My gentleman boyfriend.. why do I feel like this. Am conflicted, please advise.

[alestro]

My boyfriend of two months is a gentleman to his core. Old school,gentle and kind . The type who opens the car door for me before I get in, walks on the outside of the path, tries to pay for our excursions and activities ( I insist on paying some) and I am so far away from being treated like this in the past.
I like it but it’s overwhelming . Not the extent that he does kind and nice things, but tha he does them, as a rule .
I’ve been abused, cheated on, tricked , lied to and left all my life, by every man from my father to my husband .
We get on like a house on fire, the sex is off the charts and we’ve so many shared interests and values.
I am hyper vigilant looking for red flags, love bombing, future faking… you name it ; but nothing so far.
we both have our adult/ teen children with us, we both work full time and family and friend are everything to us so what the hell is wrong with me ???
Im mad about him , seriously attracted to him, admire and respect him and adore being in his company . He’s consistent, mature but patient in that sometimes I can’t meet or need to change plans( big plans) last minute and he’s so relaxed and kind about it all.

please talk sense into me! What’s wrong with me ?

Maybe it is just your trauma…or maybe there’s something underlying that your gut has picked up on? Two months isn’t long at all for a man to act well. I hope he is a good one though!

Hi @alestro ... Sorry about your difficult past, but glad to hear that it is behind you, and now you seem to be living a happy life. Look, if you are used to being treated badly, it's not hard to understand why you and your brain would kind of have a challenging time normalising the - well - normal. The kind, the positive, the caring. As long as it does not interfere with how you act, you know, your past trauma caused by others making you treat the new partner in a weird way, it is fine. I see a lot of people punishing new partners for their ex's behaviour. Which is the dumbest thing anyone could do, but hey, you don't seem to do that, based on what you say above.
Have you processed everything from your past, maybe with therapy? If not, it could be useful for your current relationship and your overall peace.
Also, just a smidge of realism. It is a two-month relationship, of course he is a mega-gentleman. I am not saying he would become less of a gentleman later, but his extreme niceties will not be so stark at all times.. Maybe that will help your vigilance a bit.

You're suffering from a fight or flight reaction based on previous trauma, and you can't relax your vigilance. Much like the way a prey animal is constantly on edge and looking out for predators. Everything is a threat until proven otherwise.

Totally understandable, and it will fade in time. Be kind to yourself, and accept your feelings for what they are - an instinctive reaction.

You seem to be placing him on a pedestal, where he’s the prize, with yourself several rings below him who is in awe of this amazing man. This isn’t a very healthy basis for a relationship.

It’s only been 2 single months, you hardly know each other at this stage. Even the most awful men (not suggesting he is!) can keep the mask on for such a short amount of time.

This. Exactly.

He sounds lovely but it's only natural that considering your history you are hyper vigilant. Your body is still on high alert and in full self protection mode. For now try not to predict the future, take each date as it comes and see how you feel. Don't rush, its still very early days so remain cautious and allow things build slowly. Hopefully your anxious feelings will settle but they are there for a reason so please don't think there's something wrong with you.Take your time! As you get to know him better and he continues to treat you well you should start to feel more secure.

You are on high alert, which is totally understandable. Maybe take a mental step back and try to become more casual about the way you are thinking of the relationship and how it may develop.

What happened to his children's mother?

I agree with PP saying be careful about having this man on a pedestal. Best case scenario he's an actual gentleman, and even if so, that's... normal, should come as standard, it's no reason to place him above yourself and make you repeatedly question what's wrong with you. Worst case, he's is on his best behaviour waiting for the mask to drop.

We don't know, it's two months in, be cautious, let things be and hold your bar if his behaviour stars concerning you.

My boyfriend of 7 months was a bit like this for first few months. Now I’m getting to know him there are a few iggles/issues but nothing I can’t really get over or look past.

It can be hard dealing with a nice person and their behaviour if you’ve only ever had nasty ones and bad behaviour on the past. Maybe read a book or watch podvasts (don’t know which one) on how to move on from abusers. Also it’s only been 2 months, everyone is super nice at the start.

