My gentleman boyfriend.. why do I feel like this. Am conflicted, please advise.

[alestro]

My boyfriend of two months is a gentleman to his core. Old school,gentle and kind . The type who opens the car door for me before I get in, walks on the outside of the path, tries to pay for our excursions and activities ( I insist on paying some) and I am so far away from being treated like this in the past.
I like it but it’s overwhelming . Not the extent that he does kind and nice things, but tha he does them, as a rule .
I’ve been abused, cheated on, tricked , lied to and left all my life, by every man from my father to my husband .
We get on like a house on fire, the sex is off the charts and we’ve so many shared interests and values.
I am hyper vigilant looking for red flags, love bombing, future faking… you name it ; but nothing so far.
we both have our adult/ teen children with us, we both work full time and family and friend are everything to us so what the hell is wrong with me ???
Im mad about him , seriously attracted to him, admire and respect him and adore being in his company . He’s consistent, mature but patient in that sometimes I can’t meet or need to change plans( big plans) last minute and he’s so relaxed and kind about it all.

please talk sense into me! What’s wrong with me ?

Take your time and a bit of distance.
You’re either not ready for a new relationship or your gut is picking up on something you cannot name yet.

You may be picking up something "off" underneath the good behaviour, OR you may be expecting the kindness is just manipulation and something bad is coming sooner or later (due to your history). I feel the same every time a guy is nice to me. I don't think there's anything to do but try to enjoy and wait to see what happens (very hard to do, I know)

Why can't we enjoy your little tiny advantages we can have? I'm paid less than men, I sacrificed my career more, I'm harassed and interrupted more... and you're telling me I can't even enjoy having someone paying my dinner or opening doors for me? Sorry but I will.

Even at the risk of derailing an important thread, I will ask this: have you ever stopped to think that there might be a connection between you earning less and being harassed more and the "little advantages" you so value?

Because women tend to be wearing less sturdy, more interesting, possibly more expensive clothes than men. (Which is another issue in a sexist society 😉)

But if he's in jeans and she's in a skirt, it's better if he takes a sloshing than she does.

If he's got designer trainers on that cost more than her entire outfit, he should probably be on the inside 😂

I don't think of itself, being the one to take the outside necessarily says something negative about his attitude to women.

Some things like opening doors for each other can be just polite or caring, & it doesn't matter which sex is the one holding the door. Or if he's got a jacket and she's in a thin dress & cold, it's just nice to lend it.

It's the wider context of the relationship that matters. Which is something that comes out over time.

“FemBotinaManputerWorld · Today 12:26
Unless he is very old or from a different culture, behaving like a “gentleman” as you call it, is an affectation that from some reason he has chosen to adopt.
Sorry, but I would consider that this is a possible red flag. I would be on the lookout for this to gradually evolve into controlling behaviour.
The opening doors or maybe helping you with your coat is one thing. Walking on the outside of the pavement? In this day and age? Nobody naturally behaves that way these days. It’s contrived and possibly performative.
This might not mean anything, but personally it wouldn’t sit right with me. I would hate to have these sorts of arbitrary “rules” imposed on me.
I know it’s hard when you don’t trust your own judgment due to trauma or negative experiences, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore all of your instincts.
I also think this kind of behaviour tends to be quite shallow. It often disappears after the initial “courtship” stage and what really matters is what you are then left with.”

I agree with this. Something about that behaviour makes me slightly nervous for you. The flipside of that behaviour is not always good for women; in particular, paying for everything can come with certain expectations.

Perhaps you'd like to have the right to vote removed then?

What are his views on women and men, does he have notions of how you should behave as a woman? WHat does he want in a relationship and how does he see the division of roles? Does this align with your values?

I'm a bit older than you OP and these sort of 'courtly' manners really are of another generation and I mean 90+. My grandfather possessed them but he was born in the 19th century and they were deeply, deeply ingrained, part of what he was. I'd potentially find it a bit performative in a 50something and be very vigilant about other 'old fashioned' views about women that are in no way charming coming out.

You've had a bad time and that makes you vulnerable to seeming niceness so proceed with caution, it is very early days.

If a car loses control, I think it is marginally more likely to hit the person closer to the road. I don't know if men and women have different levels of injury in an accident?

I totally agree. I’m 60 and this sort of ‘old school gentleman’ behaviour was outdated when I was young.
I would find it controlling and patronising tbh. It comes across as trying too hard to put on a perfect act.

And sadly in my experience old school gentleman often means misogynistic dinosaur who think women should know their place

That was, apocryphally, Sir Walter Raleigh. It didn’t stop him getting his head chopped off.

Of course I did. Have you ever thought that refusing the crumbs will not get me any closer to the cake? Do you have evidence of any case where a disadvantaged group gave up on rights so they could have more rights? It's like telling poor people that giving up benefits will improve wealth distribution. It won't and they will end up even worse.

This is certainly a novel take. Which would be easier to evaluate and respond to if you perhaps were kind enough, and indeed able, to provide a definition for the term "rights" as used here.

please talk sense into me! What’s wrong with me ?

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you.
At only two months in, it is perfectly normal to have your guard up and be wary.
It would be reckless to abandon all caution and throw yourself into this relationship when you hardly know him.

Yes, there are tales of people who get married within weeks or days of meeting, but those tales are rare and unusual.
It is far more sensible to take your time, get to know him over a long period, and perhaps after a couple of years take stock and ask yourself whether things are still going well.

In the meantime, learn the fine balancing act of fully enjoying the relationship whilst keeping your guard up.

Pretty much nails it.

Many people I know were brought up to have good manners, be polite and respectful to others regardless of age, sex or similar. I find it sad to think that you’d consider these behaviours to be an affectation or red flag. I would generally walk on the road side of most people I was with unless they showed some sign that they’d prefer to take that space. Have you considered thinking the best of people rather than the worst? I find it makes me feel happier and more positive.

It's early days op and the honeymoon period. He may have some faults that you haven't noticed yet. Try to stay grounded and enjoy this time without putting him on a pedestal.

2 months in is no time at all, meet his kids visit his home. Kind men do exist but you only notice the true person a few years in!
And the words of an ex work colleague sounds a bit off!!

I had a man exactly like this. We were in our late 20’s and it was like he was from the old days. There’s nothing wrong with being a gentleman but his over the top chivalry gave me the complete ick. Running to the car to open the passenger door for me, holding my coat up for me to put on (in front of my friends and in public), running ahead to open doors in pubs etc …. Urgh, I felt like I was with an embarrassing Dad, not a partner. It lasted 2 months before I had to finish things. Too try hard for my liking.

And take a look at the trad wife thread

No. I’ll continue to use my best judgment based on my life experience, thanks. I find it keeps me safe.

Walking on the outside of the pavement does not signal he thinks he’s superior to her. What a ridiculous statement.

It was actually expected of men to walk on the outside of the pavement - a sign of respect to women. They were also expected to propose within six months but I guess things change…😂

I'm now in my mid 50's, and when I met my husband when I was in my late 30's he would open car doors and stand on the outside of the pavement.

After being in a volatile and abusive relationship previously it was a bit of a shock to be treated so respectfully. While he doesn't do the door opening anymore, he does still occasionally walk on the outside if it is a narrow pavement. It is just how he was brought up.

Enjoy your romance op, be on the lookout for red flags of course, but enjoy!

"Rights" was a bad word. But I'm sure you understand my point. Paying for dates and opening doors will never get women closer to equal pay. Because there's no causality.
I think sharing the restaurant bill on dates when we do get paid less than men is just a way to get shafted twice. Not a good strategy.