He can't or won't give up the Instagram models. Time to throw in the towel?

[UnluckyLeprechaun]

That's it really, in the title. We've been together around 18 months. Get on very well generally, he's easy going, I am too. Both in our mid forties. Both quite quiet, like evenings in, not really pub people or much into going out. Our values and morals seem to align. Neither of us have ever been married and we've recently discussed moving in together.

The problems in the bedroom started quite early on but I let it go as I knew he was having major stress at work and was really tired all the time and was then diagnosed with elevated cholesterol and sometimes his blood pressure was too high. Everything else between us was good. Then he started on a statin, the blood pressure seemed to correct itself but not the lack of passion. Again I let it go even though I really missed the physical aspect of our relationship.

One day around 3 weeks ago I caught him looking at a half naked woman on Instagram. I'm not naive enough to think that men never look on there, I'm not against porn, but because we weren't having sex at all I then wondered whether the problem wasn't his physical or mental health and it was actually addiction to stuff online. I looked on his phone when he was asleep and he follows loads of bikini models, half naked Asian girls and is looking at this content every day. I brought it up with him and he denied that it was having any impact on his sex drive, but when I asked if he masturbated to this content instead of initiating sex with me, he said he did.

I got really upset but he agreed that he would "do better", in his own words and had no idea that I would be so angry about it. He said he would stop masturbating, but that one of the reasons he was using it was because he was afraid he was too tired to please me.

Two days after promising he would stop, he was back on there again, watching videos of Asian girls flashing their bottoms. Even more insulting... half of this stuff is AI generated.

I love him but I'm actually starting to resent him and if this is how things are going to be, then I don't want it. I want a healthy sex life with a man who doesn't prefer porn to real life. Someone please tell me they do still exist?

I haven't spoken to him about knowing he went back on his promise. I just want to leave but the thought of giving up on such a kind person who is such a good fit in every other way is breaking me in two.

The sooner you do it the better, before he completely destroys your self-esteem.

I think you know that this guy isn't a keeper.

You need to let him go and find someone who doesn't have all these issues.

He likes porn in preference to real women and he's lied to you - that should tell you all you need to know.

You deserve better than this.

I think you might get slated on here, because your partner isn’t free to masturbate or watch sexual content as he pleases. But I hear you, OP. It’s because this stuff has replaced your sex life that you have a problem with it. And that’s totally understandable in my view. I remember dating in my 40s being a bit of a let down sexually. I always dated men the same age or older. And quite often they weren’t up to it physically. So I do think it’s partly an age thing.
Honestly though, I think I’d need to end it. You’re not ready to give up having a sex life. And I would worry for you that your self-esteem is going to take a battering at his rejection of you. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the issue is personal to you at all. But it’s still a tricky thing for you to navigate. Perhaps you could try couples counselling first.
Good luck.

It’s so early on to be having these problems, and he’s awfully old to be acting like a 12 year old boy. Not great, is he. I’d dump him.

He's not kind. He's selfish, lazy and a liar. He doesn't care about you or your pleasure. Much easier to get off by looking at an AI image than putting in the effort to have a physical relationship with you. Leave him and don't take him back.

Too old to be acting like a 12 year old boy but way too young to be incapacitated from high BP/cholesterol medication and too tired for lovemaking!

in the bin he goes

You should have everything against porn.

This is what it causes.

Dysfunction in men, an inability to appreciate real women, hold real women to impossible standards, sex addiction, infidelity and the list goes on.

Leave him. He's damaged. It's not his fault but it's not yours, either.

Taxi!

"John - I told you it would be over if you kept looking at those Instagram women. Well, you're still watching them. So it's time to say goodbye.."

He’s a liar - dump him and tell him it’s because the sex is still rubbish so you can only assume he’s still wanking away to AI with a death grip.

Why should OP get slated @JMSA ?
She is entitled to be repulsed and upset that her DP is a porn addict.

