My gentleman boyfriend.. why do I feel like this. Am conflicted, please advise.

[alestro]

My boyfriend of two months is a gentleman to his core. Old school,gentle and kind . The type who opens the car door for me before I get in, walks on the outside of the path, tries to pay for our excursions and activities ( I insist on paying some) and I am so far away from being treated like this in the past.
I like it but it’s overwhelming . Not the extent that he does kind and nice things, but tha he does them, as a rule .
I’ve been abused, cheated on, tricked , lied to and left all my life, by every man from my father to my husband .
We get on like a house on fire, the sex is off the charts and we’ve so many shared interests and values.
I am hyper vigilant looking for red flags, love bombing, future faking… you name it ; but nothing so far.
we both have our adult/ teen children with us, we both work full time and family and friend are everything to us so what the hell is wrong with me ???
Im mad about him , seriously attracted to him, admire and respect him and adore being in his company . He’s consistent, mature but patient in that sometimes I can’t meet or need to change plans( big plans) last minute and he’s so relaxed and kind about it all.

please talk sense into me! What’s wrong with me ?

How do you know it's not lovebombing? It tends to be something you see in retrospect, not in the moment.

There's nothing wrong in being vigilant and cautious at this stage. It's 2 months, not years.

I don’t but I’m sure as hell obsessing over his behaviour to ensure that of it is, Im
out.

For @category12… thanks

If you haven't already, read "Women who love too much". Among other things, it examines how women who are used to high drama can find a nice, normal person boring or difficult.

You seem to be perhaps looking for a problem to solve.

Two months is no time at all so it’s entirely reasonable to be cautious at this stage - how many dates can you have even been on at this point?! See how things are in another few months.

I’m interested why walking on the outside of the pavement is perceived as him thinking he’s better than you. I know a few men that do this all 50+ and I think it’s charming.

As for opening doors that is pretty standard behaviour when getting in taxis etc. man opens nearest door and then walks around to the other side to get in. Maybe not so much with their own cars - DH is always waiting in the car for me and doesn’t get out in those circumstances but does bring the car up to the door.

I’ve watched my own son and young men my DC know (late teens early 20s) behave similarly. It’s polite

Not the extent that he does kind and nice things, but tha he does them, as a rule

I would feel the same as you.

There’s being a gentleman/being nice and then there is the expectation that he’ll be doing something and you won’t be as a rule.

I am a grown, independent woman and if I want to do something then I will.

His ‘rules’ could come across as controlling for me.

However, I would recognise that I am heightened to look for any controlling red flags like you are and so would be cautious that I’m not being overly sensitive.

He is an older man and it may be a generational thing.

Keep an eye out for res flags but for now, I would just be happy and go with the flow.
It’s only been a couple of months and so things are very early days.

Let yourself go a bit and enjoy it for what it is whilst it lasts.

Well two months isn’t a long time.

I’ll be honest that I’m automatically a bit suspicious of overt charm, gentlemanly behaviour, etc. anything that takes extra effort. I think good people who have nothing to hide generally aren’t as overtly showy in their nice qualities - they’re just a bit more ordinary and natural about it.

I’m not saying that I’d necessarily rule a person out for this. I’ve known a couple of men who had those sort of manners as a result of growing up in the American South. It’s instilled in, but it also doesn’t necessarily reflect any meaningful qualities beyond their good manners. One of them was dyed in the wool racist, with deeply misogynistic traits.

I also know a lovely autistic man whose social persona is constructed on this sort of foundation. It’s benign but also serves a distinct purpose.

What is conflict like with him? How do you handle disagreements? Have you had a serious one yet? Every relationship/partner has good qualities. That goes without saying. What’s important is how good the worst parts are. How are we with each other when we’re upset, hurt, angry, disappointed? Can we still be respectful and mindful of each other?

Two months is still honeymoon phase. Enjoy yourself, but stay vigilant particularly with dc involved.

I agree.

He is on his best behaviour right now and is of course going to want to make lots of effort.

If a man doesn’t treat you like a goddess for the first 6 months then he’s not the one.

They’re usually perfect at first and then their true colours start showing.

But it may be that you can sense him being fake or underlying controlling.
Or it’s all in your head and he’s genuinely a nice guy.

Time will tell.
For now, just enjoy it for what it is.

Also I’m 50, and none of the lads I went to college with in the 1990s had old school manners. That was old fashioned even then. That’s more typical of the 70+ age group.

It's quite concerning @alestro that you are beseeching complete strangers to "talk sense" to you about another complete stranger, and even entertaining the idea that there might be something "wrong" with you.

