Anyone married to someone with PDA and managing everyday family life?

[Ittakeslonger]

Anyone on here married to someone with PDA? Just recently dawned on me, after 30 years of marriage, why my very affectionate, protective and loyal husband struggles with me asking him to do anything (to the extent I no longer ask him to do anything). Just wondering how others have coped with getting support for household chores, looking after children, planning holidays, getting things repaired in the house, getting rid of clutter etc etc. Mostly just would like to hear what it's like for others.

Does he have an autism diagnosis?

Hi , no but it's very likely that he is autistic. Our son is Autistic. My son doesn't have PDA though

Yep. Worked out asking doesn’t work years ago, but only found out more recently it’s an actual condition with a name.

I often find if I start a task that would be more typically seen as a man’s job (e.g. involves heavy lifting or something to do with cars/bicycles/heavy gardening work) then my DH will want to take over.

Or if you present something as a problem solving exercise that can sometimes be effective e.g. I have to get x, y and z tasks done today because of abc, but I can’t possibly do them all in the time available. Can you help me figure out a shortcut?

Also, if I start decluttering my own things, sometimes DH will do the same, almost like he feels shamed into joining in.

Whatever workarounds you use, you have to mix them up and be subtle. If they get wise to your methods it’s all over.

Is there anything else to make you think pda as opposed to lazy and selfish?

What is his work history like?

In terms of what it’s like OP, it’s infuriating. My DH is undiagnosed autistic too (runs in the family and it’s a clear as day) but won’t read up on how to help himself (hello PDA!)

I do find that gradually introducing chores in a way that feels scrupulously fair can work, like a rota for a specific daily task that’s shared between everyone in the house. And making it really clear that you’re not prepared to do it all. So a kind of, “I’m booking the kids’ dentist appointments, can you sort optician’s appts?” approach, but for everything. You have to build up gradually over time though. That exercise that people recommend where you divvy everything up all in one go would never work - he just wouldn’t do his tasks.

That needs to be your starting point. Get a letter drafted for the gp and ask for an autism referral.

You’ve got me thinking now. I’ve variously thought my DH is lazy, selfish, depressed… but maybe it’s PDA?? He could be on the autism spectrum based on some other traits too. Hmmmmm

I've found if you slowly introduce something as their job they eventually see it as part of their routine 'jobs to be done' as part of their daily or weekly routine. The downside is if you ever happen to forget its 'their job' and start doing it yourself you get absolute confusion and indignation on their part with comments like 'I could/would have done that' which can wind you up as much as them not doing it at all !!!!!!!!!

That feels better, rant over

So he's 'affectionate, protective' but won't actually do anything at all domestically or with the children? So, put another way, he's controlling, lazy and selfish.

Yes! DH is autistic and this aspect drives me totally crazy. He will get completely overwhelmed by really simple things - paying a bill online, adding something to the online grocery order - and will just freeze up and do nothing. Stuff that I’d do in 30 seconds on my phone whilst on the toilet will take him days of procrastination and planning. The whole house could just turn to shit around him and he would just get overwhelmed and do nothing. It’s really hard sometimes as the amount of mental load I carry is extremely exhausting, and I don’t think he even notices.
it’s caused conflict with various other members of his family too, as after many years of him having this diagnosis, they still don’t understand why he won’t proactively offer to help them with stuff, or seem to even notice that they need help, or be able to give them what they need if they ask him. He’s just not able to be like “oh, I noticed you might need some help with your DIY, would you like me to come over and help”. He’s just not capable. Took us five years to buy a house whilst stuck in an horrible rental place that was too small, and with three kids under 10, and there were points where I almost had to leave him as it just got too much.

Always seems to be the “oh poor thing, he really is only able to do things that he wants or he gets something out of…”

I have it myself with autism. But, as a woman I have to crack on and can’t be a lazy selfish fucker like many men with it are. Yes it’s hard, it really is and work is a nightmare but see my first point.

Oh wow…. This is exactly my DH. I’m on the brink
of leaving.
I am off to research PDA in adult men.

It’s tough as we end up carrying so much!!

yes My husband does it is a nightmare sometimes. I honestly think I’m so over it then I see him again. They really can’t help it but it sucks

Would those of you that have experience agree with this list as a good description?

I have a child with PDA. What I would say is; if your husband was a good husband then you wouldn’t have to ask him to do those things. Knowing you likely have PDA would surely make you more likely to avoid situations where someone you love has to ask you to do things you should already be doing? He’s had long enough to read about it and employ strategies.

I think he may just be selfish OP.

Ha ha, always a possibility. He has recently become more aware of his difficulty being told what to and actually has laughed at himself for not being able to do things he's told himself to do.

It's an interesting possibility! If it exists in children it also will exist in adults

Well it certainly describes my husband

It describes mine too. Also elsewhere I saw other things like being comfortable with activities like role play and using humour to mask which fit him
too.

To come back to your original post and your question.
After 11 years together which has felt like a lot of uphill struggle on my part, he now carries out daily routine stuff because it’s so ingrained in his routine he does it without thinking about it. He does 50% of DC drop off and pick ups and ferrying to clubs. Holds down full time job and does nearly all our supermarket shopping. He cannot plan or write a list though, he goes to the supermarket every day.

I am very close to leaving him, exhausted with pulling my hair out desperate for help with mental load and the massive project dooer upper house he persuaded me to agree to buy. Not only has he barely helped he actually hinders me, procrastinates, tries to control choices and plans while not doing anything. When criticised he feels glum and sad and attacked.

I don’t know if it matters if it’s PDA at this point. Reading your OP shocked me though, how much that sounds like DH.

Bitter much.