While you're obviously enjoying this relationship so far, his behaviour towards you sounds both patronising and controlling. He's taking charge of things. I'm sure you're perfectly capable of getting in and out of a car on your own, and you should - especially at this stage - be paying your way. Walking on the outside of the pavement may sound like it's protection, but actually it's also signalling that he's superior to you and knows better than you.

You describe it as old school - I'd say patronising (at best) and controlling at worst.

Are you ready to date? Be completely honest with yourself.

It sounds like you're idolising perfectly normal traits and behaviours i.e. not getting angry when plans change, good sex, kindness. And accepting other behaviours which could be controlling. This adoration is not healthy and sets up an dynamic where you see him as super human when he's probably just ordinary/flawed. This can lead to an unequal relationship.

You should be enjoying getting to know him at only 2 months in and - understandably - your past trauma means that you're instead creating a precarious narrative around him instead.

I had a DP who had a background of abuse and abandonment.

He constantly tried to prove that I didn’t love him , that the relationship could be good. He did things to sabotage my feelings “see! Look what I’ve done now! Now you will abandon me / hate me like everyone else!’ Because he couldn’t trust that he could ever rely on anyone.

Is it scary that this man feels ‘too good to be true’ so you can’t relax into it?

So I think there are two possible things here.

One is chaos and drama is so your normal that you are struggling when someone is actually kind and respectful.

But the other is it can be controlling. I have the loveliest kindest Dh ever, who is so respectful and dependable. But he doesn’t run around opening doors for me or paying for everything. That would feel patronising and give me a bit of a funny feeling. Because for me that would feel a bit unequal and that’s actually not very respectful if you want an equal relationship.

I think only you can decide which of these it is though.

Thank you. I’ve done a tonne of trauma work and therapy and know I’m deserving . I do not have him on a pedestal , I’m simply stating what’s in front of me but I’m def finding it hard to accept such a high standard of treatment which on paper , I know is expected normal behaviour in the early stages at least.

a high standard of treatment

But is it though?

It is as high as I’ve ever experienced in my
life

If he has a good relationship with his adult children that’s a massive green flag. Also how does he talk about his exes? You might have just found a decent relationship and maybe it will take you time to relax into that

FWIW, I don’t think he is better than me or anything to that effect. He is just an entirely different type of man than I’ve ever dated before that’s all.

I don’t know how old you each are, but this man is behaving like someone born in the 50s. He might be being polite and it might be your discomfort with being treated with unfamiliar courtesy that is unsettling you.

On the other hand, keep an eye open. It’s well known that the safest way to keep a woman out of the way is to place her on a pedestal. What you are looking for is equality. So that’s what you should be investigating: what are his views about that and does his behaviour occur with what he says? How does he talk about his previous relationships?

His children come and go to/ from his home. They’re educated and working but they’re extremely close . He has not spoken badly about his ex wife or ex gf . He has however been truthful and his story lines up with what I’ve been told by his old
colleague.

We are both mid fifties. Equality has been discussed and I expressed and explained that it is a top
prioroty for me and since then we had equality in effort/ time/ paying for the needful etc.
I quite like the chivalry though but it’s just so new and different to anything I’ve ever had before .

I don’t mean discuss it. Nobody is going to say they’re against it, are they? Well they might but that doesn’t concern this situation.

It’s not what people say in a discussion that counts, but small comments and inadvertent actions. That’s what tells you. Not you telling him it’s important and him agreeing.

When DH tried the car door opening thing on me (in the love bombing phase) I felt infantilised

Unless he is very old or from a different culture, behaving like a “gentleman” as you call it, is an affectation that from some reason he has chosen to adopt.
Sorry, but I would consider that this is a possible red flag. I would be on the lookout for this to gradually evolve into controlling behaviour.
The opening doors or maybe helping you with your coat is one thing. Walking on the outside of the pavement? In this day and age? Nobody naturally behaves that way these days. It’s contrived and possibly performative.
This might not mean anything, but personally it wouldn’t sit right with me. I would hate to have these sorts of arbitrary “rules” imposed on me.
I know it’s hard when you don’t trust your own judgment due to trauma or negative experiences, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore all of your instincts.
I also think this kind of behaviour tends to be quite shallow. It often disappears after the initial “courtship” stage and what really matters is what you are then left with.