Neighbour is obsessed with me

[Anonforfriday]

Looking for advice please, I'm in my 40's and autistic.

I moved here 4 months ago and the neighbour kept asking me to be his wife (hmm I know). I said only friends, and we started going out for the occasional meal and shopping together. Although we haven't been intimate he keeps asking for kisses, which I felt pressured into doing.

He says he loves me and has never had a relationship like this, and I'm special etc. I know this is a red flag and it's definitely put me off him.

Now I am getting frustrated because he expects to see me every day, and comes round every day. If I don't he bombards me with text messages, calls and knocking on my door. He has a camera directed to my house and I have to drive past his to come in and out the street.

He insists that I need his help for everything, the garden, cooking, etc and if I try to use it as a reason not to see him, he just invites himself. Says that I need help and he's protecting me.

Yesterday I decided I'd had enough and said I need some time alone. He texted me all day long, saying he can't sleep because he hasn't seen me. Today has been the same, lots of texts and knocking on my door. I don't know what to do, I feel so uncomfortable.

Does he have learning difficulties, no normal person would think it's ok to think you need help all the time. It's really imposing and intrusive. Does he have a social worker.

Even if you'd been in a full on relationship with him you don't deserve to be harassed. I was dumped a few times when younger. I always accepted it and never harassed the person.

Is he also vulnerable op, as in does he have additional needs?the asking you to be his wife immediately and his subsequent behaviour differentiates him from a common or garden abuser and makes me think he has additional needs of some sort.

This is a serious issue and if I were you I'd want to move out as fast as possible.

You need to tell the police. You're basically living next door to a stalker and he's smothering you, and doesn't care how his behaviour makes you feel.

You need to put a stop to this, this man has just decided that you are his partner despite your objections?

@Bananalanacake no, he's not autistic, but occasionally uses a wheelchair. I don't have a social worker, again it's something I've tried to get but haven't been successful. I text him just now and said he is scaring me and I don't want to see him any more.

This sounds horrible if you didn’t want any of this and felt pressured into it. Him saying he’s never had a relationship like this is really bizarre if you haven’t been particularly warm to him. I would be very clear you are breaking things off and then block him, either stay with a friend/family or get someone to stay with you for a few days

@Prawnkonjac I'm not working at the moment and he is retired.

His response to stop contacting me is, 'I love you, come round for a cuppa'.

I've been in tears several times over him crossing boundaries.

How 0ld is he op?

You’ve said he occasionally uses a wheel chair, but didn’t fully answer if he had additional needs, mentally, the poster didn’t ask just is he autistic.

i would have to say it is likely he has additional needs, so it maybe difficult to get him to understand, as he may not have the capability to do that fully.

You have just made such a disabling comment. As the parent of an adult child with Aspergers Syndrome, my child works full time but struggles with boundaries and has at times been taken advantage of in terms of generosity.
OP isn’t spineless at all or gullible. Vulnerable as she has maybe wanted to have a friendship but this man has turned into a stalker. That can happen to anyone! It happened to me years ago and I had to get the police involved after my stalker got hold of a load of porn mags and cut out photos of all the ladies in it who looked similar to me and shoved them through my letterbox along with turning up at my home in the early hours of the morning for no apparent reason.
You’ve judged OP way too harshly. She has the ability to be able to get help to stop any further harassment from this man from useful advice on this thread.

This is harassment and stalking you need now contact the Police. He is committing an offence by filming you and the place you live without your permission. Also he is a very dangerous individual and the situation will probably escalate. These are very serious offences and you should take immediate action.

Oh hang on, you went for that poster then went to the other extreme. This is a retired man who occasionally uses a wheel chair and declared she should be his wife on first meeting, it is hugely likely he also has some form of disability, so to go all nuclear about him turning stalker is too much too soon.

Again, people need to calm down and try to get more facts.

Red flag walking

OP, you've done well to recognise that this man's actions are inappropriate and you don't want him in your life.

Texting him that you don't want to see him is a good first step but this type of person is often ruthless and may need to be told more than once.

You might need a friend or relative to tell him the same thing if he turns up at your door. Often they take someone else more seriously as they assume they can just talk you around.

Hello- my daughter is autistic and I really feel for you reading this.
as other posters have said, just because he has decided he is in a relationship with you, doesn’t mean it’s true. Him pointing cameras at you and monitoring you isn’t ok either. This needs to be de escalated safely. You can speak to the police / 111 about it, and let them know. I think if having support from social services is something you have tried to access before it is worth trying again. You can self refer through the main switchboard for your area- and ask to be assessed. Or ask your GP if they can refer you? Do you have the ability to access therapy? It benefits my daughter and has helped with (though she is a teen) relationship navigation, as it’s complicated, and therapy can help you manage things well. I think we are conditioned to accept what men want and say, and to be polite and that’s led you into this situation. If you do not want to be in a relationship you don’t have to be. Have you got any real life support to help step in? I agree with PP he sounds as though he may have something additional going on, as a possible explanation of his behaviour? Again that doesn’t make it ok, but his boundary pushing is extremely blatant.

Then maybe direct your comments to helping her, rather than taking issue with other people's comments.

He is in his 60's and doesn't have any disabilities concerning the brain or intellect. I can't tell my family because I've been lying to them saying that he's harmless.

Your family would want to know, and hopefully help you. Just tell them you thought he was harmless at first, but have realised he isn’t. You need everyone you know on you side, able to keep an eye on you. Don’t be ashamed. YOU have done nothing wrong.
id text him again saying you were serious - you don’t want to see him or hear from him again and if he continues you’ll report him for harassment. Then ignore all further attempts. Don’t answer the door if he rocks up and Tell him to leave if he enters the garden. Tell don’t ask…

OP, I'd say that's almost certainly all the more reason to tell them the truth now and ask for concrete help in ending this untenable situation, which is putting you at risk. It's disturbing you've been lying to cover up your own vulnerability in this situation. Wouldn't you like someone else to go and see him and ensure he never comes to your door again? It doesn't need to be family, obviously -- do you have a friend who would be able to do this? Or straight to the police?

Can you not tell your family that you made a mistake and he isn't as harmless as you thought? It's annoying to say they were right but we all have to sometimes. They'll understand, I imagine.

You've told him to stop contacting you and he hasn't so the next step is to contact police about his harassment of you.

This isn't your fault, op, you are not responsible for his behaviour.