for me “