I agree she can't change him. And she should end the relationship foe her own future happiness and well being.

Yes there are men who respect women and don’t do this. It took me to my mid forties to find one, and ten years later I still feel cherished, respected and very desired.
In a healthy, mutually caring, relationship, if you go through patches of less intercourse due to ill health etc then you both still want to maintain intimacy in other ways and you both still work on letting the other know they are still very much wanted and cared for. Simple things like cuddling up chatting in bed, walking hand in hand at the beach, stopping for a kiss in the middle of gardening.
This guy didn’t deserve you.

I think it can be hard to imagine there being men who don't do this when you're caught up in it, and when we hear so much about porn taking over everything - but there ARE such men, and you don't have to live with this. You've tried, you've been clear, he's blown it.

I've also never seen Mumsnet slate anyone for objecting to it or suggest it's some sort of male prerogative...! Don't worry, you're in the right and any woman with self-worth would expect better than this.

He’s a porn addict. He’s admitted he prefers masturbating to this content to actual sex with you. The relationship was over as soon as he admitted that. Get rid, it was destroy your self esteem. I stayed in my marriage to a man like this for far too long. Get out and let me tell you, there are normal men out there.

18 months in & he's not up for sex with you? Nah, give this one up!

You’ve asked him to stop and he hasn’t. That is enough to end the relationship.
I thought my (then DP) DHs masturbation was affecting our sex life so I asked him to stop. He stopped straight away and our sex life improved dramatically. He stopped because he also wanted to improve our intimacy. If he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t have… and then I’d have left.

“Too old to be acting like a 12 year old boy but way too young to be incapacitated from high BP/cholesterol medication and too tired for lovemaking! “
You’re absolutely spot on @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice
He needs dumping OP.

Don't for god's sake move in with this man. You may not be able to see it from the inside, but for those of us who've been there and got the scars it is clear that his relationship has no legs - that way resentment, anger, frustration, low self-esteem and misery lie. Don't get enmeshed!

Sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. I couldn't cope with it either. Mid-forties is far too young, decades too young, to be 'too tired' for a physical relationship, and as you're only 18 months in, he should be all over you. Even though it might feel right now as though he's perfect in every way except this one, his porn addiction and unwillingness to have sex with you is a massive, major issue. And now he's broken his promise to you after only two days! I agree with everyone else here that you really need to end this relationship, or it's going to damage your well-being.

It's OK to be against porn, by the way.

You’re 18 months in, the physical side of your relationship is a let-down. He lies to you and makes promises that he doesn’t keep and from the sounds of it doesn’t look after his health.

Don’t move in with him. He doesn’t respect you. If he did he wouldn’t lie to you.

He's probably looking for someone to make his bills cheaper, get his housework done and look after him as his health deteriorates, as he can’t be arsed to look after himself.

You’re setting yourself up to be a cheap companion/carer/housemaid; is that really what you want?

His relationship is with AI generated Insta models. It’s pathetic. Having seen one of those accounts men actually write comments (you are so gorgeous, baby😳!) and the AI model actually replies! Usually something like - thank you, darling.
Are men that gullible? Some of them are.
This man just wants someone around, and that’s it.
Tell him to get a flatmate.

He's mid forties?! His behaviour would be crappy enough for a man in his 20s, but also understandable to an extent (not quite matured). I can't see how things will get better if he's back using porn after just 2 days him promising to do better, the commitment isn't there on his part.

My problem wouldn't be the masturbating (as both my DH and I do it) but rather than that it replaces normal healthy intimacy between you. My DH and I have a great sex life but sometimes you just want to go it alone if you know what I mean.

I think the fact that he seems to prefer this over being intimate with you is a massive issue. And even more that he told you he would stop and he doesn't seem to be able to.

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker but I think for most of us on here, it would be.

A man in his 40s viewing that kind of content is absolutely tragic. But he clearly has no intention of stopping it.