He can't or won't give up the Instagram models. Time to throw in the towel?

[UnluckyLeprechaun]

That's it really, in the title. We've been together around 18 months. Get on very well generally, he's easy going, I am too. Both in our mid forties. Both quite quiet, like evenings in, not really pub people or much into going out. Our values and morals seem to align. Neither of us have ever been married and we've recently discussed moving in together.

The problems in the bedroom started quite early on but I let it go as I knew he was having major stress at work and was really tired all the time and was then diagnosed with elevated cholesterol and sometimes his blood pressure was too high. Everything else between us was good. Then he started on a statin, the blood pressure seemed to correct itself but not the lack of passion. Again I let it go even though I really missed the physical aspect of our relationship.

One day around 3 weeks ago I caught him looking at a half naked woman on Instagram. I'm not naive enough to think that men never look on there, I'm not against porn, but because we weren't having sex at all I then wondered whether the problem wasn't his physical or mental health and it was actually addiction to stuff online. I looked on his phone when he was asleep and he follows loads of bikini models, half naked Asian girls and is looking at this content every day. I brought it up with him and he denied that it was having any impact on his sex drive, but when I asked if he masturbated to this content instead of initiating sex with me, he said he did.

I got really upset but he agreed that he would "do better", in his own words and had no idea that I would be so angry about it. He said he would stop masturbating, but that one of the reasons he was using it was because he was afraid he was too tired to please me.

Two days after promising he would stop, he was back on there again, watching videos of Asian girls flashing their bottoms. Even more insulting... half of this stuff is AI generated.

I love him but I'm actually starting to resent him and if this is how things are going to be, then I don't want it. I want a healthy sex life with a man who doesn't prefer porn to real life. Someone please tell me they do still exist?

I haven't spoken to him about knowing he went back on his promise. I just want to leave but the thought of giving up on such a kind person who is such a good fit in every other way is breaking me in two.

I'm back. I can see not one person has recommended we try to work through this. I don't see any kind of solution whatsoever.

I saw him Thursday evening last week and we talked about it again and he said he would stop and would I help him by finding him a counsellor, one who specialises in pornography addiction and he would go. He was going to be "a better man", as he put it. I said I had doubts that he'd be able to, but if he could really commit to seeking help and changing, there might be a chance for us. He insisted that he was "only in the habit because he had been single for so long".

I was going to drop a line to my therapist who is very well connected and knows lots of locally based specialists in all sorts of fields. But then, once again, in true selfish and addicted fashion, he was liking and commenting on something like 60 plus posts on the Thursday night. Some of the material actually looked very close to the mark in terms of age, if you get my drift. Not all of it is half naked, but still very flirty and provocative poses.

Horrendous. I had it out with him over the weekend and he just stood there saying sorry and that he isn't "like that", I have the wrong idea about him.

Fortunately for me, it has now got to the point where my loving feelings towards him and any sympathy I had for him has all completely gone out of the window. It's already taken way too much of my time. I've blocked him on every possible place he was contacting me before. I want, clean, honest, physically switched on to me, all the normal, positive stuff. Not a masturbation addict.

Thanks, I see you suggested counselling. He agreed to it, specialised counselling, but see my update... I can't get past the fact that it feels as if every time I am out of his way, he is almost frenetic in his consumption of it. He seems to spend hours on there on the clips, like a handful of them is never enough. He promised to stop and do better last week, but again, when I went home, after another disappointing attempt to arouse him, with him rubbing his penis for over an hour, he goes straight onto Instagram to get pleasure. I don't even think he fancies me at all. I need someone to want me, really want me.

Ha ha, yes, I reversed it and said how would you feel and he didn't seem bothered at all!

Not any more...

Oh.... this is also really telling... a couple of weeks ago, we had been out and we ran into an old friend of mine who happened to be out with two of his old college friends. One of them made a full on beeline for me, clearly chatting me up and even asked me outright for my phone number! Ex was totally not bothered..... I think I could have gone home with this other man and he would have gone home to masturbate 😂

I am of the opinion any porn is NOT ok. It was clear with my husband pre marriage. For religious reasons BUT also to protect our intimacy from outside influences that are unhealthy and damaging to the brain, soul, relationship.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, though thank you for coming back to update. It sounds like your ex is in denial, and so any counselling wouldn't have been effective. I suspect he might need a few failed relationships before he accepts this is a real problem and then he can decide whether he's actually motivated to get help to change it.

Oh fuck him , my ex also said he wouldn’t be bothered if I had a male friend who text me and rang me excessively and at all hours and that I wouldn’t let him meet. (Turns out she was his dominatrix 🤮)

Have you actually broken up with him, though?

Yes, I've ended it. He hasn't tried to convince me otherwise, just like every other time. But this is the last time. Never going back to be humiliated like this again.

And a huge lesson about red flags. I knew back last year that something was really wrong. I just wasn't sure exactly what.

So I just had a huge chat with my Mum. We're very close. Sad because she really liked him. When I told her about our non-existent sex life because he preferred online material, she was utterly horrified. She wished I'd ended it before now. She said if she ran into him she'd blank him, she's so disgusted now.

And a very poignant phrase was spoken: "He was never really with you, was he?"

He's gross and you need to end it asap. You already know this, I think.

Just saw that you've already ended it. Good work OP. Leave him to be gross all by himself. You'll find someone much better 💐