Anyone married to someone with PDA and managing everyday family life?

[Ittakeslonger]

Anyone on here married to someone with PDA? Just recently dawned on me, after 30 years of marriage, why my very affectionate, protective and loyal husband struggles with me asking him to do anything (to the extent I no longer ask him to do anything). Just wondering how others have coped with getting support for household chores, looking after children, planning holidays, getting things repaired in the house, getting rid of clutter etc etc. Mostly just would like to hear what it's like for others.

I'm in this boat,too.I could've written this.We have a 2.5 year old and I'm struggling to see how I'll ever be able to be happy with my Husband.He realised within the last few days that he has PDA (we suspected he was probably on the spectrum already) and I'm just feeling really hopeless about it all.I don't want to break up our little family (been together for 10 years) but I feel like I have to do so much walking on eggshells just to get him to not be snappy or irritable, never mind the fact that god forbid, I would actually like to get the occasional need met in my marriage: he is never consistent with taking the lead in 50% of planning anything for us (one of my constant requests since I feel like I plan and organise everything and I'm lucky if he just agrees to tag along), we haven't so much as snogged since the day we conceived our child( I am the only one to ever bring up the conversation of intimacy and try anything in that regard), and he just in general wants to use every possible spare moment to escape life via his playstation and sees my need for some consistent "togetherness" as another chore.We did couples counselling and the counsellor was the person who initially mentioned the "PDA"term, and that he thought my husband had it,and said that he predicted I would sooner or later get too frustrated by my Husband's lack of willingness to grow or participate in the relationship.And here I am, feeling exactly that way about a year later.I try to think of the positives and hold on to the happy moments, but they are so few and far between now,especially with the stress of raising a toddler.Can you share any insights you might have had or any of your own thoughts on things?I'm really struggling to come to a decision with it.

Following with interest. DD is ASD, and DH admits now he’s read all about it to support her that he’s even more profoundly autistic in his traits than she is (or more male in presentation, perhaps) and I fully agree. Neither of my DCs are PDA but I’ve read about it due to researching SEND and DH almost certainly is. I’m trying new techniques and it is helping our relationship - except that while my anger is dissipating, compassion isn’t really a sexual emotion. I feel a bit like I have another child whose life I need to scaffold.

We do. I’m in therapy about this!

THANK YOU, YES!

my lovely MIL passed away before I had children… how I wish I could talk to her both about my DH’s childhood traits but also her experience of parenting a child with SEND. My DD is a carbon copy of my DH. I’d love to have her years of experience and hindsight, her regrets and her successes, as a useful helping hand.

Doesn’t this just describe lots of people who don’t like being told what to do or being bossed around? I’m definitely not autistic but could tick at least 75% of these as I have people trying to control me.

i try not to throw my feelings out at others as I know that’s a dick move and I don’t want to be that person, but I still experience the irritation and emotional pressure.

Some people don’t like being told what to so, not sure why there is such a desire to pathologies the normal range of behaviour and tolerances

I’ve never heard of PDA before, but it absolutely describes my husband to a T. He is not lazy whatsoever, but the moment I ask him to do something, it causes at least fifteen minutes of stress. He then always does the thing I’ve asked him to do (because he’s not lazy). I’ve asked so many times, if you know you are always going to do it, can’t we just not have the fifteen stressful minutes of him complaining and avoiding? To which his response is, you know I’m going to do it, can you not just give me that fifteen minutes of being awkward and accept that’s just me, rather than getting annoyed about it.
I do very much suspect autism as well. My daughter is just starting an autism assessment and she jokes that if she does come back as autistic, it will be a double diagnosis for her and her dad.
I don’t think he can mask at work, to be honest. I think it’s why he’s found himself in a role which is extremely routine based, and is far below his educational level.

To respond to a previous poster who asked what happens to a PDA type when they are on their own again? Here’s one;
When my sister died her husband basically broke. All his support systems disappeared overnight. Within ten years he had lost his high paying job, defaulted on and lost their house, burned through his entire retirement fund. He now live in a rented one bed flat, his fridge is bursting with rotting food, his flat is so disgusting my niece won’t stay longer than to pick him up. He refuses all help rather than make a decision on what day the cleaner could come. He’s a human wreck in total denial but he does feel very sorry for himself as none of his woes are his fault.

I’m convinced my mother has this or very similar. She’s now 90 so I’ve had a lifetime of putting up with the consequences. It may be more unusual for a woman but when she was young she was gorgeous and intelligent and my Dad fell for her and because he’s a nice man, gradually he ended up carrying her in their marriage, and later enabling all her terrible behaviour. As I child/ adolescent I couldn’t see it clearly but just knew something was wrong as my Mum was always in a temper, argumentative, would never accept she was wrong, never said sorry, could never accept information or facts from anyone else. It could also have been menopause but as I’ve got older I think it was undiagnosed ASD/ ADHD and this thread makes me think also PDA.

She has a lifelong history of failing at important things like exams and learning to drive (anxiety/ panic/ meltdown), emotional disregulation (hair trigger temper), rigid thinking, impulsive purchases, incomplete projects. She immerses herself in her special interest - gardening - and avoids basically everything else. My parents are now very elderly but live in squalor. Mum will not have anyone else in the house and will do anything to avoid/ procrastinate decisions about help. Dad has never really challenged her so is now trapped in this world of her making. Back when she was younger diagnosis of this sort of stuff wasn’t a thing so divorce would have been the only remedy for him really.

As a young teenager she told me she hadn’t wanted children at all (fine that’s her choice but it was wrong to tell me that) and I grew up with the sense that I was a burden. I think my existence was the basic “demand” she didn’t want to meet. She didn’t breastfeed me, didn’t get up in the night (my Dad did that), took me to school in Primary but by Secondary I could walk myself so she didn’t bother, weekends I went to my grandparents. She was easily distracted, can’t, won’t cook, constantly burnt toast and meals. Once as a toddler I fell three or four feet off our front wall onto the pavement and was rescued by a neighbour as she wasn’t watching me (I don’t remember this).

Suggesting, arguing, persuading or offering to help doesn’t work with her. If she isn’t interested, she will avoid/ distract/ put off. I am waiting for the car crash that will precipitate one of them ending up in hospital when they might finally accept carers. I visit every week and do their life admin/ hospital appointments etc with them, take Dad shopping, take Mum out, but I won’t clean for them as it’s a self created situation and they could afford a cleaner but won’t have one.

I have grown up a coper, with a huge work ethic; I make lists, I get shit done, I achieve stuff in life, because I ran a mile from what I could see at home. I have probably inherited some traits but more on the ADHD side which if anything might have helped with super focus in work, and I don’t consider myself diagnosable. DS has a bit of time blindness and has to think about planning, but has just finished his first year at Uni and thank God has developed a big interest in cooking and can definitely cook, clean, wash laundry and pay his rent on time. Maybe Mum’s problem was she grew up in a time when none of this was recognised whereas I have been quietly vigilant that DS will be a functioning human being.

Rant over, sorry, triggered!