For reference, all of the things that you list, i.e. "opens the car door for me before I get in, walks on the outside of the path, tries to pay for our excursions and activities", I would find extremely icky and also suspicious. They are superficial, meaningless politenesses than can be withdrawn at any time.

Please don't fall into the trap of labelling this as "gentlemanly" behaviour and then assuming they equate to "kind", "chivalrous", "charming" or whatever.

You've only known him for two months! He has no right to be seen as any one thing by you just because of these behaviours. But it does highlight their transactional nature that you are leaning that way.

Keep getting to know him, and keep your wits about you.

Well even sociopaths can behave themselves for 8 weeks...

I'm a man OP, and a nice one, but what you describe sounds suspicious to me - it sounds like he is really trying to impress, going all out, not relaxed and natural.

He may, over time regress to a more normal, yet still kind etc. person, but there is a risk that he will emerge as a monster.

I dated a woman one, who turned out to be a nightmare, and certainly a sociopath - I by chance met two of her exes, who'd had the same experience - all the niceness / kindness, which seemed a bit excessive, was in effect an act, learned to hook guys in - same thing can happen of course with a man.

I hope that's not the case for you OP.

I don't have past relationship trauma such as you have, but I'd find this behaviour infantilising and smothering.

Gosh it's only been two months. Give it a lot longer to really get to know him beyond these superficial behaviours. He's barely a boyfriend at this point. Enjoy the dates and wait and see where it goes. If you're overthinking and spiralling, that's about your own traumatic past and needs therapy regardless of this guy. But don't go all in or panic and run just because he's got some old-fashioned affectations. Wait and see who he really is when you've gone the distance.

I’m 66 and I don’t think this behaviour is “pretty standard”. I think it’s normal for everyone, male or female, to hold open a door for someone who’s not far behind you or let someone have a wide berth if they’re pushing a pram or wheelchair etc. I think the car door opening and walking on the outside of the pavement is contrived and cringey, not charming! But each to their own

Walking on the outside, nearer the traffic, is outdated. I know men were brought up to do that in the early C20. Actually that reminds me of a genuinely charming man who always raised his hat on meeting women (“ladies”) because that had been drummed into him at school. He was incapable of not doing it. But he was born in the late 50s.

Unless you wear crinolines that really do have to be protected from the mud of splashing horses’ hooves, and I wouldn’t argue with that if you do (pictures please!) he’s literally directing where you are to walk.

I think that, if you told him you didn’t like him opening the car door for you or deciding where you’re allowed to walk, you would get quite an insight into the real him. Most men show their true colours when told no. Particularly, in this case, because this is something he has chosen to do in order to perform ‘good guy’.

If he listens, thinks and adjusts then all good. If he argues and gets hurt or touchy about it, that tells you a bit more about the real him.

I had one of these. He was not a gentleman. When I told him I felt awkward about those same gestures, he called me an ungrateful feminist and said he would have to walk on eggshells around me now.

My dad always walked on the outside of the pavement, and let women go through the door first. As a mother I always walk on the outside if I'm with my dc. Once something like that is a habit it's second nature

I don't think of itself, that it's domineering. There are still puddles but cars instead, so if the bloke is on the outside, he still serves a purpose 😂

If he won't let you be on the outside or makes a big hoo-haa about it then it starts being weird and concerning.

But it's like most things, the wider context matters.

walks on the outside of the path

I'm in my late fifties and only found out a few years ago that this was even a 'thing'.

It's akin to laying his coat over a puddle so the delicate little lady doesn't get her shoes wet.

Not the point of the thread I know but I'd be knocking this silliness on the head early doors.

That’s how I feel. Like another poster I always walked on the outside when with my young DC - it’s protective, which I think is decent behaviour. I have no objection to men acting in a way that is protective of me.

What protection can an adult man offer to an adult woman from cars, vans, lorries, etc. travelling at 30 mph+, I wonder?

I get the urge to safeguard your kids, particularly as their road safety awareness might not be fully developed yet, but I am a little sceptical that grown-ups need this...

Or are you saying that women are, ultimately, children in comparison to men?

Splashguard, innit 😂

I don't think the idea is to save women from running out into the road.

But why should the chap get muddy?

Are you not just as capable of withstanding a bit of cold and dirt? And cleaning yourself up afterwards?

Each to their own obviously, but my feeling is that women as a group pay an awfully high price for these kind of silly gendered practices. This point of course having been made much more eloquently, and ad nauseam, by many, many feminists for many, many decades...