He can't or won't give up the Instagram models. Time to throw in the towel?

[UnluckyLeprechaun]

That's it really, in the title. We've been together around 18 months. Get on very well generally, he's easy going, I am too. Both in our mid forties. Both quite quiet, like evenings in, not really pub people or much into going out. Our values and morals seem to align. Neither of us have ever been married and we've recently discussed moving in together.

The problems in the bedroom started quite early on but I let it go as I knew he was having major stress at work and was really tired all the time and was then diagnosed with elevated cholesterol and sometimes his blood pressure was too high. Everything else between us was good. Then he started on a statin, the blood pressure seemed to correct itself but not the lack of passion. Again I let it go even though I really missed the physical aspect of our relationship.

One day around 3 weeks ago I caught him looking at a half naked woman on Instagram. I'm not naive enough to think that men never look on there, I'm not against porn, but because we weren't having sex at all I then wondered whether the problem wasn't his physical or mental health and it was actually addiction to stuff online. I looked on his phone when he was asleep and he follows loads of bikini models, half naked Asian girls and is looking at this content every day. I brought it up with him and he denied that it was having any impact on his sex drive, but when I asked if he masturbated to this content instead of initiating sex with me, he said he did.

I got really upset but he agreed that he would "do better", in his own words and had no idea that I would be so angry about it. He said he would stop masturbating, but that one of the reasons he was using it was because he was afraid he was too tired to please me.

Two days after promising he would stop, he was back on there again, watching videos of Asian girls flashing their bottoms. Even more insulting... half of this stuff is AI generated.

I love him but I'm actually starting to resent him and if this is how things are going to be, then I don't want it. I want a healthy sex life with a man who doesn't prefer porn to real life. Someone please tell me they do still exist?

I haven't spoken to him about knowing he went back on his promise. I just want to leave but the thought of giving up on such a kind person who is such a good fit in every other way is breaking me in two.

That’s hilarious but yes, yes they are 😂

Ugh. Yes, this. Get rid, you’ll be happier.

I don't get it. Sex with your partner or a wank over something fictional.
I know which I would choose.

Eugh let him go wank to AI to his hearts content
it’s pathetic

He's in his 40s and is getting his kicks watching AI generated women flash their arses on Instagram? He doesn't deserve a place in your bed OP. Let him go off and be a man child whilst you find yourself an actual grown-up partner. Sorry he's turned out to be so disappointing

Imagine a woman doing this
uninterested in sex with her fairly new partner but constantly gets herself off to AI men on Instagram
imagine how a man would feel about that

Absolutely fucking gross. Get rid.

Our values and morals seem to align.

but they don't really though do they?

He said he'd 'do better'. He probably meant he'd do better at hiding it and couldn't even manage that.

Ewww!

In the bin with him!

I always wonder though - with all the men that do this (or similar) and we say: LTB (quite rightly too), and encourage the woman to keep searching and she may find a better partner .... mathematically, the numbers don't make sense though, do they? There are roughly equal numbers of men and women. Lots of men do this kind of thing, and we will avoid them, yes .... but then logically this means that unfortunately lots of women will have to remain partnerless. It doesn't solve the real problem though, does it? Surely we need to start aggressively re-educating these men to be fit for society and relationships? We can't just do nothing, can we??

I can't understand men who would rather wank off to porn than have actual sex.

Imo its the reason why quite a few women aged 40/50+ are moving towards being bisexual. More fish in the pond…

You love him ...... really?

Move on already! He’s smart enough to talk the talk but not invested enough to do the walk. If you stay in this situationship any longer, you are signing up for more of his bs.

Can I ask, why does he have high cholesterol and high blood pressure? Is it genetics, or his lifestyle choices? I’d take a pretty grim view of someone not wanting sex because they don’t want to put in more effort than looking up some girl on Instagram and having a 30-second wank. Sounds like you have the ick over that, and most of us would, so yes, past time to end it. And OP, it’s not you; it’s him.

Read up on how a daily porn addiction like this actually changes the neurons in a man's brain, so that only the porn becomes his go-to turn-on and a real life woman is as appealing to him as a piece of dry toast. It's a pretty scary thing and would require intense therapy, if that would even work.

Ingrain this into your brain--any dealbreaker warrants the end of a relationship, no matter a man's great qualities in other areas. The good qualities make it harder to end the relationship, but keep your eye on the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. You'll then be free to eventually find a man who meets ALL of your main needs, plus lacks dealbreakers.

Like you, I'm not wholly against porn, or men looking at pictures (though I am uncomfortable with the industry and the direction towards violence) However in my view theres a big difference between using it to enhance a sex life and using it to replace. If he can only enjoy himself that way and can't with a real person, in my mind it's tipped over to addiction and isn't something I could live with.

Instagram may be all kinds of bad, but calling it 'porn' is a bit of a stretch given their image censorship.

I'm sorry OP, but what he really wants, his true sex type, is these women on those accounts. Instagram Barbie as I call them, or Asian Instagram Barbie in this case.

Obviously, a relationship isn't defined by sexual appeal alone, but I wouldn't want to be with a man if I felt strongly if he'd 'settled' for me. Also it's hugely problematic because although some of these might be AI, some of them won't be. The appeal of Instagram for men like this is that they have a way of getting these women's attention or contacting them, if they want to.

Personally, unless he has Instagram for business reasons, a 45 year old man with an Instagram account is suspicious and a red flag for exactly the above reasons.

Throw him back OP.

Throw this husk of a man out. You’re wasting your time and energy on someone who’s yanking himself off round the clock to AI porno pics. You can do way better.

He sounds grim. Leave him to wank himself into oblivion to AI and find a man who values you OP

Yuck. Get rid.

As someone who has wasted many years with a porn addict I can tell you now with kindness- run

I think it’s really quite sad that a man in his mid 40s, who is clearly functional enough to get into a new relationship, is equally lame enough to be addicted to AI generated porn so much so he can’t have actual sex.

It won’t get any better OP. His weak ass “I’ll do better” response said all you needed to know, particularly since you caught him watching it again days later. End it for your self esteem’s sake.